I’m not blogging as much cuz I’m in a seriously awful space. Once upon a time….y’all came here and got wisdom and fun and joy and occasionally some down time, in the mud. Well….my whole existence has now become the largest mud bog you’ve ever seen. Old brain is here. And I do mean OLD BRAIN. Yesterday I had a ten minute respite…..where I didn’t hear myself plotting my demise. Crazyness…..coming from a person who is doing everything in her power to live. Yet….my brain….my depressive brain has gotten a foothold in the door and is keeping the door propped open……and all the nasty, mean, rude, cruel thoughts just swim their way in the door. I mean, it’s wide open, why not? Remember when I told you life was going so fast? Not any more. Now we are on the slow boat to china and every second is hell. God….I remember this so well. The ten minute respite was due to painting a miniature…I got so sucked in….that my brain was silent. What a treat.
I’m very ashamed. Well, maybe not very….but some. I used to would have been. The part that isn’t, is the smart new me…..who knows. The rest of me though is mortified and just wishes I’d have never tried to heal myself and gone ahead and died….and that way…y’all would remember the smart me. The joyous me. The wise me. I’m so sorry. I guess just know that I was here….she was here….and go read all my old stuff. Oh say…anything Pre-illness…..6 months ago. 6 months. Wow. 6 months. 6 months ago, I was normal. Ya, right. Ok, normal for me. I hurt so bad now. You see, depression is soooooo deceptive. If I were an artist…I’d paint it. It would be a person, sitting in a pool of blood. No signs of where the blood is coming from, but it’s just oozing and oozing. I may even be past the point of no return. I’m not sure. All I know is……my daughter is getting hat and scarf orders….got a few made but will have to mad rush make some more…..thats money….$$$. Didn’t even dent the frown on my face. Also….discovered I have another art talent. I can paint in miniature. Still doesn’t dent the frown. Got 14 tiny works of art(1 in x 2 in)…..nope…still frowning. Usually with my head in both my hands. Tried to take a photo for you but needed one hand to take the selfie. So do you see???? It’s like there are 2 of us now inside this body. The new me and the old me. The new me is still hoping to find a way to close that door and put a lock on it.
I am however, realizing that I’m not alone. Not sure the degree…..but it’s becoming apparent that everyone…or nearly everyone…is depressed. Or gets down on themselves. Wouldn’t that be something if the entire world didn’t feel worthy????? What a wake up call that would be…if only there was a way to show it…..cuz if everyone knew that the person standing next to them felt unworthy as well…..we might just realize that maybe, just maybe….we are OK…just the way we are…warts and all, crooked nose and all….wide or narrow set eyes and all, fat and all, red splotches and all, plus or minus body limbs and all, head size and all, skin color and all, etc. I think one day my words might be useful. I’m going to go shear a goat now. All the babies are done. Oh crap. Nope. Rain. OH well.
It seems that needing the hats is a good thing. It distracted my icky brain awhile, while I took photos of what I had, and undid a shawl in the making….to use the yarn for hats instead. When I run to town, I’ll have to pick up a round loom set AGAIN. How many sets does a person gotta buy???? Dunno. Why don’t they just sell the adult one separately??? I either give em away or they break and it’s way faster than knit or crochet. I need fast. How fast can ,my little hands go? And do you see the irony? Why am I making my little hands go fast? To make more money. Why am I making more money? TO save my life. Why am I saving my life? Right now….I dunno. Wait 5 minutes…..I’m sure I’ll have an answer then…..from the joyful me…..if she pokes her head out. Nothing really got done today. No painting….no shearing. Ha…if it isn’t something I wanted or needed to do…it doesn’t count. Take photos…..unravel yarn….not on the to do list. I am in process of a 5 day med treatment for some of the goats. Also, we moved the rest of the baby boys over yesterday….since they didn’t get sold…..and I’m praying. Too scared to look. My Moonbaby is so dang tiny. Shouldn’t have moved him. But what to do with him? Hoping this 5 day med will cure him and he grows big and strong. In the meantime…it’s rut. Sweet tiny baby. Oh….and the dogs were kind enough to leave my Erbie alone for a long time. Now, he is strung across the yard. Bits of fluff….and shreds of blanket. No bones seen yet. Oh….I do have one odd but positive health note. The left arm that was hurting when I moved it? Is much better now since I did 10$ Tuesday at chiropractor! Go figure. Fixin to run out, give meds and feed, then go to town. Yuk. Town at dark….good thing God took away the night blindness, eh?
Decided not to post this….then, maybe I will….but after this…I believe I’ll just lay low for a bit. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch. Ps…whatever.