I’ll experience this for a Minute….that’s all, thank you

I’m having a hard time getting my head around the idea that I’m not leaving next week. It’s so hard for me to adjust cuz this was an actual plan in the making. I rarely go places so these “plans” are well, rare. I truly thought I would be going off to work….to make money to heal myself. The fact that I’m not going is rather mind boggling to me. That’s why I’ having a hard time adjusting to the Poohness of it all. I had pictured it so many times, in so many ways…only to have to readjust to being here instead. That’s a pretty big difference. All brought about by LOVE. Love changed everything. Love also counterbalanced my perceived…Lack of Love. Like an ice cream cone, it’s already your favorite flavor so it’s already really awesome in your mind….then dipped in chocolate…then rolled in jimmy sprinkles….and it becomes a twenty minute smile. Hmmm. Maybe, love is it’s own entity. Kinda like fire, they say sometimes that the fire is alive or at least it feels like it to them…maybe…maybe the love is alive too. I dunno. All I know is I’m staying right here for the moment. Adjust to all these meds and see what the heck happens. Sell some of these goats hopefully too.
All because….things change. Every day in every way, things change. We simply wake up different. And…I’m dealing with something different right now. I wasn’t kidding about the new food addiction. It’s very real. It’s a new thing, entity. Sorta. Trying to remember to analyze. I used to eat a whole cake, or around 8 donuts….ya, I guess I do have a food issue. I just fenaggled it into the direction I wanted and away I went. I wanted to be thin. I used my perseverance gifts to stay thin. And now however….it’s the sneakiness at issue. I am not sneaking it from Summer, I’m sneaking it from Her…the me inside who doesn’t want me to have it, who knows the belly is already so full. But she knows and it’s not really sneaking. The funny part is the childish feel to it. I am literally thinking food non stop and then I feel myself smile and do a half giggle when putting sugar in something. Like I’m one up-ing someone….but the only possible one to one up…..is ME!!! It’s me whose liver shouldn’t eat sugarsIt’s me whose body can’t process the food. It’s all ME. I’m not getting this past anyone. It is me that will weigh a ton very soon if I can’t catch it. But this IT….is a new buggarbear really. Not very familiar. Food is everywhere. Food has so many forms. Oh man…this is a really bad and horrible addiction to have. I think I get it now. There’s nothing to stop me. Nothing…but ME.
I can’t put the food up like I would cigarettes. I can’t not buy it, like the beer, cuz others live here. Others have to have food. But man….I’m serious. I just ate 4 pieces of buttered cinnamon raisin toast. Trust me, I will be eating more as the night progresses. I need to find a way to do this. I know I will, but it needs to hurry. My writing skills are failing me here today because this is a serious thing…and I’m not really conveying that. Sugars are what I’m overeating and sugars are the food for the BAD cells. I justify it any way I want, but that doesn’t stop its threat to me. Uggh. Boring too. It feels like Friday every night lately. Its not. It’s Tuesday night. Facebook jumped the gun by a day it appears, so I got all kinds of birthday wishes. Or maybe they are just early wishes. Hubby had me go pick up Summers new car that he bought her (used, a Suburban)…and of course he did it the day before my birthday, which I of course thought well maybe…just maybe, it HAS been over 3 years…maybe my truck is ready and it’ll be a surprise! Nope. Just pickin up the Suburban. Which btw, I have a wee bit of car envy. Remember, I was always callin my car the Burban Bee. But it’s a Blazer. So no…my truck is sitting there…with parts sitting in the backend…waiting to be put in. As usual. AND…it looks purpler than usual. It should look pinker than usual, not purpler. Like I said….it could be my last and it could be my worst or it could be both or neither. Could be just a day. 53 = 8 = infinity. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch.

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6 thoughts on “I’ll experience this for a Minute….that’s all, thank you

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