in and out….up and down

Brought the boy with me this morning. Stopped by the DMV, and it looks like he MAY be good to go for a license again. Of course….he has to pay a $100 fee to even try. Then insurance too. I have to believe it will all work out. As I type that….my mind says…ya, so why can’t you believe your stuff will work out? The short answer is cuz I know too much. Knowledge is the detriment of enlightenment. I know….that I posted the fundraiser link once and it generated a couple people donating. I know that Natalie posted it and it generated a whole bunch of people donating. I know…that I posted last night, the first update…nothing, nada. See….to me, that says…its just not gonna be doable. Is there no other way Sheri? Sure…the people could magically find my paintings and say…oh wow….I just have to have this! Or…..the town could hold a fundraiser for me, a complete stranger to most, ya, lol. Or…..Somebody with tons of money could see…lol….get a grip girl. Now you see? Faith and hope are not in my heart right now. I figure, just swallow that….and just live what ya got left and be done with it.

Ya…the frustration is getting to me. I am ever so grateful to those who helped….I’m afraid it just isn’t gonna be enough. I will be able to get a few of the IV treatments and that’s it, unless a miracle occurs. SO….I’m trying to paint fast…but it bums me out, so I don’t paint. I did however paint today here, and I shall when I get home. We have a totem to work on. Summer and I are doing it together. The sweetheart getting this totem, has been sending money for it since the DC trip…to help me get where I needed to go. (I know such wonderful people!!!)I know I know…..I should take it one day at a time. Be in the moment. I do have the rest of the commission money coming….but that’s still not a big dent. I know…I’m whining. Honest truth is….I’m scared. I stay on the verge of tears these days. Nobody here understands. Have hope. Where’s your hope Mama? What about being positive Mama? You’re putting negative energy out Mama.

Well. Jesse and I ended up in an argument and I left the gallery because of it. I had said we’d go see our Ren Faire people and I kept my word. Dang near almost didn’t. Driving to their house in the middle of the boonies, I see Joyce’s place! Wow. Small world. Anyway, once my friends found out my news, they were so enthusiastic for me. With me. They helped me so much and I reallllly needed help right then. I was literally about to give up, give in….as I’ve been going through for days, maybe weeks. When I told my friend this…she said it was a symptom of HepC! Indecisiveness. Cuz she asked me…Do you want to live or not? I dunno for sure, I can’t quite decide. I’m pretty sure the answer is yes….but only 98%. All I know for sure is this is a wild ride I am on. Very unexpected and unnerving. I’m hangin on for dear life and learning to let go at the same time. Kinda like being in the first car on the roller coaster. You have to throw your hands high in the air…it’s expected! Be brave…go forth! Battle the winds and whips and curves,…..the somersaults and oopseydaisies.

The wife/mother of this family had not previously talked to me. When she heard that I was sick, the herbalist in her came out and she rushed to learn more. I kid you not. Pure kindness. I mean the woman was researching!!! She had a wealth of knowledge…shoot, the whole family does. Wise, even the children. I felt such a strong family type connection to them before and I’m certain of it now. It was like seeing family. She told me about the muscle test…to see if things are good for your particular body/life or not. She knew all the nutrition stuff we knew and gave me several ideas. She told me “I was tired when I arrived….now, I am awake!” Passion. Passion stirred is bigger than gold. Ok…night night folkie olkies. 1:28am = 11 = Master number.

The bottom line of the visit yesterday is….I’m gonna TRY to live in the moment. In this moment, I just got off the phone with the Austin doc people…..my bloodwork is ok to start the one IV process….not yet the High Pot vit C, cuz they’re waiting for a few more lab results but I can make an appointment on Monday for the other….at $135 per visit. About 2 visits and we are out of money. Just ordered the gentle version of the one med that I take that is too hard on me. In fact, I was a bit desperate last night and took some, after not having any for about 5 days…mistake!!! Will be so happy when this arrives. The guy overseeing my care….someone who cured himself from Cancer…(John)…..John says he literally saw the difference in his wife when she took it. Come on meds….arrive already!!! Hehe…when I told my friends the Doc said I’m dying, Ori said……I almost said….nice to meet you, I’m Ori! He says I don’t have a Dying aura. Too many smiles. Ha…this is when I was being lifted from being so sad…lol, the irony.

Hmmm…more irony. Life. Full of surprises. Today, Summer came to the gallery to bring a few things to dress the mantle here. The sale of my little orange owl left a wall vacancy so I put up one of Summers latest. Well, Monk comes in…is excited to see her, she’s never here…..then he sees her new painting. He compliments it…she says…I’m learning from my teacher…and the monk artist says:……………………Oh, but you’ve passed her. The detail. The proportions……………oi ve. I was just discussing this with y’all the other night, that I was able to say that she may be surpassing me…without pain. Well……………….ya, I may be able to say that without pain….but to hear a stranger…..another person, say it….well…………guess what? Can you guess? Yup…it hurt like hell. She of course, told him no….it’s all in the eye of the beholder. Then….she says what she says when I say it…….it’s the Virgo in me. Hmmm. Jeeze. (Can every Tom, Dick and Harry paint like this? I know I know, its in the blood, but still, these days I see felted paintings everywhere. So…to nutshell how I feel now, I shall do my level best to just live my life and post the fundraiser link up when I need funds…not be afraid to post it…ask people to share it…and maybe now by now….we can keep me alive. I dunno, sounds like a plan to me. Outta here!!! Signing off at noah’s arts at 920 Main St, Bastrop, Texas….aka…… http://www.noahs-arts.com Come see.

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2 thoughts on “in and out….up and down

  1. Big Hugs, you sound like you need them. Love you and know you will do fine. You need to stay positive, when I was doing mobile ultrasounds I noticed the people who did well, were the ones who stayed positive, the ones who were,”oh woe is me” would tend to go downhill quite fast as if there bodies knew they gave up hope. So don’t give up. I have noticed that when you need something it tends to come to you. Don’t expect, just believe.

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