I am in awe…not at what most people would be awestruck with right now. Right now, it’s not the fresh brand new appealingly different beauty my eyes are presented with here in the magical haven. Nor is it the sounds of the waterfall or the smell and sight of all my herb friends. It is also…NOT the meeting of the sweetest most gentle souls on the planet either. No. My awe comes from God. When I first woke, and saw the view from my bed, without even lifting up…at first I smiled. Then the world crashed down on me. I am not fit for these people. I am dirty. My clothes are dirty. My blanket smells of cigarette smoke….my clothes, ME. I was feeling so different and so…I wanna get outta here even though it’s so wondrous. Next, I didn’t feel comfortable in the kitchen so I stayed drinkless for about 2 hours. While I was sitting in the glorious skychair…(liken to a visa priceless commercial)looking at the huge clumps of comfrey and blueberries ripe on the bush. I had that thought again. I don’t think I can handle it here. When I thought of Amma and the present moment. In this present moment….I am looking at pure beauty. In this moment, there is no fear, no need, no desire, no freaking, nothing but peace. In this moment. I finally finally get it. I knew it but I didn’t heart know it and until we heart know it…we just think we know it. I have been awake 3 hours and have not had a cigarette. A miracle. A blessing. Oh ya…I also energetically cut the cords to the salem 100’s, that I no longer need them…did that 2 days ago. Summer didn’t hear the owls hooting last night…musta been for me. While outside alone last night, I said hello and one hooted. I then said hello fireflies and yes!!! In my mind, mind you. In the flesh the firefly appeared and the owl hooted.
This is a community place. It all started with Luke and Laurelsong, the artist. Laurelsong has recently passed and all of her breathtaking art remains to touch the soul. It is all over this house. Musical instruments are everywhere, art is everywhere, Spirit is everywhere here. In a few minutes, I get to go pick blueberries. Yummy!!! Amma is helping me from wherever she is. A satguru can do that. I feel it. I just now thought…well, it’s been over three hours, maybe its ok to have a cigarette. Then I hear……in my mind, but you already know what it will taste like after this long, what it will smell like and you don’t even want it.
Picked a bucket of blueberries in the sun, then went to the river for some to swim. Now it’s community meeting time and they are apparently deciding if we have to pay to stay. Hmmm. The cozy feeling is not as cozy, but this place is beautiful. It is 4:30 pm and I have not had a cigarette. My choice. Yesterday as we were driving, I was reading out of one of the Amma books and I chose to read what she had to say about what happens at death. Well…..I wasn’t prepared for her answer and neither Summer and I are able to feel at ease with it. I/we will have to ask questions. Scared now and I wasn’t. Need resolution. Also, there’s the dang food issue. I swear. I can mentally go down the aisles of the grocery and….nothing. I see no point to go, there’s nothing there for me. Will I eat beets forever? And sweet potatoes? If so….. It’s one of the main things in life I’m sad about now. Food. When you can’t have it…..depression sinks in. At least it gives me perspective on the truly starving people of the world. I am hungry. It makes me sad. Now I’ve gone and worked myself up. Remember, I paid for a meal yesterday I couldn’t really eat, so….that means I haven’t really eaten since Saturday…and I’ve wasted so much money trying. Wouldn’t it be nice to just chuck it and say….she’s sick…feed her soup. Well, not so darn easy. Alot of soups hurt me. Last nights did. Enough about the food….I’m still waiting for the meeting results. My daughter had her say, but it hurts my heart for her. She considers these people family. Family now wants her to pay to be here. Be nice if they’d mentioned it BEFORE we came. 5 o’clock. Starting to want a cigarette maybe. Maybe not, dunno. My mood has been spoiled. Luckily I have a mantra I can say so I don’t have to have my mind on…..what if, oh no, are you kidding…type stuff. Yay mantra!!! I also am thirsty. I’ve only had a few sips of nasty tea this morning…the cooler ice melted and the creamer no good. Same for my juice. Amma…..soon. OH ya…..GEORGE is coming!!!! To Amma!!! Should be interesting. :=))) SHE, George, is a flower of a different color! Love her. I’m glad we arrived a bit early so I can sleep some before Amma, already know there is no sleep there….and no sleep really on the trip…so….and oh man, the liver back pain was so intense last night we couldn’t arrive soon enough. So….amidst the beauty, the adventure, the sweetness, the joys, the awes…..life is still life. Not all is pleasant. I am learning so fast!!! Spins my brain to learn this fast. Yay!!! IN a hurry ye know!!! Gotta get this all figured out before I die!!!! Don’t you all realize that??? That’s why I’m headed to Amma before I even try to raise money for my liver meds. Summer has faith that we will. I wish I did. No sales at the gallery. Ok ok…I’m so depressing myself. Signing off from this beautiful herbalicious treealicious firefly haven….near Floyd, Virginia. DC in the morning. ❤