I try….

I love what just happened. I complained that monk said my work was not ART…and you all came riding to my rescue like a prince on a white horse. I always wanted my real father to show up and save me…on a white horse of course! He didn’t, and he is since dead….but he did save my abusive hubby at my request. Anyways…..I know I know…you weren’t really saving me…but you were standing in defense of me. Even people I don’t know at all…who apparently know me…or my art…and the absolute general consensus is…..it IS ART! Last night, Summer and I were listening to a near monkish type lady…Pema Chodron’s audio book. It was talking about when you need to make a point, and you gather others that feel the same…. And then they bad mouth that person. WOW…..universe was watching!!! I wasn’t bad mouthing but lol…..the topic did spur some!!! Some people were very sticky about it. I love that it played out at all. I love that I was reassured, which I obviously needed.

I had finally, or so I thought, come to a place…where I did believe in the art. In my talents with it. Not entirely, because I still have to deal with the issue that not very many people can or do buy it. But I thought I’d gone part way past it anyway….not. The fact that I cry nearly every day as I drive home….saddens me, one of me. The one who believes in me…..and just doesn’t understand. Then there’s the part of me that then whispers…..but you are thinking that they won’t. You are creating that they won’t. I know this…yet I still struggle to stop it. Shoot…half the time I wonder about my words here. What are they creating…even in the wondering or the telling………not meant to be manifested, but are they? Through merely being in print? Words are the power. You see…then there’s the grand me…who is exhausted at the knowing that we…all the parts of me…know this. Know the power of thoughts and words….yet we are too busy to manifest, or too forgetful to remember or too lazy to be bothered. What is up with that for goodness sakes??? Why would a person jinx themselves that bad? If you knew how to do magic….and you didn’t bother? Silliness. Goofiness. Sabotage. Maybe if I set an alarm, to go off every 5 minutes.

In reality…..I like most of my pieces. There are some I hate, some are so so and some I just love, but all of them…astound me. All of them are something an artist would do…haha…and I was always just a writer. When I say that……what does that do? Just a writer? Just a crafter? Heck….why not…just an artist? Like monk. I obviously held monks in such high regard that I had them on a pedestal therefore they had to be knocked off in order to educate me further. A monk is no better and no worse than any other single person on this planet. And neither am I…or you. Today, although nobody bought a painting….the perfect sets of people came in saying the perfect sets of words. All day. And once again, I was wishing I’d hit the voice record button every time I THINK someone is about to say…I’ve never seen anything like this before! Then I could have a compilation of what it sounds like to be on the cutting edge of something. Cutting edge….man, they can be sharp!!! Like a knife blade. Voice after voice after voice. Ha…superimpose them on top of each other…that would sound cool. You get it right? It’s obviously TOO NEW. Ok…so let me dirty them up so they look old???? Haha. Ok…on that note…it is bedtime. 1:56am = 3 = Trinity = HOLY. Night night folkie olkies!

Always read the ingredients. Today, I was looking for something healthy mayonnaisewise. I was at HEB and there were NONE. The closest I could find was Hellmans (my brand), with Olive OIL. Hmmm…..olive oil is one of the oils I’m allowed to eat. (olive oil is only for cold foods, you know that, right?) So….I get it. Summer just now informs me that I didn’t read the back. Was suckered with the title….and the main top ingredient is….drumroll………..soybean oil. That my friends is EVIL. Evil, cheating manipulating crap!!!! If only I was strong enough to be a constant Buddha type meditator…then I could eat pranna or the sun and be fine and dandy…but NO…..I gotta eat this crap…labeled with lies. Nothing is safe anymore ye know. Ugggh. Ya, I’m in a bad downer mood today. Wasn’t gonna finish this blog…wasn’t gonna post. Today I was up early as usual now that I quit drinking…..so hubby and I went to get groceries…giving up our weekend lunch together so I could go to the gallery for after church folk. Give it a try and see if it was a good day to be open. I sat my easel outside…I use it as my sign….and it brought a few people but as usual…that famous line…and out the door they go. As the minutes ticked by I got more and more depressed. I hate being depressed. Why can’t I just believe? Why do I have to pray for someone to have throwaway money…….are the paintings throw awayable? Today I decided to quit. Give up. Ha. For 2 minutes then I realized I wouldn’t get to paint anymore! Lol. The irony. And the funny thing is…I really don’t want to sell a lot. Just enough at a time…to keep me in spending money and healing money. Any more than that would be unnecessary. God….you got your ears on? Please….help me to sell one or 2 pieces for now…then I’ll be quiet awhile. It’s not just the money….it just plain hurts my feelings. I know I know…it is too expensive to expect much….but I do. I’m a nut…..but I’m a sweet nut! Ok….later folkies. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch. Anniversary was nice….pizza out and work. Explained to hubby that I really don’t want any more framed yet…but I did have needs. So, I get to get the needs, yay! Black alpaca, black polar fleece and Kai Mohair curls cuz some things…you gotta choose in person. OK…later.














4 thoughts on “I try….

  1. The next time you realize that you are on the cutting edge of something and that people just don’t get it yet, know you are right
    Do you know that many, now famous artists, sold hardly any of their work while they were alive? Please don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that you need to die to be famous, but I am showing you that you are in good company, with artists that were under-valued.
    You will be very surprised by these artists, take time and read what they say.
    “these 10 famous artists now live on forever as revered masters of their respective styles”.

    Ok, now take a look at these now famous people who were not recognized during their lives, you will be shocked by this list, and I mean shocked:

    So don’t be discouraged, instead create and be prolific, because you never know when you will be understood, and perhaps the painting you create now, will be your legacy, you could become a legend once you have passed, whenever that might be. Remember that tomorrow is not promised to any of us. You maybe ill, but you could die at anytime from something not related to you liver at all, just as I could. My horse could kick me in the head in the morning and I could be dead before lunch. Live for yourself and do what you love. I love you and the work you do, don’t stop. I still have these fleeces for you.
    I want to hear from you about who you didn’t realize was under appreciated in their lifetime
    It took me over two hours to write this so please take a minute to see the links I provided for your encouragement, I think you will view your predicament in a different light

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