Pain, pain and more pain….and fireflies!!!

(From right before I got sick)…Everyone is asleep but me and its so early. Only one am. I tried the art last night but couldn’t get into it. I just ate a snack. Here ya go……Blue Diamond Natural …..Almond Nut Thins. (Nut and rice cracker snacks). Well, they taste a lot like popcorn, so I eat them. Not too bad, but popcorn would be better, but alas…unless air popped…bad oil. Hmmm, why can’t I pop them in butter? I can eat butter. Ever since I got that cough, it’s been rough. Lots of scrambling to get herbs. Nobody was home but us. She found a lady with milk goats who rents a house on property…an herbalist and shes the one who said it was the black mold. She said get me outta there…but theres nowhere else to go at the moment. We bought 2 tinctures from her and I’ve been taking them all night along with eating my first ever 2 spoonfuls of HONEY. I was always afraid of honey due to my allergy to bees. It was strong, like the cane sugar. I also drank peppermint tea and mullein tea and then infused mullein with the tinctures…yuk! Also, Summer put a few oils together and rubbed them on my chest. Then we had fun. She had washed the clothing that came out of the trailer, or some……and we tried them on and what she no longer liked….she passed my way. SCORE! I’m finally realizing my style. Actually I have always known it…but didn’t ever locate it just right or, well…lots of excuses. I love love uneven things. Pointy points hanging down or one side high the other low, or front short and back long or vice versa. I’ve also always had a thing for peasant shirts. Maybe I should find some more. I’m really digging this layered look. Its hard to explain, I’ll have to take photos.
I worked on the book a bit more tonight, then I pulled the fairy story out of the cobwebs. There were only 2 paragraphs, but they got to me. Apparently I am now very fond of these characters and when I read what was happening next, I cried. When I write fairy stories, I don’t think about what might happen. NOPE… NOT AT ALL. I simply sit down…read the last paragraph or two if there is one…and begin and it flows. I did the same tonight….after the tears, then there were more of course. Because I write in the moment… turned a direction that I didn’t see coming…had never even envisioned as a possibility. Now you see why the NOW is good. So I sat back. I looked at it. I ran my brain through the books and whamo….got it. It did indeed work. I love how spirit works. I decided to stop there. Only 2 paragraphs in…was great!!! I now knew how to steer the whole thing. Haha…hopefully I will know again next time I look at it, like tomorrow maybe…cuz I didn’t write it down. Hehehe. I trust the process. This Life book however, (that’s what I call it personally) is a different species altogether. Rather similar to blog type wording, yet telling a specific story. Now that I’m caught up to now, it’s somewhat journalesque. Well, if the journal was intended for others to see that is. Cuz I’m definitely educating in it.
Summer is telling me not to use my word limit anymore. Let it flow she says. Or start another she says. Just keep writing….while everything is so raw. My life is raw right now. Raw, yet protected. Tonight I was smoking…which btw, is every few hours…or more!!! And I kept hearing rustling in the shrubs near me. Kept saying…what is that? Then finally was a hiss. I did a half scream, jumped up and ran. Haven’t been able to go down there or into Laurelsongs garden tonight…fear has found me again….well, the fear of hisses anyway. Time for bed, so time to do it one more last time before sleep. I’m simply going to the parking lot tonight. I told Summer tonight how safe I feel in my fancy rubber boots. I could go anywhere wearing these! She said I know Mama, I know they do. She understood. Well…these boots were made for walkin and they’re gonna walk on up the hill. Wow is it cold. I have two pairs of pants, a skirt, two shirts, one being long sleeved, and a sweater plus 2 mohair shawls. How cold could it be in July? 54 degrees according to google. WOwza. No wonder its lush like a tropical rain forest. Oh ya…not one firefly tonight. Ok…night night sweet peeps! Love you. 1:48am = 4 = Angels! Ahhh, the angels are here to help me sleep with this hurting chest. Bless you Angels. Night!
Okie dokie!!! That was obviously the other day before I got sick. Now, I simply lay around and simmer in pain. And I do mean simmer…it’s a fire burning inside me. I’ve done nothing. Just laid around sleeping on and off. Too much of that yesterday caused me to be up all night tossing and turning. My daughters goal this trip, was to break me from the addiction and cycle of beer and cigarettes. Well, good job dear. I may not be liking it so much but it’s a runaway freight train. Now she doesn’t even want me to smoke the cannabis. I smoke the cannabis. I’ve just made a trade with a gal for a massage tomorrow. A small painting. The pain is so intense that I feel I need around 5 massages a day. How does a person deal? I should know….I’ve dealt with chronic pain my whole life….and this one is equally severe or more so. Ya, more so. Very excited about the massage. Sweet sweet precious soul who will be doing it, really knows what she’s doing. So….no beer. It’s been 2 nights, or maybe 3…time is running wild on me. Yesterday and the day before, I lit my salem 100, took a puff and yuk, as expected. That’s what illness does. Keep proving it to yourself that its yukky and you’re good to quit. If that is you intention……just DON’T keep trying, like today, I’ll not even taste it. If I taste it too much after the illness….it will start to taste good again.
Speaking of taste….I haven’t really been able to eat the goodies(?) we bought. I want popcorn. Need a better air popper at the house I guess cuz I feel that will be a familiar treat. No, I’ve been doing nothing but drinking. Herbal tea after herbal tea, tincture after tincture. And the dang High Potency Vitamin C. Remember when I was talking about liver flushes? Well, one way to do part of that process, is you have to drink a bunch of salt water. OR……of all things…..high pot. Vit C. So ya……I did a cleanse during my illness without knowing it. You see, you take it, adding ¼ tsp each time till the cleansing comes…then you back off a tad and that is your doseage. They told me that part….just not that it was a cleanse. So….I lost every bit of water I had which wasn’t much. Thank goodness, I had a FB friend offer to do an energy healing…which he did. It’s similar to Reiki, but is based on Love. Ama Deus … If you wanna look it up. Amazonian healing. I can open my eyes some today therefore I can blog. I’m quite upset about the state and quality of the pain I now have. I mean, really????? REALLY????? An entire lifetime of pain wasn’t enough? Now this? I just wanna punch God in the belly or something. And ya, he forgives me for saying that. But ya…I’m angry. Ok folks…horrible place to end it but it is what it is. I’m tired. I hope you all are pain free!!! Ps….there wasn’t a single firefly the night I got sick. They’re back now. Yay. Ok…signing off at Anahata, where the kind people breathe deep and loving. Later! Ps…..They tell me my Ghandi has crossed the Rainbow Bridge. He didn’t want to leave is my guess. Love you my beautiful beautiful boy. Pss….this trip was necessary, so I still thank those who helped get us here AND….my daughter is so generous of herself. I’m very grateful.








8 thoughts on “Pain, pain and more pain….and fireflies!!!

  1. Wow, the illness is so plain on your face, especially compared to the previous self-portrait where you looked so very happy. I’m so glad you are on the mend….

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