for some….LIFE is too hard

Staying alive is such an achievement. For people like me who are born with a sad brain…every day is the Holy Grail. Everyday, we do the impossible, pull off a miracle. Every day, we listen to what our brain has to say….incessantly, mind you, and if we are still breathing when our head hits either the pillow or the dirt….then we should be given an award. Lifetime Achievement Awards. I remember once writing to Oprah. I ihad a suggestion. I said, hey, there’s an awful lot of people in the world who are sad and think they have no worth. How about if you made a day….an Appreciation Day. I volunteered my birthday, Aug 6, as a common date where we could celebrate the people in our life….who matter to us. What I told her was that if people were told……you know, the way people do at an intervention…or heck…at a funeral. But my point was…why make people wait to hear that? Why wait till we are dead to tell us how much we mean to you? I am speaking not really for the regular happy people out there, but more for the ones who are quiet, reserved, troubled. Or shoot…jealous, envious, impatient…nevermind…just all people we care about. If you wait till the funeral…we never do hear it, do we????? Hmmm? Do we now? Why? WHO THE HECK thought of this plan? Personally, I think we do birthdays all wrong, at least in the US….not sure about other countries methods. But here…in America, I think we should 1. Find out what special meal they want on their day. 2. Find out what they might be wanting or what would excite them? 3. Make the birthday last all day and even into the week. 4. Tell the birthday person why you’re happy they were born and the things about them that are so special. 5. Make the day…truly…their day. So there. 5 rules for a birthday…..just carry that over. Don’t have to make it a certain day….just upgrade birthdays and its covered! That’s my theory and I’m stickin to it.
I can say this because I happen to know that in a 60 minute period, I can be thinking I want to die, get me out…..oh, say, 4-6 times……and I can be thinking I want to do more of this or that!!! Ya, same brain. Same hour, same day….same life….same confusion. Same crap. Grateful. Oh….we who are suicidal…oh yes, we are grateful. We are grateful, now just get this shit over with already! Ha…same brain, : we are so grateful and we just want more, more lessons, more joy, more ways to learn, to teach, to share. Ya….same brain. Same ache of oh man, I’m so messed up. If I….make it to the next day…I have completed a miracle. If Robin Williams made it to the next day…he too make a miracle. So….he made miracles nearly every day of his life….by the hard edged point of remaining alive…………..yet, it was not recognized. All they saw was the one day he didn’t perform the miracle. Now me….I’m different, cuz I’ve already come outta the suicide dome…….but the roof still hovers over me….follows me….like the little cloud of rain. I have made it past that red line……..not everybody can. Actually…God put me past the red line. I am special. Maybe its to be here to tell you that there even is a red line. Or maybe I’m still here to tell you to do birthdays a new way. I dunno why I’m here. But. I AM.
I must say however….that I have heard the word suicide more in the past 6 months than probably my whole life put together. I’ve heard my kids say it….I’ve heard myself say it. Life seems to be harder than usual right now I’m thinkin. Before when I heard the word I got angry. Don’t you dare think that. And now…now that Robin, ya…he’s dead now so we can casually call the fallen megolythic IDOL, by his name. Robin. Robin. Robin. Now that Robin has done what he’s done… feels like he has changed the game. A big game changer. I hope I’m wrong. It feels like…’s been prettified now. Like it may have lost some of the negative stigma. Like…we may see more of it in the coming days. On the other hand…..if I were a conspiracy theorist I would say it was a perfect plan to remove a bunch of the population, make it look like a well loved star committed suicide and you will have a bunch of pied piper responses. Just sayin. I guess the bottom line of what I’m sayin is that for people like us….each day of staying alive….makes us heros. We have survived. I call it survive because it can truly be….glory one minute and hell the next. So, yay Robin…I celebrate you and all the DAYS you survived. I salute you. I also salute me.
So. It’s a new day. I haven’t been very creative with it. Was caught off guard when I woke to see hubby here. Took Jesse to do some work and that’s the day. Cathy came over and hubby’s just sitting around and it’s a slow day. Summer’s birthday is Saturday so I’m trying to get my ducks in a row. Ran to town for some carrots for carrotcake. Guess that’s it for today. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch.







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