sometimes I delete…

Sometimes I don’t like what I’ve written and sometimes I just have nothing to say. It’s like the brain isn’t feelin anything new….anything blog worthy. I erase everything. On the other hand…nothing there really to erase!!! Thing is…ok…here’s the thing. It was May 21 when I was told I was dying. May 21. That’s two and a half months. In that 2 ½ months, my whole world has flipped upside down. Sometimes I don’t even feel like the same person….and where is that blog gal……I need her for sure!!! Hehe. So…whats funny is that like last night, I had a blog ready but it didn’t feel worthy….yet….it’s only been 2 ½ months and I’m already deeming my words as no good, unnecessary. It was necessary though. I am quite freaked out about Robin Williams. I swear to you….you coulda listed nearly every person on the planet and it wouldn’t have freaked me out like listing that name…with the word Suicide. What??? I have so dang many emotions that come up with that! A few days in….the main one is……shame. I care so little about the person who is entertaining me that I didn’t even know he had a life of depression??? I didn’t even know!!! It’s not that he didn’t scream it and therefore I didn’t hear….he DID scream it….and I didn’t hear. Shame. I truly had no clue. I should have. A lot of times the ones who are hurting a lot will roll themselves in careers or hobbies or personas. Roll themselves up…rather tarred and feathered….ye know? So covered that nobody can see inside all that gunk, to the real person. Robins gunk was his humor and boy did he wear it thick. It’s been really bothering me that I missed it. I can usually see those things…see it in the eyes…..the face lines. The sadness stress face. So maybe look at the ones who wear all kinds of armors…know any???

I even wonder now at my beliefs about suicide. I had myself convinced that if I died, I’d have to come back AGAIN!!! I didn’t wanna come back again. What if…a suicide is just like any other thing of life. It’s just an experience. What if it’s NOT the unpardonable sin. What if Robin Williams killing his own self…….is needed for other people…..is needed period??? What if…like all else….it’s in perfect timing…..the perfect thing. All perfect LOVE. What if his choice of how to love himself….to leave…is necessary right now. What if there are many others who need to go and he helped them out. I know…a lot of what if’s….but what if??? What if he needed to do that, and I needed to write this…all for so and so in Timbuktu….to run around the Maypole and fling a rope to the top…so that one day 2 years from now…that rope will save little Susie’s life. Ha! Music….fun…..love….a story……..a death….a life. Thank you Robin. Thank you for the laughter and thank you for the insight into how someone could desire so much laughter. Thank you….for the memories. It’s been a few days and I’m still in denial. Still so opposite what I expected. Woulda been the greatest of all time….surprise ending. Well, no woulda to it. It was, is. The Grandest Surprise Ending. Yup, twist of the century. Night night man.
Oh goodness. My hubby just brought me a gift that he had ordered that took awhile. Hmmn. :=))) It’s a flashlight. LED, therefore high powered and will stay charged longer than anything I already have. Awwe, he was thinkin of me after all folks, on my birthday!!! Well….I didn’t adequately explain why I’m bothered by Robin Whatchamacallit…’s death…maybe on another day it will bubble on out of me. In the meantime….signing off at YeeHaw Ranch…..no cookie.

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6 thoughts on “sometimes I delete…

  1. Thank you for writing this tonight. Every time I hear/think/read about Robin Williams, I tear up and get a huge lump in my throat and a knot in the pit of my stomach. It dredges up too many sad memories and I can hardly stand it. I’ve heard people say that him having committed suicide was cowardly. I say to those people, they haven’t been to the place that was so dark that they can’t possibly see another way~~and good for them. It is a terrible place to be. The other side of that place is possible to find, but so many people don’t~~including my cousin, a boyfriend, and a good girl friend. I have been to that dark place but fortunately was rescued. I feel so sad that there wasn’t someone to rescue Robin Williams. What a terrible loss for the world. I have been thinking about his death (and others) and wondered if those are just experiences that have to be had by them, and by us through them. I have learned that it is not possible to save the world, even though I always want to try. The world is too much of a conundrum.

    Anyway, glad your hubby gifted you with a powerful flashlight. Great gift! Thank you for your thoughts in your blog, it is always food for thought.

  2. Glad Hubby didn’t forget you entirely on your birthday.

    I too am blown away by the loss of Robin Williams. I wish that someone could have told him that Depression Lies! It is a horrible, terrible disease. I am appalled at some of the nasty comments I have seen online, and inspired by some of the tributes, and hope that his death can help someone else to reach out for the help that they need to fight the demons..

  3. I love your farm pictures. I need to update my site also and start some new blogs. I feel the same as your other blog most of the time or I have things to blog about and then by the time I login and get through that process I have nothing in my head to say.

    Well good blessings to you and your farm. Your goats are gorgeous. We have pygmies and I’m investigating the pygora goats. I know a lady that has angora goats I’m just afraid to tell her I want to buy one of her bucks just to breed with the pygmy does and get some pygoras. What do you think? Anyways it’ll be a while on that since we are driving the men in our family insane with having fiber animals. Granny actually has the pygmies and I have the alpacas. I love my alpacas! Kids love Granny’s goats since they are easier to hold and play with. I am also looking into getting an angora rabbit since my daughter has been asking for a rabbit for a year now (and I never was able to get her a horse). I believe the angora rabbit would be the best since fiber is mom’s focus and I am important to keep happy. lol.

  4. By the way I hope you had a HAPPY BIRTHDAY! & I took am confused about Robin’s suicide. Now that I think about it I did read it in his eyes. But what does a far away spectator of a great actor do to help him be happy, even though his humor covered the sadness within him. I pray the LOVE of the Creator to forgive his sadness and death.

    Sheri, I hope your words inspire others and keep you inspired also to keep a positive outlook on all things as you did so well in this blog. Thank you!

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