The Sacred Longing…yup…I got it

A very quiet night. No real nothings…just a bit of reading…the Tao of Pooh, and a bit of listening…Pema Chodron. No painting, just staring at the totem canvas 8 ft in front of me. What did I like, what parts were left, how would I do them? Some of the work involved in a painting involves no painting at all. Just time spent staring….or time spent thinking….or drawing, as in the beginning. That part is done here….all that’s left is the staring and the thinking. Tonights Pema lesson was on meditation….that thing I fight so hard….and she made it sound so simple. Simple. I think that is the word of the week. Simplify. Break it down. Say it so a child could understand. If I have something in front of me in the coming days…..something that is giving me fits say, then I hope to remember to try to strip it down and find the simplest answer. I was about to say simple like an apple…but wowza…..there’s nothing simple about an apple! It’s beauty is infinite and its challenge insurmountable. The beautiful edible apple…that Eve, if there was one…didn’t eat…..if she was here, it wasn’t an apple. Probably a pomegranate would be a better guess. The very pregnant pomegranate. Ya…it’s late and I’m getting squirrely. :=)) Hehe….but I should tell you that while I’m playing within the rules of what they say is wrong with me…..I am stretching them to fit my pleasure, which is not how one defeats the buggar bear. I recognize this and need to get it by the balls soon. Bottom line…I’m eating lots of sugars, healthier sugars, yes, but sugars nonetheless and sugars are what feed the buggar bear. Well, just thought I’d confess that little ditty. I am not unhappy about it, I’m observing it. I’m observing a lot. Ok….bedtime for bonzo. 2:21am = 5 = change!!! Night Sweets!!!
I’m a lot more like Pooh than I realeyes’d. In this book, they talk about the Pooh way. Which is to not really plan things…to take things as they happen and as if they are the most perfect possible thing to happen. Meant to be kinda. That is pretty much how I live my life. Sure, I like to think I’m planning, but in reality….I rarely plan. I have nothing to plan for. I don’t really have dreams. And I’ve been pondering this as well. Why don’t I have dreams? Well, the answer the best I can get to is….I’ve seen a gazillion movies, read a thousand books and personally experienced a lifetime of things. What is left that I can’t imagine? And if I can imagine it…say…the beach. Lets get specific. Pink Beach on the island of Bonaire. Been there. It is indeed pink sand. Ok. So, I can walk that beach…I can pick up shells, I can sit in the surf, I can run in the surf, get caught and tangled in the surf…I can swim out as far as I can and feel the fear of that and swim back to the safety of shore. Ok. So. Done that. Now what? Go to a different beach? How bout one with waterfalls? Been to waterfalls…they take your breath away. Literally. Ok….maybe swimming with dolphins? Ahhh, I can imagine that so easy it’s ridiculous. So…what on earth is there for me to dream about having in a future now…that I can’t just picture in my mind and make it nearly as good? I truly don’t know. I was really really trying hard yesterday to think of some dream for me to have. A goal. Some kind of prize at the end of curing my death sentence. I couldn’t find a prize. I don’t know how to dream. Would a beach in Bali be that much different than a beach in Puerto Rico or Jamaica? How about parasailing? I can envision it safely from my chair. Is this sad? Am I an agoraphobic? Or have I simply seen it all….be it via Tv or in real life? I used to think that being Freshly Pressed at WordPress was a worthy dream. Nah…all it means is more readers….unearned to boot. So…I throw you to the wind Mr. Freshly Pressed! OR…any beach at all. I was recently on a trip as you all know….on that trip, we could have diverted to the ocean at many stages of the journey. But why? I thought I sorta wanted to…but why? I already know what it feels like to stand in the wet sand barefoot and have the wave come over my feet, feel my feet get somewhat buried with the piling up of tiny salt size pieces of sand…that’s a lot of sand if you think about it….and then to squish the foot outta that sand and hear the sucking sound as the foot rises out and is completely released. I know the smell. The sound. And if I haven’t done it personally….what possible dream could I have that I haven’t or can’t see on tv or in the movies? Any ideas? Does this mean I’m pretty much done with life? And if so…why am I fighting so hard to stay here? Especially considering my background of wanting to leave. Why, I wonder? Why is the self preservation so very strong? Why am I willing to completely change my life…in order to stay? I really don’t get it. Fear…..it must be fear. Fear of what happens when I take that last breath. Then what? See, I hate unknowns. Hate is a very strong word. I fear the unknown…it is all fear anyway isn’t it. Hate = fear. Anything that isn’t love…is fear. Wow, and when I look at it like that….i see……wow. I have a lot of fear….know and have known this forever….that means that whatever I fear…..I don’t love. Awwe. I’d rather have love. Let me conquer this fear thing. Hmmm…guess that would be done with love. Let me love you little fears!!! I do try to picture the snake with rollerskates on…but somehow I don’t think that’s love…that’s just fear wearing rollerskates. Hehe. Ya, aren’t I something? Yes, I am…and ye know what???? So are you!!! We are all Somethin!!! Alrighty then….it is Friday night….go forth and LOVE!!! Hmmm, in a practical sort of way that is. Don’t go overboard or you might have to tread water awhile. But then again….thats a fear….tread away!!! LOL. Signing off still searching…at YeeHaw Ranch. Ps….Two cats are at the vets with Summer. Ha, couldn’t find the carrier so one went in a zip bag and one under a fiber wash basket…in the end…both were freed in the car and were happier. Summer went to library recently so I been reading…today I’m dabbling into….After the Ecstasy, the Laundry by Jack Kornfield. Oh…and I never want to forget to say…..to….You know who you are: Thank you so beautifully wondrously much!!! OH dear….The Pooh Way…..I digressed. The Pooh Way changes things like it or not. It just did. Now, I have less options, but then again…what am I dreaming anyway??? And PSS….I cannot help myself….I guess my dream is the search. The why am I here? It is forever on my mind even if hovering just behind the….whats for dinner and did that goat get wormed? This book calls it….the Sacred Longing. Yup. That would describe it for me!!! Later!!!

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4 thoughts on “The Sacred Longing…yup…I got it

  1. For me, love is love, fear is fear, and hate is hate. They may overlap at times but I have not had any insights when I have substituted the idea of fear for the idea of hate. For me, hate often involves a betrayal. I think love is the most powerful one, but the hardest to access for some reason.

    I’m really enjoying reading your thoughts. Your blog gets stronger and stronger each day.

    • Hehe. Death becomes her!!! Lol maybe it’s Life tho!!! Awesomeness girlfriend. Hmmm look closer at the fear love hate. :)))

      Sheri Lee…….Sent by Fairy Dust from YeeHaw Ranch

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