I’m a horrible mother….

Oh God….I’m a horrible mother. I’ve convinced Summer she can go…and now I’m freakin out and making her feel bad for going. Literally being angry! Ya….didn’t expect to feel this way. Insecure would be an understatement. I can do it. I can do it. Of course I can. She helped me be bold here. I’ll be fine. Ya…wishy washy me. Oh man….this is hard. All of this. Gosh. Hey, there are other people out there….dealing with harder things. It’s so weird. She kinda took over here as like the wife. She did the cooking and I no longer cook for hubby, he does his own now. 2 sets of food. Well no…3 actually cuz then there’s Jesse. Sometimes he wants to eat something other than corndogs or mini pizza’s. She does the kitchen cleaning and the dishes. She’s been doing most of the cat litterbox too. Also the website, the fundraiser and the whole food shopping. Can’t get everything from HEB. Aside from that…she is now my mirror while painting. And…she’s my sweetie. And, she’s been in my world, many many hours a day for 5 months.

I got the next set of pills today. Uggh!!! One is huge and not coated, another is coated and not a capsule. I prefer capsules. One tastes really bad too, but luckily it’s not a lasting taste. I also drastically upped my Vitamin C intake. I have just begun the new protocol….added into mine. She agreed with mine. All except the olive leaf and it’s not that she didn’t agree with it…she just didn’t have it on her list for me. I hate taking pills. Usually I buy them but don’t take them. My life is at stake now…so, I take em. Ha…except the hydrogen peroxide in the nebulizer. What the heck am I afraid of??? The nebulizer, that’s what. I don’t wanna get stuck on it…rely on it I guess, who knows….all I know is….it just sits at the foot of my bed…waiting. It will clean my lungs from a life of smoking….why do I wait. Is there such a thing as too much healthy stuff? I feel nausea. So many pills. Todays new ones are Alpha Lipoic Acid and Selenium…and a reup on Tumeric. Have I told you about the sleepies? They are with me 24/7 now. It’s awful and I have to work so hard to stay awake on the drive home from work now…..and at work, and here…just always. It’s been a week on the CBD oil, so now that I know how it sits in my body, I shall take the morenga. It will be a morning thing…..and should give me some umpf. It has been recommended by 3 different people and a box of packets was gifted to me by my friend Sheri and her Charlie. Although, now that I feel funny right now…maybe I should wait a bit. Too many herbs? Too many medicines? Gosh, I dunno. It’s a protocol and I have faith in it but believe you me….it ain’t even really started yet!!! That’s a scary thought….but then again, so is dyin. Ha, says the ex suicider! Hey yay…..night night!!! Lol. 2:19am = 3 = Trinity = HOLY …&… 4th night in a row.

Shit. She’s still planning on going. Uggh. We have to raise enough money to go on the trip, to both be healed there….and also money for the meds in the meantime. It’s a lot. I know. Believe me, I know. Three bottles of pills were bought yesterday and down went a hundred bucks. I can’t stop. Not till I’m healed. Gonna have to run the fundraiser link again. Hate that. But I hate HepC more. Hate the word hate too. Dis and like…hmmm…don’t really go together. I think she’s leaving Friday….to be gone a month at the very least. If I could raise that money, she wouldn’t have to go. She will be cold and she will be working very hard and long hours. If the paintings had sold….she wouldn’t have to go. So sad. All this work she’s done on these paintings lately….and here she is about to go cross country to work in the cold. I’m so sorry. I tell her that. I’m sorry that my art form….which she chose to learn…..is so very hard to sell, because it is so new. So different. Some legacy I left her.

Was able to get one baby goat sheared today. Oceana. No cries. Good lil girl, not a peep or a dance. Love that… especially when they are babies…which means it was a good one, a comfortable one without much fear….great for future shears. Didn’t notice any Dalmatian speckles, but she’s got the genes to throw pinto babies.

Ok….aside from fundraising for myself, I have a couple things I’m helping with. A charka or I’ve been told, a kick spindle is needed for a friend who had a bad fall and is now rather limited to a bed or wheelchair. She is a fiber friend that most of you may know…..please help if you can by donating one of these products or the money to buy one. Haha. Ya. I expect a lot. Also…..if you have gently used musical instruments….please consider the Navajo reservation in Arizona. My friend Michelle is a nurse there and she and her children have written letters to the Casinos asking for money for instruments. It is their miracle. They are being taught to believe in miracles. Ha…well…so far, all the responses from the casinos have been rejection letters. Harsh!!! Just let me know if you have any instruments and I will find a po box or some way to get them to them. Music is important! So is believing in miracles.

I haven’t said anything…not even to the kids, but my hands are not doing well. Not sure if it’s arthritis or not, all I know is there is a lot of pain. This concerns me due to my chosen life skill. Needling!!!! Ha…or it could be a byproduct of said needling. I need to paint paint paint….either that or I need to take a break and paint with oil or acrylic for a bit. Not sure yet. Hey…there’s always watercolor too. It’s been ages since I’ve tried any of these mediums. Summer will be saddened by this cuz she’s concerned that I may stop the fiber paintings altogether. I won’t. I’m just wondering if I should give my hands a vacation. Oh God…don’t let me fall apart while Summer is gone!!! Ahhh….time to say YeeHaw….signing off at the ranch. Later Gater.

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6 thoughts on “I’m a horrible mother….

  1. I know I’m suggesting something difficult but I will go ahead anyway. Your book, the newest one about your journey to either living or dying, is a book that I think is needed. If you could find an agent who will read what you have so far and plus maybe an outline, then perhaps the agent could sell it for you and get you an advance. I do not know myself how to get an agent, but I do know that it is nearly impossible to sell a book on your own. But your book, if you could get an advance, might pay for a lot of things. Your writing is so readable and your journey of healing would help a lot of people so that’s why I think you might be able to find an agent who would agree.

      • I have never had to find a literary agent, but if I had to, my first stop would be an internet search for either someone fairly local to you or for someone who maybe represents certain genres. Another possibility is that some of your new gallery friends might know of someone in the field. ❤

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