Hmmm, I just hit the backbutton for a whole paragraph. I just don’t know how to talk about my life without talking about whats on my mind. They go together and that is how I blog. It feels icky to constantly talk about money or lack of…..but more so….is it icky to live with this feeling. I need to do some kind of clearing in this area. My mind is constantly on this and it need not be. Thinking about money is like worry I’d imagine. There is no point. Its either there or it isn’t. Uggh. I try to keep the positive energy vibes goin, and find myself getting full of angst…that is not trusting. Ya, we went to Austin today and had an hour long visit and came out with a baggie of meds for a nebulizer that I should have in the living room, that I never used…big chicken. I am then supposed to come in 2-3 times a week for the IV treatment. At over $100 each! While she did the questionnaire thing, she told us about a Dr in New Mexico. He’s THE authority on HepC she says. She thinks I should go there, most likely stay for a few weeks, then come back and continue this IV and add in the rest of the protocol. Cuz this stuff IS part of the protocol, I can begin it now, before I go, IF I go. Upon thinking about this for just the few hours that it’s been, I’m just not sure.
Just as I was about to start blogging tonight, I messaged with the young lady whose mother just died of HepC, unexpectedly. We ended up chatting for quite awhile. She seemed to be doing well, but was wishing she’d been able to be there when her mom passed. Do I want anyone here when I pass? I told her I wasn’t sure cuz I might get too scared if it took too long, giving my fear time to build…then getting lost upon crossing over. She suggested I talk about this fear of getting lost, with Summer. Ha. Ya, maybe I should. Then there’s the fear of….being immediately put back on earth….because of said fear. Oh man….it’s late. I almost got to bed early. Ha. 2:59am = 7 = Holy. Nightie night.
Upon waking, sense has been restored to my brain. I’ve been thinkin. Ye know, I’m really hard on myself, and in the interest of my new way of being, and learning to love myself, I should explain that until recently, I was not really a contributing member of society. I was depressed. I was suicidal. I was self pain absorbed. I abused drugs. In other words…I was a big fat mess and I could barely hold a job….I could get the job…oh ya…..no problem there, just keeping them….real issue. As you can guess, if I couldn’t hold the jobs, I didn’t have money. This explains the lack mentality. It’s ingrained. How to reform this mentality is the tricky part now. So when you look at it thru my feet……the ones that did the walkin…..you can see…ya…..she has money fears. LOL. So, I now forgive myself for all the harsh thoughts and disbelief. Now to switch it to good thoughts of abundance and plenty and ya…I can do this.
2 more things are on my brain. One, is a video I saw on, ya…you guessed it, FB. It was a dog….who saw 3 fish laying out of water, gasping for breath. That dog, stuck his snout in the nearby puddles, trying to get them under water. Of course, I did cry. That was the biggest proof ever that they are beings. Not stuff. Beings, alive, feel pain, feel love, feel betrayal, understand life and death. Yes. Our animal friends…are basically people too. And how do we treat them? Stay, come, chains, pens, same food day in day out, we yell at them too. These are sensitive beings. God forgive us.
And…..that other thing ridin around in the front seat of my 53 yr model brain is……someone gave away their fiber prize for me???? I shit you not. At Namaste Farms Blogtalk on Thursdays, Natalie generally does a giveaway to those who came and were in the chatroom. Last weeks winner asked………asked……..that the prize be given to me…that I needed something soft and pretty. My heart was blown wide open. Seriously folks…..people go nutso for the Namaste Farms ScapBox…..and she willingly gave it away???? And to MEEEEE!!!!!?????? I am so humbled and awed at the heart, the raw heart I’ve been witness to since my illness. Grateful is too weak of a word. The outpouring of love….is nothing short of phenomenal and I adore you all. Jennifer Nightingale……may God bless you immensely.
Back to the Doc stuff for a minute……they did say…there really is no cure for HepC. BUT….if I do the NM meds, I can then have maintenance meds until I do die….which could be years and years. I dunno. I read that there are 4 million people who have it. I hear a conspiracy in those numbers. :=) So, basically….go to NM, begin treatment, come home, continue treatment a few weeks then doneski…..till maintenance a few times a year. WOWza. Sounds doable. I now have 2 things to put the money in perspective. A friend helped me with that, wanting me to know that it cost $75,000 to have a broken bone repaired….and also….it costs over 300 thousand dollars for a liver transplant…….well over. Those numbers give lil ole me hope with my lil ole treatments. Also……as I was driving to the gallery today, it occurred to me also that the money issue????? Well…….it’s NOT in the moment! Not at all! So hard to remember all these new rules to live by. In the moment, you can prepare for the future, but that’s about it.
OHHHHH……Mea….I guess you missed out. When I was first sick, I told Mea I’d give her Georgia and one of her twins. Peaches. She had really wanted Georgia before I bought her. So….my way of fixing that was to just give them both to her….I was feeling desperate and down and scared. Well, Mea never did come and get them and my WYWY just died and it has just occurred to me…….Peaches is the spitting image basically of my Wywy!!! It’s just that she’s a girl! Hey, I will take it. Yay! So….today I sketched out a new sign for the gallery. Typical, but cute. I mean, Noah’s Ark has been done endlessly…now it’s my turn for a whimsy one too. Ha, it’ll look like all the rest….just with my lil spin on it. Okie Dokie donkey…..guess I better go. Lots on my mind but y’all only have so much time to read. :=))) Signing off at Noahs Arts 920 Main St. Bastrop, Texas….. aka…. www.noahs-arts.com