heart lessons….as fast as I can

While I was under the blanket, sliding down walls and thinking thoughts, I was also feeling alive. Have you ever noticed that it’s when we are in times of trouble or stress or sadness or grief….these are our alive times. We Feel everything. When it’s just joy…I know I know….it should never be Just Joy…but when it is joy or happiness or giddiness or gratefulness…any of the quote positive emotions, we really aren’t doing much thinking…much analyzing. Much thinking or learning about who we are. As I sit in my imaginary wall slunk position, I contemplate everything. Life…death….how did I get here? Who am I? Who do I wanna be if not her? We ponder. We dig. We rarely dig when in joy. No…joy is just that. Joy. The completion of feelings to their culmination. Satisfaction. Joy. Ending to a thing, that has produced good feelings in the belly. When we are in the throes, the belly is in full active use….aching, needing, wanting, hating, crying, heaving. All belly things. I guess that’s why the belly is the yellow chakra. The solar plexus. The warrior in us, the wisdom, the self respect. Hmmm, does joy have a chakra? No, I don’t believe so. Joy is also felt in the belly, but it’s fleeting….cuz joy is fleeting. Quick. A transient emotion that is rather elusive and somewhat rare. I have felt it a lot in the past 14 years. Beyond that…a few times…births. That’s about it. But solar plexus emotions…wowza…familiar I am. I learned tonight that I am, part of what we are supposed to be doing….what I’m supposed to be doing, is to understand myself. Hmmm. I already do that. I analyze most if not all of my thoughts. Apparently not all, or I would be further along. Oh, I also learned that to wish or crave to be…further along, which I tend to do…is to discredit the me now. See….there’s that now again. Man, it sure pops up everywhere. My constant wish to be further enlightened…discredits the phase of enlightenment that I am NOW, presently in. And whats wrong with this phase of knowing…understanding? Nothing, absolutely nothing. I just am in a hurry right now. Oooooh, I also read that if you are aware of an illness…you live longer than one who is unaware…cuz since you’re aware…you make changes. I am aware of my illness now and boy have I made changes!!! So….these things are presently on my mind….my mind….and the need for it….the sometimes wish for the silence of it…but ultimately, the gift of it….as well as the thoughts. Oh those thoughts. There are a gazillion each day. I was so blessed to watch/witness my brains process last night. It’s not an ordinary feat. Usually we are so caught up in the moment, in the misery or whatever emotion is happening….that we lose sight of what is happening inside the mind or the body. I was blessed with a full view…..like a mini movie and I got to help choose the outcome. I got to steer the outcome. I got to see the path and choose not to take it. Remarkable. Quite the learning lesson. So many things going on for me…whether they be thoughts or repercussions or outcomes of thoughts…..some important some not yet deemed unimportant…but should be. I’m in college now, spiritual college…..way past the 12 th grade…..yet….headed back to kindergarten. Simplicity. Recognize all thoughts as….thoughts that can be changed. Recognize all parts of self as necessary and important…even the so called negative ones. They are all part of me…part of you. They make us who we are each second of the day. They get us to turn left or right or have us stay straight and steady. Every thought…makes up who we are. Yay!!! Thoughts are fun! I learn. Night night. Sleep tight. 2:47am = 4 = Angels. Oh…they have left the building….taking a break and will arrive at the new homes on Sunday. Don’t forget! May they bless you as much as you need blessed. Amen. Ps….My mug broke. My favorite mug…of which there are 2 identical….was broken with complete careless-ness. I was removing my bed pillow leany thing and could feel the careless-ness in my hands…in my body…felt the brokenness of something about to be. Oh no! My mug. I wanted to cry. In the end, I simply remade the chamomile tea and put it in a different mug. A completely different mug. As I sit here and drink it, I realeyes, it is the same chamomile tea…just the vessel is different. Is that what happens when we die? We stay the same and are put in a new vessel?….and we grow from there? Like part 2, 3, 4, etc in a movie???? I wonder these things. I like that I wonder these things.
I have new music again. Oh, still listen to Amma stuff, of course, but this is more generic…and what a soothing voice this man has. Krishna Das. Just love his music. Ye know, there are some mornings when I wake and I rush to open and read last nights blog portion. Sometimes my learnings come so fast and furious that I wonder how it translated with my words. Today was one of those days, but as usual…I like it and I don’t think it’s too hard to follow. I teach as I learn. Rather like the baby who touches the stove…learns that is hot and it causes ouch and don’t do it again……I am that baby, but I speak fluent English and I don’t just get the owie, I tell people about the owie and how it felt and how I feel about it now too. Hehe, all encompassing learning. Sorta full circle. But nevertheless…it is coming hard and fast for me now. Then again, I did wish it. Reminds me of my wish for enlightenment on that shooting star back in 2006. Boy did I get my wish that time! And I’m getting it now too. I asked it of Amma and I asked again to the Angels. I feel a hurry, an urgency…but then again, most people probably do who have been told they are dying. I’m not dying though. I am taking the reins of this dis-ease in my body. I do believe we have figured out the regimen, protocol. We haven’t fully calculated the price yet though. It certainly won’t be anything like the out of country fixes. This is a protocol of many different things at once. I may wait till after I am cured before I tell you what they all are….after all, I do have a bit of influence possibly and until I know for sure something works….I don’t wanna give it a ton of energy and have bunches of people taking it. Let’s just see what they do. Some go together like pie and ice cream and others are just selected for their own properties. My own…hopefully….personal cure. But like I said…if they work…I will share…of course. It feels good to have finally chosen. Finally decided. I have combined some you knew of and some you didn’t. An all around cure and when completed…I should be one healthy lady! And my lungs should be quite good again…..even though I abused them myself….I still can help them out….and they will help me, they are a part of me after all and our goal is to survive and thrive. Ok….many words today. Sorry sorta. :=))) Later Chickies and Roo’s!!! Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch. Ps…….There are a few people out there to whom I am ever so grateful. Thank YOU from my healing heart.

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4 thoughts on “heart lessons….as fast as I can

  1. Haha! “Sorry, sort of”. I like your sense of humor. Several years ago, I made a promise to God and myself that if I ever had to go through a trial similar to one I went through when I was younger, that this time I wouldn’t race through it and merely try to escape it, that I would wait it out and experience it and let it be until it was no more. And sure enough, the trial returned, as I knew it would, and now to keep my promise. Your thoughts on “now” reminded me of that. And boosted my resolve.

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