Sometimes I don’t like what I’ve written and sometimes I just have nothing to say. It’s like the brain isn’t feelin anything new….anything blog worthy. I erase everything. On the other hand…nothing there really to erase!!! Thing is…ok…here’s the thing. It was May 21 when I was told I was dying. May 21. That’s two and a half months. In that 2 ½ months, my whole world has flipped upside down. Sometimes I don’t even feel like the same person….and where is that blog gal……I need her for sure!!! Hehe. So…whats funny is that like last night, I had a blog ready but it didn’t feel worthy….yet….it’s only been 2 ½ months and I’m already deeming my words as no good, unnecessary. It was necessary though. I am quite freaked out about Robin Williams. I swear to you….you coulda listed nearly every person on the planet and it wouldn’t have freaked me out like listing that name…with the word Suicide. What??? I have so dang many emotions that come up with that! A few days in….the main one is……shame. I care so little about the person who is entertaining me that I didn’t even know he had a life of depression??? I didn’t even know!!! It’s not that he didn’t scream it and therefore I didn’t hear….he DID scream it….and I didn’t hear. Shame. I truly had no clue. I should have. A lot of times the ones who are hurting a lot will roll themselves in careers or hobbies or personas. Roll themselves up…rather tarred and feathered….ye know? So covered that nobody can see inside all that gunk, to the real person. Robins gunk was his humor and boy did he wear it thick. It’s been really bothering me that I missed it. I can usually see those things…see it in the eyes…..the face lines. The sadness stress face. So maybe look at the ones who wear all kinds of armors…know any???
I even wonder now at my beliefs about suicide. I had myself convinced that if I died, I’d have to come back AGAIN!!! I didn’t wanna come back again. What if…a suicide is just like any other thing of life. It’s just an experience. What if it’s NOT the unpardonable sin. What if Robin Williams killing his own self…….is needed for other people…..is needed period??? What if…like all else….it’s in perfect timing…..the perfect thing. All perfect LOVE. What if his choice of how to love himself….to leave…is necessary right now. What if there are many others who need to go and he helped them out. I know…a lot of what if’s….but what if??? What if he needed to do that, and I needed to write this…all for so and so in Timbuktu….to run around the Maypole and fling a rope to the top…so that one day 2 years from now…that rope will save little Susie’s life. Ha! Music….fun…..love….a story……..a death….a life. Thank you Robin. Thank you for the laughter and thank you for the insight into how someone could desire so much laughter. Thank you….for the memories. It’s been a few days and I’m still in denial. Still so opposite what I expected. Woulda been the greatest of all time….surprise ending. Well, no woulda to it. It was, is. The Grandest Surprise Ending. Yup, twist of the century. Night night man.
Oh goodness. My hubby just brought me a gift that he had ordered that took awhile. Hmmn. :=))) It’s a flashlight. LED, therefore high powered and will stay charged longer than anything I already have. Awwe, he was thinkin of me after all folks, on my birthday!!! Well….I didn’t adequately explain why I’m bothered by Robin Whatchamacallit…’s death…maybe on another day it will bubble on out of me. In the meantime….signing off at YeeHaw Ranch…..no cookie.