if i could reach the words INSIDE me…

If I could reach the words inside me now, I would, but the meds are keeping me from that. Not only are my words and thoughts not flowing in a typical manner, Life just feels funny. Different. I feel like I’m on some weird new tv show where they tell you crazy completely outlandish truths and one lie and you gotta figure out the one lie. Once again, it is time for sleep and I at least got a few words written! Yay! Night night….2:30am=5=change.

I tried really hard to answer y’all’s comments but my brain wasn’t functioning right. This is an instance of thank God for spell check. I see that Robin’s death is affecting more people than one would realize. Death? Nah…me thinks it’s the suicide aspect. But we’ve discussed suicide before. I think it’s cuz he is famous therefore it’s ok to discuss it. And wow…discuss it they are. It’s not very nice however, to be mean about it. Jeeze, he obviously took LIFE as long as he could! You just don’t understand how awful it can b for some people to live. We all have this brain to live with….it’s all about the brain. How the brain treats you. How you treat it. How you can control it or your lack of control over it. We have no idea how badly his brain tortured him. Coulda been a life of constant internal screaming….and he just couldn’t take another second of it. How and what do we know????

Apparently there are more sad people than let on. I already know this. We hide our feelings and they peep through a few holes in our clothes but mostly we can keep them in check. How bout those times when you can’t? When you feel the tear welling up……you blink them away, you keep talking and smiling…and then there’s the typical…oh Hell….as you realize you cannot keep them in check and they are now flowing over the eyelids and coursing down the cheeks…and the sound escapes you as you realize that the game is up. They (whoever is near) now know your dark and dirty secret……you cry! Oh Lordie!!! They know!!! The hiccup sound now turns into the everthesamesounding cry. Well, it can at times sound more like….awwwe crap. And I wonder why that is. I wonder why it has evolved on this planet…that it is bad to cry. Why? Why is it bad to cry? It feels better after you do, doesn’t it? It gets the dirt out, doesn’t it? It settles the heaving stomach doesn’t it? Seriously…..but it is ridiculed nowadays. How silly. Let’s everyone…..lets turn it around. Let’s everyone do the ugly cry every couple minutes and put it on FB and make crying acceptable again. Not that it would bring Robin back, nope….but it would ease his memory. I feel sure it would.

I am back and still with….the cookie. My daughter last night brought home cookie dough and ice cream so I can have it here! So it turns out…a cookie….is indeed an important thing in my world. Summer is always calling me new things, trying to find the right nickname for me…little feathers is the most recent….cookie feathers sounds good to me! Hehehe…little cookie feathers. And oh dear…Summer now wants in on my addiction and is having her cookie now…which is causing me to want my cookie now. It’s ok. I am allowed to have yogurt now. See…allowed. That is a lie…..i have chosen it as my lunch…but technically it’s a sweet….a sweet with some probiotics that may or may not live long enough to make it to my gut to flora my gut up into a gorgeous garden. Oh but man….I can smell that cookie. I wonder if my will power will hold out….cuz that is what we’re talking about here, make no mistake about it. Will power. The power of my will. My will is pretty powerful. It willed away cigarettes, and it willed away needing beer every single night in order to sleep. But…..can it beat the cookie? Ha…in the end…I’ll probably go feed…then come make mine. Better for digestion during the day, eh? Man…it’s really hot out there and the goats are having a hard time. I somehow need to get the babies sheared. Honestly folks…I am not a big functioner right now. I’m pretty much still. Very little movement and it’s slow if I do. Reminds me of those slow mo things in movies….haha, even my voice is slowed down.

Well, I’ve just had my cookie…way yum, and thinking maybe I should exercise restraint there and maybe only do it Sometimes!!! Maybe. Everything feels in slow motion so even a choice……I should eaaaaaatttttt tthhhhhhaaaaaatttt cooooooooookkkkkiiiiieeeeeeeee…….see, it gives you more awareness….more holes in the umbrella of reality, for the light to get through. By the time the thought gets finished….the other thinker has done and processed all the rest as well, that haven’t even popped out yet as words. Why should I eat the cookie? Will the up side trump the down side? Will my liver process this new cookie ok? Let’s not eat this cookie now, ok? Yay…….haha…..thats the better thought. But then the next probable thought….when is the next cookie? Thoughts and needs. Met and unmet. Unmet cookies…..ohhhhh. Oh, and I’ve been having weird thoughts…like that Robin Williams will pop up alive, a mistake……and that there’s a group that is funding the rise of Islam….and………man, these human thoughts are such a bore.

Well, these human thoughts are about the meds and do they actually kill the HepC? Or are they just good for the liver? Which of the meds KILL THE HEPC????? That’s really what I wanna know. Which ones KILL the Virus? Ugggh. I feel like I’m still the little kid in the toy store…sitting in the back, against the wall, playing with something way over my head that I was way too young to understand and feeling humiliated…..yet knowing, this is my role. What next? Shoot, I’m out of a couple of the herbs as of now and haven’t reordered. See, this is not really working out well in my favor. I bought one of those Monday thru Sunday pill holder thingies and it’s not near big enough for my daily pills. All have their purpose…but who has the purpose of the killing? The killing of the Hepatitis C cells. Someone’s gotta do it. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch. Think I’ll mosey on over and listen to Blogtalkradio/Namaste Farms tonight at 8c…!

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