Mama’s HOME…….!

Well, we have left the beautiful rolling firefly hills of Virginia. The time came to a close with very tiny goodbyes and a hug or two….this the ending, after the hug of hugs. The hug of hugs has been shallow for me. It’s my own fault. I never give myself credit. I just had to ask. Just friggin had to ask. When will I ever learn? Here’s the deal. For some ungodly reason, I insisted on asking if I was saying my mantra correctly. I was NOT. Then, I didn’t connect to the new way. I was SO connected to the old way, that the new one was hollow and sparse. I then asked everyone I came in contact with…what should I do? The new one or the old one? Did you hear what I just said? I asked everyone I came in contact with. Why didn’t I ask ME? I am after all, the one who matters in this particular thing. But no…..I ask everyone under the sun. The answer is always the same. Whichever one you want to use. The one that feels the best. I can say the new way, just as well…..it just isn’t the same. Should anyone have asked ME, the answer would have been this…..Had you never returned to see Amma ever again….you would have used that mantra forever. It is yours forever. Besides…I clearly remember saying….shay yay? And the guy saying yes, you’ve got it. I wrote it down as shay yay. No, I’m not giving it away…not breaking the deal…not to tell anyone the mantra. Cuz in truth…the word is not shay yay. Only mine. And it is mine. I’m settling this once and for all right now.
We slept at Colleen’s house last night….waking her at 4am to let us in. She was a real sweetheart and her and her dog Newton were awesome. Got me the necessary hot water for my new beer tea(chamomile)…showed us to our sleep spots then off to bed she went after getting a good 5 hugs at least. :=))) We slept great and woke at 11am and were off again. It was the longest slowest travel day in history. So many stops. Then tonight, something happened. I’m not gonna tell you what happened, only that something did indeed happen. It was something awful. I am still reeling from it and don’t really know how to proceed. I don’t know where to go with this. I lost something. It’s not that I don’t wanna tell you what it was…I just can’t. And, I don’t wanna tease you by dangling something “juicy” then clamming up like an oyster. But it just happened and I am fresh….fresh in the pain of it. The horror. My daughter won’t tell you either. We are the only witnesses. We are…. The experiencers. We are…scarred. Strange…we are….so close to Marshall, Tx as I keep saying, we are. Marshall Texas…home of the football team and squad that died in an airplane crash right over their hometown….killing everyone but 2 or 3 who weren’t there for some reason or another. That was their chant….We are: Marshall. Very sad movie….very sad happening….just down the road. Ya. I’m here drinking my chamomile tea and trying to de-stress. Not sure it’s possible. And don’t try to pull it outta me. Ain’t happenin. Trauma. That’s all you get. And ye know what? I still haven’t smoked. And, there’s a beer in the cooler. The one beer that has been left all along…I brought it with us just in case…and it’s still in the cooler. I’m over here chatting about it by not chatting about it…so I’m really not dealing with it….or processing it….I’m avoiding it. If only a magic carpet would appear and whisk me home in the morning. Or a genie…to blink…and poof…I’m at home. That’s what I wish. Home with my babies…home with my Bluedog…home with my bed….my room…which may not even be welcoming. It will smell like smoke…nasty nasty smoke. Well….we are in a motel. A hundred dollar and so not worth it hotel. But compared to the others…its great…..and I needed something desperately. My 2nd cup of beertea is steeping. I should be crying. Nope…just steepin tea. Bracing for the flashbacks. Oh chamomile….how do I love thee….let me count the ways. 1 mississippi, 2 mississippi, 3 mississippi, 4 sleepassippi 5. Night night sweet folkies. 3:16am = 1 = beginnings.
Oh man. I said I was strong. I’m not so sure now. All it took was arriving home and it rushed back. I didn’t wanna paint. Don’t worry Barb. I feel so tricked by God. Are we having fun yet? No. I said I’d carry you along for the ride…well, this is an ugly dip. I feel ugly for even wanting either one. I have nothing to say. Goodnight. 1:43am =8 = infinity and 1:44am = 9 = endings.
I have dealt with the thing….I’m ignoring it. Done. Done forever. The house isn’t all that smoke stinky. It was when I walked in last night but I’ve adjusted to it. I also freaked last night thinking I’d lost my painting art thingy now that I can’t beer or inhale. But I woke up thinking of the art so many there is hope…art and tea. Yuk and tarnation but hells bells….it is what it is. 8 days no beer. 8 days no cigarettes. Food…lotsa food. If I weren’t so dang skinny I’d be worried. Thank you God for SkinnyPOP popcorn in a bag. No butter, just salt…and it goes in and in and in and in. Yay skinnypop. Grocery shopping today already…fridge empty of anything for me. The peacock Bert, is sitting on 2 eggs in the back of the broken down zenbuggy. She was just off it so I ran to see…yup, 2 speckled eggs. Good girl…high where the pups can’t get to! The goats all look fine. Rather hot here so they look a little bedraggled and sticker burrs in most goats curls, but healthy. The baby Flutterbug is wondering why she can’t have bottle anymore. And…Sochi is 6 months old now and needs to move!!! Need to hurry and shear the rest of the bigboys real quick…then start on babies….and start selling. Very strange doings that…people asking for a mom and a baby…or a white or…lol. Just strange for me. Guess the herd idea isn’t gonna go. Will ask the guy one last time since it was the 15th we were going by.
I feel weird here now. Just plain weird. Still my bed…just different. No smoking. No beer. Still not for sure what it’ll do to my art. Ok…well, Mama is home and all are safe and sound. Love my babies. Blue is eating again! He loves his Mama. Ok…signing off with a big huge smiling sigh of relief….at YeeHaw Ranch!!! Yay…fun….and needed….and over! Home! Later.

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