The illusion of control. We really think we have it. We really think we can control everything around us, but in all actuality, we have none. We forget to account for the free will of others around us….and we forget to account for the universal mystery tour. The tour with bends and curves and steep hills and rocky ledges and even parts where it goes underwater and you need a snorkel to get through it. This tour will whip you around, give you whiplash and then plunk you down in a new territory of life and it expects you to rise. Rise and make lemonade from lemons. And sometimes, it gives you lemonade….and you’re not prepared for it, so you spill it and all that is left are some seeds at the bottom of the glass. But seeds grow and maybe that was your destiny all along…to become a gardener. A tender of seeds. But while you are experiencing loss of control…which you never had but it sure felt like it….but when it’s gone…..breathe. Just breathe. Life will give you what you need, be it stress or joy…but around the corner….it all makes sense.
So, there’s a bend up ahead and I will get to see the whys of what’s happening now. Wish I could see into the future. Amasa has announced that she is leaving. When we leave to go to Amma…she will leave and will continue to follow Amma for the next 2 weeks of her America tour. Caught me so offguard. I thought she was staying. This is her free will and I can’t interfere. It does sadden my heart though. She may come back….we shall see what route she chooses which will most likely determine if she returns or not. I think we chased her away. Stupid things were talked about that really hold no water yet discussed they were and I wonder if that’s why she’s leaving. It was about the Rv…that hubby rather claims it…..that is where she is staying. It’s not an issue though so not sure why it was brought up. Ugggh. I gotta get over it.
I’ve sent in the bio’s for Summer and I, to the gallery. I also wrote the Hoegger blog today, and I wrote to the Iboga people asking for a scholarship or a miracle. It’s a loose end kinda day. Oh ya…also filled out that zero’d out tax form AGAIN, since they sent me more paperwork. Haven’t sold anything this year….so its zero. Gosh, I’m down again. Such a rollercoaster ride. Oh….and the family adventure to see Amma…just got another person. Long story that I won’t go into. The girls are cleaning the kitchen and it gives me no joy. Amasa is leaving and Summer then deals with all this herself. My foxes have just dwindled to one. They made me cream of mushroom soup last night. Hmmmm. Well, they created a healthy version of such anyway….and surprise surprise…I didn’t like it. All I tasted was the cauliflower and none of the mushrooms. If I could eat prana, it wouldn’t matter. If I ate the sun on a daily basis, it wouldn’t matter. I wouldn’t need food anymore. But I don’t…..and I do need food. Today however…..I just don’t give a darn. Last night I tried the sleepy tea. I had 3 beers instead of 4…and drank the tea. It made me F****’d up. BUT, it did not help me sleep. Nope. Could be due to the beer, I dunno, but I was awake alllllll night.
Before my illness, my stomach never growled. Never! Now it’s a rumble I hear all day and all night long. I just don’t know. This is all very hard. Right now, just wanna stick my head in the sand and leave it there. Just wiggle my feet every now and then to tell ya I’m still kickin. I hate it when I’m depressed. I hate depressing blogs. I hate that I am writing depressing blogs sometimes, but on the other hand…it’s like poison to me….these things kept inside, festering. I just gotta remember that I’m on the ride and it may be in downhill position, but it always goes back up and eventually levels out….ha…ya, when the ride is over!!!
Something that has been riding around in my brain awhile and especially after the phone reading….do I want to be here? Do I? Really? How do I feel? Have I given everything I have to offer and can just continue my life as it is….with a sped up end date? Or do I want to stay a long time and want to be healed so that I can continue the enlightenment journey and be here for my kids and hubby and the animals and the art. Truly….it needs pondering. Before I go having someone set up a fundraiser to heal me….I need to know if I wanna be healed. Maybe the Amma thing will enlighten me. Hehehe. I dunno. And just so you’ll know….there is a lot more to all this than I let on. There are issues with Summers being here that are hurting her…and with Jesse…and hubby……and me. Issues. Lots of issues. Just a lot man. So many things that if I say them out loud….it could hurt, so I just say some. Think I need to go sit with my goats awhile.
Didn’t help much. But hey….we can’t always have great days. If we did, this would be called…Happy LIFE…instead of….LIFE. Ha…just thought of a good anagram….L.I.F.E. Living in full ecstasy. No, not sex…..joy! Passion. Love. Bring love into as many moments as you can, even the bad ones cuz they will help you through. The gallery opens tomorrow night. My nerves are raw concerning this. I have such high hopes. Ps, Grace, if you’re reading this…I want to thank you for seeing something in me and in my art. I’m so very grateful for all you’ve done and are doing. You have so much heart that I know your gallery will be a huge success. Blessings. I’ll be at Amma then, so I won’t even know how its going. Maybe Amma will heal me and this whole topic will be nill. I may or may not be blogging from there. Probably a lil somethin…..but don’t be expecting goat photos cuz I’ll be in Dallas. Maybe I’ll try to save one or two or even take a few more tonight for ya. We’ll see….cuz I really don’t have any control. Seems to all be God. Ok….blessings to you all!!!! Love you! Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch.