oh my GOD…that COOKIE!!!!!

Am I one of those Russian nesting dolls? Crack one open and there’s another inside waiting for you? Sometimes I feel like that…and I wait for the real me to show back up. Yup….I’m waiting. I’m waiting and in the meantime, I’m watching this other Sheri chick go by and I’m seeing all of her faults and not liking her so much right now. Oh gosh….how to write a blog when I keep deleting???? Suffice it to say I’m not too happy with finding out who I can be. I always thought I was a certain one way…..apparently not. I’m really being put through the wringer here. Yes, it’s a mind wringer but just like a washing machine wringer outer……..twisting the thoughts and the muscles together. It’s an endless nothing with nothing. Nothing worth writing about, so I delete it, then it’s back to that thought but phrased a different way. I’m awash in regrets. Whoda thunk??? See what I mean about that nesting doll? I’m being torn to shreds now….I get it. Man, this Spirit sure has a sense of humor. Yes, I am tearing myself to shreds figuratively in order to understand the depth of me……the irony is that the beginning of my spiritual quest/journey began with my thoughts being shredded. Thoughts of my daughter or my son…shredded. I get it now. It’s my turn. My true labor. True spiritual labor. In time for a birthday rebirth that was postponed. Haha. How funny. Yup, Summer got me a therapeutic rebirth where you get to design the birth and be there for yourself….for those of us who don’t remember or never had a mothers love at birth. Oh man…I’m watching Thomas the train….boy do I need to end this and go to sleep. Night night sweet people. 3:07am = 1 = beginnings!
Not kidding. I really did watch that and I really did watch it again in the morning. Everything for me is sped up timewise but otherwise…in slow motion. It’s quite a conundrum. I’m finding the whole newness fascinating. I have so many things to experience, or re-experience but in a new brain….it’s always a new brain but not always an awareness of a new brain. This is so much fun. Ohhhh, well, till it isn’t. I guess that should be clarified…not all of the spiritual journey….is fun and cool and awesome. Sometimes it’s ick and dirt and wasps. And sometimes….you just gotta have a cookie. Yesterday I had, for the 2nd time, a cookie at Chili’s. This cookie is in a small cast iron skillet and then it has a scoop of vanilla ice cream. Last night, I wanted some and my new food addiction zero’d in on that cookie. Somehow I was the winner last night and I and the car remained here on the land. Today, I deemed it my birthday cookie and both my kids went for a ride to get a cookie. So I lost….but did I really? I got the cookie. So I won! Did I really? I gained 10 lbs in one week….Before eating the Cookie!
Uggh…..this is truly strange. I’m learning as fast as I can and part of the time I’m down about what I’m learning about myself then I remember not to be…but to just be interested instead….just learn about it….about what you’re feeling. It’s fascinating to do this on a regular basis. I’m being reminded by Spirit at each lesson…to realize that it is a lesson and gather it so I can study and remember it. Shoot…when theres time! Time is speeding by so swiftly now that I can barely keep up let alone do things and meditate and garden and and and. Blink and its time to sleep. Blink….time to sleep. Goodness. Ha….that sure was a nice cookie today! Gooness, gonna have to go get more of those there cookies. Night night. Me and my extraness….my new 10 pounds, well, we’re fixin to drink some chamomile tea now…while we wear the smell of small pit fire. Yum. Summer…to say hello to the moon! = pit fire. I tried, too warm….I came back in after a quick thank you to the Moon. Someone said thank you to me again…for quitting my addictions…to help the rest of the world. I like thinking on it like that. By me doing it…it passes on like a hundredth monkey. :=))) Night night. 1:36am = 1 = beginnings.
And another cookie bites the dust. Summer and I went there and did it again…to use the coupon of course…but once again there was a reason we couldn’t use the coupon. So…cookies in 3’s? Lol. Ya, we both got one….and both loving it. Hey, it’s whats for breakfast today. Who knows what will be for lunch. I have another aspect of my cure starting soon and when Summer talks about it, it sounds horrible. What have I gotten myself into??? The new meds I started 2 weeks or so ago, well, they be strong out the wazoo and bad tasting and they linger with the body. Slowly but surely the cures are going in this vessel….this God given body. When it’s over…I will tell you the recipe I used to Live. If it looks like it didn’t work…I’ll still tell ya so you know what DOESN’T work. Be hard to single any one thing out cuz I believe pretty strongly in each cure independently…..well, maybe not each…..there’s a few that Summer is gungho about, not me. I already know there are side effects to some. I already know that loss of sleep is one. I know that my brain is mush. I know that my memory is on stilts and my mind is strange. What else will happen? What more interestingness will the new cures bring? Well, I got a tiger tongue to paint and some sweets to pretend I’m not eating. One of the meds….who knows which….has ..oops…it could be the illness, not a med…either way, I have no energy. None. I can sit here in the bed and paint, that’s about it. So many to shear and oh man…they got soaked today and the coats got fairly trashed in just one rain event. 17 baby fleeces…half ruined in one day. Yup…what was it about this rain? Dunno. Man…that’s an end note for sure. Bummer. Anyway…it is raining here in droughty Texas so Yay!!! Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch.
Oh God… It is nights like this when I feel my aliveness more than usual. When I realize that I am stronger than Robin Williams. When I realize that I was unknown and therefore he didn’t know me so I couldn’t help him. (And yes of course I know how grandiose that sounds but shit…Robin friggin Williams has just killed himself. Oh I am so so sorry I didn’t get to help you…..I woulda tried real hard.) This is very sad.






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