searching for HOPE….

I struggled today. After receiving the cost from the Iboga people and it being almost twice what I expected….then…top it off and I’m explaining the herbs and naturopath to hubby and he tells me there is no money. That I’ve been using the credit cards too much. If you knew the story of US…you would know that I have a completely different take on things. On the finances. On the way money is spent here and has been spent here for 13 years. Poor Cathy knows half a head full!!! So…..that was depressing. Oh wait…earlier, I saw a dead hawk on the side of the road. I stopped and was gonna honor it, but it was too far gone. I wondered if that was a sign. Then….top it off, the lady who was gonna make payments on the totem painting decided not to. Maybe she didn’t like it so well, I dunno. I loved it. That was just icing on the cake man. And I do love me some cake but…not today. While talking of things not so happy….need to try to balance it out. And I can. My new/old friend Cameron called me again today. When I was feelin low. He was thinkin of me and had some more things to share with me to aid in my journey. He’ll call when they get back on the road. People are so kind. So loving! I’m feeling it.

Someone suggested a fundraiser and then someone else said…can we start one for you? Oh my gosh. There are people who just shine! And another who offered to help spread the word about my paintings to help out! I’m overwhelmed at the love available out there! Yes, lots of exclamation points! My pinky is getting a workout! My Summer Girl had planned on doing a fundraiser but has been so busy either helping me or researching or making phone calls. She’s also trying to get a website up real quick. We need to take better photos…that’s the hangup there. We are racking our brains trying to find a way to make enough money to do this. What a shame it’s illegal here, therefore the cost is so high. We were figuring 4 grand each but that apparently is on the low end and when I got the email, it said I required 3 doses!!! Based on my questionnaire which was extremely thorough. It’s usually 2 doses. Oh goodness me oh my! 3 doses!!! Am I brave enough? Yes, I gotta be. How funny that I was learning about it before I even knew I needed it. Well, not really funny…about par for the course in my life…spirit lives and breathes here! Seriously…go back in time on my blogs if you don’t believe me. I was telling you as I learned about each medicine. I told of chocolate too! I called them Grandmother, Grandfather, Mother, oh and I just learned that Father…or one of the Fathers…is not a plant…but is Jaguar!!! Hehehe….my new totem who came to me and presented himself. Not only presented himself, but said he would always be with me. Jaguar lives in the Amazon. My fairy book is about the Amazon. It is all tied up together somehow and meant to be. Costa Rica. Close. Google says no, but apparently people question it. Hahaha! IN the end it doesn’t matter a whit…cuz the Iboga is African!!!

I’m up very late. It’s 5:23. Hubby just woke up and is texting me cuz I texted him to say sorry and not mean to expect him to pay it all. So now we are having a conversation and he had a good idea. We recently paid $50 to join the local art guild. I can hang 2 paintings there. He suggested the totem that has no home…as an example of what can be done. Yay hubby…great idea! Hmmmm….think I’m finally getting sleepy. Didn’t finish working on the baby elephant till 4am. The painting is not finished…but is so very close. I just got tired. Ok…night night sweet ones. 5:28am = 6 = Earth…Mother. Love.

So…we have out get the website or etsy shop boots on today. Waiting for the right hour to take photos, then the arduous uploading of such. One of those things that I have to use multiple steps that others don’t…which makes it time consuming…but hey. I gotta do it. Trying to hurry and finish the elephant so my foam is freed up to start on another. There has been an offer to buy the unwanted totem painting, but I’m suggesting she just let me make her one up of her true totems. I’ll find a use for the other. In fact, hubby may have already. As a display to show the totem painting idea, to garner orders. While I’m going through this…it is so in my face that there are still so many people in my boat. So many people creating art and creating art and stashing it in their closet or under the bed….but never putting it out there. I was one of those. Now though, with this new art…I feel compelled to at least show it. I can’t seem to push it, as in sell it, but I can usually at least allow it to be seen. Artists are so hard on themselves. I tried to help these people once. Made a FB page…With these Hands………….for just such…to display your closet work. It didn’t really take off…maybe it needed ads but they are expensive. But still! I feel the call. I also thought about opening a gallery for said closet artists. Come on…lets put our heads together and find a way to help. So much talent….hiding.

I’m feeling more hopeful today. It’s a wishy washy thing. A rollercoaster ride. Some days I’m up and others I’m thinking…oh man, what’s the use, I may as well just let go. I struggle with that. Sometimes it feels like it’s too much to expect. Ha…how ironic. I wanted…needed that feltloom for 15 grand so bad. After 3 years of wanting it…I finally decided I could get the cheaper table model instead for only 5 grand. Ha. No table loom. And now look. Once again, I need at least 15 grand. And that’s not even airfare or incidentals. So. Since I’ve been seeking 15 grand for 3 years…what makes me think this time…I’ll get that amount??? That’s when I feel hopeless. The empty space in my room where the feltloom doesn’t sit….reminds me everyday. Is there hope? Surely. Sorry that this is mostly what I talk about these days. I do that periodically, apologize for where my life is and for talking about one thing endlessly. Just the way it is…the brain goes where the heart is sitting. Guess there’s no goat talk today. They are wet cuz it rained last night so no shearing. Haven’t even been out to hug any yet today. Ok….let ya know the progress as it goes…lol. Here’s to HOPE! Have a fantabulous weekend!!! Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch! Ps…..Don’t think I don’t see the irony….wanting to die for 38 years….and now fighting to live!!! YeeHaw!!! God is funny!

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