how we BECOME…..unworthy…

Someone asked me today how I was doing. I answered….I’m in the middle. No clue if anyone would know what that meant, but it is the set of words that my body wished to use. In the middle. Not too bad, not too good…just center square….or circle would be best, eh? I don’t wanna talk about my art right now. As an artist….I’m in silent mode. Tiny things may squeeze out but it is my intention to keep myself to myself until I’m ready to show who I am becoming. It’s as if this particular caterpillar to butterfly segment of my life needs it’s space. If I am to come out of the cocoon properly….I need that time….in the cocoon. I think it’s like birth…being in the sack, all safe and warm for …well, I’m sure it seemed like forever….but 9 months. Then we are born and the mother cares for us. Then the world cares for us. And in the latter stage…we learn to care for ourselves….finally. We are our own infants. I am my own baby. Sometimes its not so easy to do this because during the….world takes care of us phase…….sometimes,…..the world didn’t. Sometimes……we were let down, we were abused and some were even tortured. We are shown that we are UNworthy. Sometimes daily.

How…you may wonder, are we supposed to learn the next phase then…to love and care for ourselves? The answer to that is…each other. We need each other. Even if we can’t see or hear or touch each other…if we know we are all there?…….we can connect. I’ve heard about Remote Viewing for years….and it still comes up in topic and was on FB just yesterday…again. Not sure if we need to go that extreme though. I think it’s as simple as making intentions. I’m learning that just as in all life….the more we do it…the more at ease we are doing it….whatever IT is. But if we were to figure something out….to connect with each other in some way…..seems it would be a good thing, the way things are going. Just thinkin out loud. Thinkin out loud is one thing…it’s that inner thinking….the quiet silent thinking, that is dangerous. We tear ourselves to shreds. No abuser could be so cruel. But….I do believe it started somewhere. And then played…like a broken record….over and over and over. It starts with them…it ends with us. Literally. We will replay it….until we don’t. That simple. One day we will “get it”. Done. Movin on.

Back to that voice thing. Like say…..just play. Play with how many singing voices you have, or you can pull out of your ass. Pardonemoi. Cevousplait. Lol. Or art, or musician, or landscaper, or doctor….you get my point……whatever you do….try it in every way it walks or talks. Get to know it as thoroughly as possible. I am saying this with faith…and gut….and wisdom, but not exactly with firsthand knowhow. I’m just beginning. Another aspect of the many butterflies within me. If only I could remember these words during the dark days. The dark days of cocooning. Man….physician heal thyself. Right now…the only thing holding me back from screaming art onto canvas….is canvas. Right now….I could paint the world. And I am on track in life because the Tv is with me again, ya baby! When the thoughts in my mind match the words on the tv….it is synchronicity at its finest.

I tried to have a conversation with myself while my husband was in the truck….but it was too noisy. I was explaining that I find myself constantly thinking…..what would they think, what would they say. They…being social media. Facebook. The blog. You. Before, I was a hermit. If I had a thought….that was it….I had a thought. At best, I would chart it in a journal. Now, it seems I rely on the opinions of others to do everything in my life. Is my art good enough, is this person treating me kosher?, Look at me, I did this, I’m not feeling well, pray for me. Before the internet….I did none of this. I was just about to post on FB….to announce that I was writing a blog! I caught myself. Really Sheri? Do you really need to tell the world that you’re feeling well enough emotionally to write a blog? Haha. Ya. Hahaaa….and the universe laughs and swallows it up. Ok….well, night night sweet people. Mirrors all. 12:34(go!!!)am = 1 = Beginnings. Lol.

The cold has arrived here in Texas. Way early. I am bundled in layers and layers. It’s been a rough few days emotionally for me. The boy and I are at odds. He….while trying to help me…doesn’t like some of my new art and feels I should be doing another kind of art or that I should only charge a dollar for it. Ya, I’m messin. But….we have had 3 days of screaming fights…who can scream the loudest??? I dunno….we both win that one. At issue is whether or not some things are art….and if they are art…how much should they cost when sold. My point is this…..nonya. Noneya business whether it’s art OR how much it is priced at. His reasoning: He has to deal with me when I’m sad due to people not buying. My issue with that is….He is in the future….second guessing what hasn’t even happened yet…..and deciding what will or will not be liked. As we all know….art is in the eye of the one looking. They either like it or they don’t and occasionally a piece will grow on them. I personally have always had issue with abstract art….and my hubby does too. Never understood it, therefore I never understood why someone would pay money for it. I now have fresh eyes to see. Abstract art….is….meditation. Something to stare at….and see what I see. I have a new appreciation for my new friend David who has his own large gallery a few doors down from my tiny one. At first, Jesse’s reaction, although I knew it was contrary to my beliefs….did hamper my creativity…..but…..I rallied and in fact….maybe it makes me stronger. Tell me it’s not art….like Monk did….and I will SHOW you ART!

The goats are all ok. Two are coughing, and I’m trying to determine the cause. Liver flukes? Lung worm? How does one know? Both are this years babies. Also, one….same age…..has never ever eaten the grain. I thought nothing of it, figuring she just didn’t like it. What if it was a sign? Her tail was down yesterday and today she was standing in a corner. Gave her regular wormer. Dunno. Also, a few, were sheared only a few weeks ago…not long enough for much curlback. Like Moonbaby. My most precious goat on the property at the moment. As in…..he’s my Wywy baby. Didn’t wanna put a coat on him and risk him…..no tellin what those boys might do to him if I did. Seems to be holding his own. Such a sweetie….lol, who doesn’t like me much. Better that I guess than an over friendly stud buck. As for me….I’m holding my own too at the moment. In the middle. Missing you all. Love love. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch….brrrrr. PS……Thich Nhat Hahn is either dyin or making a turnaround…..pray for the sweet enlightened soul. PSS….any sponsors for my HEMP OIL meds? They raised the price to $200….damn….was $150 just a month ago! ONe more should do it. Thanks.

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