Oh well…..to Hospital I go

I’m not sure why I insist on living. We did everything last night to keep me alive…ha, except a hospital…no. The pain was excruciating. My body was at 104.7 for hours before I told my daughter how bad it was. I just lay here in my bed whining and praying aloud and chanting and speaking gibberish. Oh Lordie…when I told her. Wet cool cloths. On an on fire body…does NOT feel very good. At different times cold cloths were on my head, my belly, back, wrists, legs and even my feet. Wet socks. I gibberished some more. It was horrible, just horrible. The ac was on full blast, ceiling fan on, no covers and wet cloths. I was so cold, yet so hot. It seemed to go on forever. The goal was to get to 100 degrees. We never did get there. At 2:30am, we decided 101 was ok to stop at….that way if there was anything still in me that needed burned out, 101 was still good and hot. It was an exhausting night that I had no idea if I would survive. Just as the temp came down….up it went again. Over and over. Finally it was over. And when I woke…it was 98.2. I woke with the words…Bluedog, mama sweated!!! OH…and I remember my dream!!! It’s not very clear right now but I surely do remember the end. It’s some kind of community type thingy, I was in several places but in the end, I’m walking past a group of people…we are doing something together….and I recognize …..and I say….is that? And with a giggle I was whisked on to do what we set out to do. Brad Pitt was his name. He was working hard and his long hair was swinging in the breeze. It all seemed very real, very lifelike. It’s been forever since I’ve remembered dreams. Figured I would now I quit drinkin, but this is the first….at 14/15 days later. Pretty cool.
So, I wonder what it is that made me fight so hard, endure so much of what felt like torture….to stay alive? Considering my background it’s a good question. At one point, I remember saying to God….if it’s time to go…..I’ll go, but I think I’m not done yet. Am I done? I don’t think I’m done. I stared at this one photo of Amma and it gave me great comfort. I am still in awe that she chose to come to earth to do this. By giving me a mantra, she has agreed to be my guru, my teacher. I’ve taken to going on walks with Jesus when I lay down to sleep the past few nights. We don’t talk, strange, but we don’t. Sometimes we hold hands and walk down my pink sand beach and sometimes we don’t and sometimes we just sit and watch the waves. Today I brought in Neshie the elephant, my spirit guide and he went playing and splashing in the water…great fun. This imagination stuff is awesome!!! And oh so healing.
Well, this makes no sense, but upon calling the Dr.’s office to explain the fever and ask if x-ray was done at the office…was told no, but that place is closed and tomorrow too so you’d need to go to hospital. However, I am no longer in crisis. Thank you everybody and thank you SummerGirl. I didn’t eat yesterday and am not hungry yet, but I bet I should eat. I’ve never been the sickly type…just the invisible pain type, so this is quite hard for me. A new role. I don’t like new roles especially non fun ones. Ha, maybe that’s why Brad Pitt was in my dream! Oh, and it should be known that…..all of this pain…put together….is no match for what I have gone through on a daily by yearly basis in my arm and leg muscles. Now you see why I’m calling myself a very tough JOB? Job as in the bible. This is all illness related so will be an excerpt in the dying/living book. Oh….and Rick Simpson posted today about the scammer. Ha…they were only gonna charge me $300 some they charged $700 or $1200…and sent them nothing after receiving the money.
That is such a low energy thing to do. I bet this lady…and it was tracked back to a lady…nah, female…..I bet this female comes back as hmmm…..what’s the most lowlife life one could experience on this planet? Let’s see…….a fish in a drought….oooh, a fish everyone wants to eat, like tuna or salmon. Ya, salmon….that’s it. They have a very hard life trying to get to their birthing grounds, only to be caught right up and sold, cooked and eaten. One day, I will find this medicine. DO they not have it in the dispensaries???? It just makes no sense. I thought it was legal in Colorado for sure??????? So confusing. Well, this fever brought it home bigtime. I need both, as I’ve been saying. Both spiritual and physical grace. I think a few months stay in India will solve both. Staying at Amma’s ashram, and getting the India meds and treatment. It’s the cookie….and getting to eat it too. There….I’ve made my decision. If I can find the oil in the meantime….that would be awesome…I’ll try all avenues. Yuk…down the hatch goes the vitC water. And…..water. You know I hate water. Oh and crap. What did I do with this day???? It might have been the one day I was given. One day. What if that were true? I asked to be worthy of receiving another day. What did I do today that was worthy of receiving todays breath? I said thankyou to a whole pileload of wonderful people….I offered advice to someone who was offering me help…and I wrote this here stuff…which is for the book…which is to help people. BUT……something else did happen this day. This one day. My daughter explained that I needn’t be afraid to die, thinking I’m not entirely enlightened enough…….that Amma has my back and that’s why she came. That she is so expansive that her arms can hug my whole farm and all the animals and all the people. That…gave me solace. Also, we read a lot of Amma’s words. A man died while saying his mantra…….he has ascended for sure. See, I don’t wanna come back. But Summer also assured me that all the good I’ve done….will roll with me should I have to continue here again. Ok…here’s the possible bad news. My temp is rising again. Shit. 100.1 I just made a deal to go to the hospital if it goes to 101! Apparently a fever that goes up and down is pretty serious….so we are told by a Dr. friend of mine. Oh God I so hate hospitals. They leave you sitting helpless under too cold or too hot water that they insist you have to be clean….no matter how you feel. There are so many diseases and pathogens floating in the air there. Ok. Well, I love you guys. I’m sorry. I tried. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch and hope to return. Love to all. May you all be blessed with a wondrous life that gives you more joy than sorrow. Blessings.


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