Learning my Shadow side…..

I have been learning that I should love my shadow side. My dark side. I thought, ye know, next time I come across that shadow side, I’ll remember this. Well, tonight was the night. I received some help from Summer on the totem painting. Just a little help to break up the job some. I have a strict way of thinking about my art, therefore, that carries into the way I discuss it. When she finished and sat it away…..so we could look…the words that came out of my mouth….came out as if they were speaking to me. They were however, not speaking to me. They came out as mean and ungrateful sounding words. In other words, they came out….flaws first……useable parts next. Boy, there have been so many lessons I’ve had to learn through Summer lately. I’m very blessed and lucky that she is mature and enlightened enough to go through it with me instead of reacting as a regular human would. Must be that mirror business. Not sure, but I do know this…..the me I’m seeing….I’m not liking and I’m fairly quick to see it and say…oh crap…..that’s me? Gosh, really???? I’m really one that would criticize first…appreciate last? Man, that sucks….and would really suck to be my children if that’s how I really am. It is what I asked for though….to know what I need to know. What I’m doing wrong…ya, that’s on the need to know list!!! Ya…and my Self is coming through for me by finding these things for me to look at and analyze. Crap…especially that one……I mean, just plain rude Sheri Lee!!! Uggh. I’m working on it!!! Alrighty then….there’s a large garden spider telling me to go to sleep now. Trust. Yikes. Yikes. I like spiders but yikes…these are so big….but ya, if I remove it…there’s probably another that could easily get on me. Oh but man, that’s just creepy…….don’t think I can. 3:09am = 3 = Trinity. Yay….I was able to get him into the next room. See, it’s awareness. What is ready to ……hmmm, go the positive route….what is ready to make my day perfect tomorrow? It’s just waiting.
Ya, wow….I woke up thinking about that shadow self I didn’t know about. Man alive…I really didn’t know she was there. I mean, I figured I had some bad stuff but whammmo…in my face. Ya…I really did that! I really treated my daughters hard work with an attitude of…it’s a possible, probably temporary….don’t expect it to stay there kinda attitude. Ha…like I said, like I woulda talked to myself….but I was talking to someone else who had volunteered their time. Ya…I need to and WILL get a handle on this. It’s enlightenment 101 but at a ramped up pace. On the fast track, I am. Like maybe in the …..enlightenment for Dummies…Pay per View track!!!!!! I think I’m in that room of many mirrors, the kind from the carnival. Oh gosh…may I be worthy of walking through the mirrors…cuz the mirrors are YOU and you and You and yOU and You and YoU…..etc.
Every moment of every day…we are seeking pleasure. Be it with food, conversations, eye candy, the next sip of whatever, the next flip of our hair to get that under the breath whistle. My pleasures are mostly food with a bit of drink, smile and goat thrown in. Once upon a time, my moments were taken up with cigarettes…now they had to be inventive and well, they stole the obsession of food from the food cells. If I were to try to meditate….it would most likely be food that would occupy my mind. Shoot….who am I foolin? It WOULD definitely be the thoughts that would take up brain space and I would shoo em away and in would swim some new ones….ohhhh, that La leche cake was so good….how much better would it have been had I been brave and tasted the icing? Ya…that kinda thing. Ha….all I know is I wanna try it again. It’s that awareness thing. You see, I’ve heard of it, seen it too…but never had it. Until my hubby brought me one home…and it was mine and it would go to waste if I didn’t try it….until that moment, it was still in the dark. But the moment I tasted it, smelled it, cut it with my fork…well, now I have an awareness of it. A pinhole of light has been poked in the balloon of my life….and now I see La Leche cake!!! Hmmm. :=) I’ll find some somewhere. Ok….gotta go. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch. PS….. I am very close to being done with the totem!!!