I told someone today that I was here in Dallas to get a hug from the Mother Guru, Amma. My words were scoffed at. I remember when I was her. When I was so lost, so alone, so asleep, so caught up in the worldly pursuits….oh you know…..how can I make my hair prettier, or what clothes can I buy to look sexier or more elegant. All designed….to be seen. See me. SEE ME!!! Today, I learned a lesson. Up until I arrived, for days in advance, I tried to imagine what I would have on my mind while in Amma’s presence. Should it be……I’m dying, please heal me? I’m dying, should I go or stay? Will you help me get to the ayahuasca and the iboga? Will you fix me so I want to stay? Heal the cause and core of my illness and my MIND, so I want to stay and so I can thrive? I need a mothers love, will you love me? Amma, see me? Amma See ME!!! Yes, all of these and many many more sentiments have been floating between my ears for days now…weeks even. As you all know……..I seek Enlightenment. It’s a very big word. Funny how once you receive it, you reaeyes how small, how tiny, how seemingly insignificant it might be. Well, as I was sitting there enjoying what is called the Program, first talking, then music and singing. Amma singing. There are 3 large tv monitors up front and during the singing, they displayed the words to the songs. I read the words. Song after song, I began to put two and two together. Desire. Apparently, our job as humans….is to lose…DESIRE. Wow. Why didn’t they tell me that in kindergarten? (dejavu…….i just said this a week or so ago about the Liver!!!) Lose desire. Wow. Wow oh wow. Hmm, now if that doesn’t put a new perspective on things. I looked at Summer and said….America is messed up. These people all know why they’re here on the planet. They have obviously known their whole lives. They understand. They understand the past…the ancient past and they teach it to their children…see, like I was saying I wished America had tribes. So no one is alone and to teach the young ones and to be around the old ones…instead of daycares and nursing homes. So. No desire. I then shifted my thinking. I was no longer asking Amma for anything. Not even to See Me. I chanted to myself, no expectations, no desires. Over and over. When it was time for my hug…long narrative if you want how it all happens…..the closer I got, the more emotional I got. They move you from seat to seat…closer, closer, closer….then the last seat. In front of Amma. Then…then pull you down to kneel and they urge you to scoot forward on your knees, closer to Amma. Then Amma leans over…I had already handed over my tiny elephant playing in water painting, and she pulls me in. I was in the wrong position, facing forward and she rearranged me. Put me on her bosom, like a mama would her babe. I couldn’t contain the crying heaves. She hugged me and she hugged me and she hugged me and she hugged me. Then as they pulled me away, she looked at me. She smiled and handed me an apple. Both of those things are not average. Then….if you choose you can sit near her a few more minutes and that too is done by moving you forward one chair at a time. When I got to the row one away…which is as close as I got, I watched her give the darshan. The hugs. I watched the women tending her. I saw the heating pad being continually pulled along her back. The water being sipped after each hug. The spittle cup for nasty energy. I empathized with her. Hour upon hour, sometimes into the 20’s worth of hours……she hugs. Until nobody is left to need a hug. This is no ordinary hug. It is a sincere to the bone…Mother holding you to her breast to comfort you. Then….she turned….and she smiled at me!!! Ha!!!! She saw me. She saw me twice, three times…she hugged me long, gave me a rare apple, smiled twice, looked at me twice…all of these things are rare. No desire. There is fruit in that.
(hehehe……indeed, I think I shall plant the seeds of my apple…..after I ingest the Divine. Lol….I love life today. I don’t always, but today….as without hope as I feel, it is a good day to live. Tomorrow is different. There was no line today as there weren’t tons of people, but tomorrow there will be cuz they are all coming for the fun part. The celebration part. Sometime tomorrow I will get my own mantra and I will get one more hug and I will give her one more gift. An Ernie feather. Sacred to some cultures. Peacock that is…. :=) No desire. This will help with the food thing. Although there is an issue. I’m losing weight. Not getting to eat food I want, has had me eating so very little and I’m down 2 more pounds, to 94. Uggggh!!!! Amma appears to already be at work in my life but I’ll keep it on the down low till it too fruits. Releasing energy before its time, I’ve learned is detrimental to the success of that energy.
My son told me today he didn’t want me to live if I had to suffer. Yes, he wants me around, but he said he has learned enough from me, that I taught him well and he thinks he’s learned enough to make it in this life. A very very awesome gesture. Gosh I love that boy. He also told me that I am enlightened enough and I’m good. Heheheeeeee. He is with a highschool friend tonight but has said he wants a hug tomorrow. Summer, has been awesome too. Barely leaving my side. Both of my babies rubbed my back for a moment today. Isn’t that so sweet??? Ya, the fire in my back is intense today what with the driving….yikes…on I-35!!!!! Made Summer drive the last tiny leg thru the hinky scary road part that = Dallas. She is down sucking in the very last drop of nectar from the gods right now. Ya….she’s watching the last of the hugs and the goodnight Amma. My beautiful girl. Well, I guess that’s it then. I’ll post this when I have wifi. Goodnight sweet friends of mine! 2:47am = 4 = Angels.