Wow….funny how a day can change. Can change YOU. Can change ME. I woke up fine…started back on the painting that I worked on till 3am. (No, not the totem, although I can finally be close to working on it due to shearing the correct goat…there’s an aspect of the totem that requires tiny black ringlets) Anyway, I worked on this acrylic till the wee hours then again upon waking. Was goin on ok……….oh whats the point. I sit here and smell cat pee. I have once again, lost my bearings. This is not good. Too many lost bearings. Bottom line is……..oh fuck. Doesn’t matter. Just F. F F F. My son lectures me and says that a few years ago….someone taught him to think WHAT you WANT….instead of what you don’t want…..it was you Mom. Why do I have to remind you of what you taught me??? I dunno baby, I dunno. I was riding in a bubble….a tiny but high bubble, misplaced because there was really not much to be high about……but my bubble got a hole. Deflated…..and with a whine, as all deflations go.
Today they are all F’s. Frustrated, fed up, f’d up, fooey. Ya…too many friggin days in the mud. I’m used to it being the other way around….up 95% of the time…..now it’s up 5% instead….and the 95% is the downturn. Too depressing. Can’t imagine why anyone would wanna read about this stuff. How many times have I said these words? Too many. I believe I wrote for the whole first year without saying it at all. Could be wrong, but I doubt it. Maybe it’s cuz I know more people now. Maybe now there are too many people…and I do it for them, instead of for me. I got word today that some money I was counting on to go be healed…didn’t come through. Now I’m back to saying…F it. And besides…I am now doomed to smelling cat pee for the rest of my life. Ha….rest of my life. Ha. Faith. Jesse wants to know where my faith is. Dunno…you find it, come tell me.
Took the boy to the library at his request. Seriously…what has happened to libraries these days? Wheres all the books? He ended up taking a couple but nothing that he wanted. Jeeze. So we head home. Nearly there when I realize we are nearly outta gas and we didn’t get any in town and hubby gets so mad if I use the one down the road cuz they water their gas. Crap. Shouldn’t be out, just had half a tank. Hmmm, I’m in a bad mood so lets just go back to town and eat a burger. Haven’t had but that one burger since Dday.(told I was dying day). So…..we should have close to half a tank but as we get about halfway back to Giddings, the low fuel light comes on and then whoosh……I feel it….we have lost power. Outta gas!!! Hahahahaaaa……coulda gone to that one….we you’ey’d there to turn around but NOOOOO…..I go all the way back and I run out half way there…..now we have to do…what???? What???? Even tried putting it in neutral then turning it off and back on. Nothing. So…I coasted awhile then finally pulled it over. Then…..in Park. I turn the car off again. Then turn the key and wala…it starts. And once again, theres a half a tank!!! Yay, headed to Giddings again. Haha….sorta…not so fast now. As we drive, the gas gauge goes lower and lower until …..as the Chevron is in sight…..whoosh….no power. Outta gas…..we drifted into the chevron and hard cranked the wheel to get the car in place. Yay. We made it. CRAZY!!!!!
So many things I don’t say here. Don’t wanna upset anyone. There are so many days when I just wanna say F it. I give up. Just flat out give up. I also say…why bother. I say that a lot. OF course, the happy me is always there to give an answer as to why to bother. But right now, tonight….I’m in the why bother mode. Earlier, I liked the art I was workin on….now it’s ugly. I’m tired of holding stuff in, tired of being up, when I’m not. Tired of pretending everything will be ok. Tired of wondering why I even bother telling myself or others it’ll be ok. Tired of wondering why nobody donates to my cause unless a tv star asks them to. Why don’t they do it when I ask? But they don’t. Tired of telling people about the CBD oil and nobody listening. Tired of doctors telling people they are dying. Tired of art being cheaper than wine…..unless it’s so bad that nobody can tell what it is, so they ponder it….what could it be?????? What could the artist be saying???? Saying????? They ain’t saying shit. They’re just putting colors on a blank thing and calling it art and people buy it…yet the people who actually DO ART….nah…..it’s only worth a quarter. But this squiggle….man it’s worth a grand. Tired of wishy washy. Tired of being tired. Tired of having nothing to say that’s good or happy.
Well, the sale of goats has changed again. Shoulda known not to post about it. 3 less goats now. Best made plans. God laughs when we make plans. Yadayadayada. Well, I PLAN to shear some goats tomorrow. Preferably some of the ones that MAY be leaving, so I know what shape they’re in….and to give em a lice dose…which btw…..didn’t do squat! All that money….done at 10 day intervals, over and over and over….did nada. NOTHING. I did learn one thing though…some goats got em…some goats don’t. That is a mystery that I’d like to solve. What is it about those who don’t? Like Luna? What does she have or not have…different than the others. I don’t know whether to post this or not. Ha…there’s my title. Ok…signing off at YeeHaw Ranch. Ps. Maybe I should be listing instead, the things I haven’t yet tried!!! Things I wanna try. Things that excite me to just consider getting to do them. I wasn’t sure there even were any but since I was told I’m sick, I now have a gallery. I painted with acrylics again, and I painted BIG…30×40!!!! There is room for a whole buncha firsts!!! Please God, help me think of the Firsts…instead of the Tired Ofs.