…..AND she sinks

How much do I love thee…me…let me count the ways. Hmmmm. 0 Zero. Apparently zero. I hear all the time that it is impossible to love others unless you first love yourself. Well I am here to tell you that is Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. I love fast, hard and deep………yet I cannot stand up for myself. I cannot shield myself. Cannot protect myself. Cannot love myself. Why is that? I can see. I’m an intelligent being and I can see what kind of person I am. I can feel what kind of person I am as well. Intellectually I can tell you that I am a good, kind loving nurturing helping human. So why am I not worthy of my own love? I am falling down a pit again. AGAIN for ggods sakes. WHY???? I want to scream it. Why? But no, I am the little girl, sliding down the wall, in the corner, covering her face with her hands and head held in downward dejected position. Hiding. Don’t see me. Please, don’t see me. I’m not worth seeing. So many others are. Look at them. NO matter how good I feel, how good a mood I am in, how happy and full of joy I seem…in the end, I am that dejected lost little girl, who sees no hope…..who sees no light…stuck in the tunnel. I am so stuck. I can’t even save myself. I’m dying and there are many cures available….yet….I cannot make decisions. I cannot speak up for myself as to what I want….so….nothing happens. Day after day….time goes by. My Time. My seconds are counting…ticking by…tick tick tick. You see? There they went. Just gone. Soon, I will be, just gone. Who will care? Will I? What is wrong with me that I can’t love a human like me? A special human like me.
As an artist….the artist in me wants to leave a legacy…all the art that will make people look and say…oh wow…how true. I don’t. I just do animals. I don’t really do art. And even then….if I were dying…I seem to say that to myself a lot…If I were dying, wouldn’t I wawnt to leave lots and lots of animals to be remembered by? Ya, maybe as an artist…but not as Sheri. Oh no, Sheri just sits. Sits and stares at the art….or the blank canvas. Nothing is worthy of being immortalized….documented…oh, except these writings. And what is up with that? Why does someone who wants to stay hidden, want to blog to the world? I have always said I am a walking contradiction and I’m walking as fast as I can….but this is ridiculous.
Stand up! Load your car with your art and your art supplies and your pillow and some food…and go. Just go. Go to California and sell on street corners. Work in front of them, take requests. Collect the money and save it. Then, buy a couple plane tickets and go to India. Learn what the heck you’re missing abouot the Godness of each of us. Learn what is missing from your mind. Learn what thehy say you have forgotten and be done with it. But…..[play with the elephants while you are there. Swim in the ocean while you are there. Smell the ocean breeze while you are there. Have I told you how much I love the ocean? Have I told you how severely I want to hug an elephant? And be hugged back? Have I told you that everything I learn….deep down….I’m learning for others? For you maybe? It is my desire….to help others who are so swallowed and sitting in the dark. Oh sure…I see the light most of the time these days….but do you friggin know how dark the dark is???? When it comes….its still every bit as dark as it always was….even though you were just in the light!!!! It matters not. The dark is still the dark and the light is still the light and apparently the two don’t like to mix much. Crash…I’d love to see that crash. I’d love to be in it. I think I’d come out as a rainbow. A bit of all. That would be nice. A rainbow human…nobody could scoff at that…and while wishes were horses….my wish would be not a horse, but a baby elephant, also rainbow colored like me. And we would go everywhere together, especially to the beach. Last night, I went to the beach in my heart where Jesus is lately…and saw this angry woman stomping around…on MY beach!!! How dare she? That’s my beach. In MY heart!!! This is wrong, oh so all wrong. I am at a loss. I don’t know where to put my next foot to step. I don’t know how to step, where to step, why to step, when to step. Lost. I feel lost. Wrap me in a cocoon and store me until…..heck I dunno…just until. Oh…until I Can be a rainbow human with a rainbow baby elephant friend. There. That is my wish. I have wished. The end. Signing off today at Yee and Haw Ranch. Left and Right. Hmmm….what about up, down, straight and behind? Just toss a blanket on me. If I figure it all out…I’ll lift my head. Ps…I then see someone who is down…and I say…NO…don’t be down! You shouldn’t be down! Not YOU!!! Here, I’ll come outta my cave and help pull you back up. Go figure. (Just a page in the book of Sheri)

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4 thoughts on “…..AND she sinks

  1. I think the writing has the potential to reach more people, more accessibly, and over a longer period of time. Maybe that’s why you write. “Voice” is the most important thing for a person to have. Maybe writing is more “voice” oriented than painting. And then again, maybe you’ll paint tomorrow.

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