a big ole Hmmmmmmmmm….

Thanks to some wisdom sent my way, and I already kinda knew this…but a chord was struck…..I’m finding peace. I was upset that I carried two mindsets. The….i’m gonna be cured mindset and the I’m dying mindset. I now understand that they both are important. They both have a place in my heart. Both are indeed happening. We are all dying….from the day we are born. I will die when it’s my time and not before. I will do both. I will live as if both are true. I shall live as if I’m dying, and also live as if I will be healed/cured soon. Kinda tricky but hey…..I been around some. As my friend said…..if I try to live with dignity….then I also want to die with dignity. He also shared some about the ayahuasca that was a huge help. He said during…..when you see things that are scary….they are an aspect of you and if you resist….you will feel sick. If you go into the fear, you will discover its hold, its meaning and its purpose. He also said that I may get to experience dying during the ceremony…to experience what comes next. TO understand energy and where it comes from and where it goes. Yes people this is enlightenment and I seek it. I have been seeking it for 14 years. Tiny steps have begun. Yay. Many more tiny steps coming up.

I’m so happy with my conversation with Cameron. I don’t think the world is gonna come crashing down if I say his name….he helped me in many ways today. The main thing being…living both ways. I told Summer about it, even though she read the blog, and then I told her….let’s see. If I’m gonna live like I’m dying…I love fires. Campfire type fires with talking, star gazing and possibly music…guitars and singing. More of that. I want more of that. Also, I had so much fun tonight painting that baby elephant. It’s hard. Really hard. Like I thought it might be….but I think I can do it. I really do. The whole last part done tonight was done one piece at a time….away from me…..jump up and poke a fiber in….run back to the bed. Repeat a gazillion times and you’ll see me as a jumping bean. That’s what it required. One stroke at a time……from a distance. I’m not even apprehensive about the water aspect. It is a waterfall after all.

Tonight Summer wanted me to be confidant then….if that is my new thing…I’m dying and I’m living….then I need a new outlook. I am an Amazing Artist! That’s what she had me chanting over and over. It’s too funny…like lemon to my lips….sour…unfamiliar….yet pleasant. If I were anyone else but me….I’d probably admire me. Spiritually aware, an artist, a writer, very loving, loves animals…tons of wisdom to share. Ya…my kinda girl! Need to friend her on FaceBook! Haha…..I’m too funny. 6 feet away from me is the beginnings…remember Sheri, you just started the painting tonight….the beginnings….of the cutest lil elephant. It’s as if he is laughing!!! He’s having so much fun in the water that he’s laughing. I can see him. I can see the joy on his face, yet he’s not done. Not even close. Yet he lives. I love giving life. I always thought it would be children, but I lost 10 and delivered 2…..then there were the goats….how many am I mama to? 50 or so. But now…..I create and birth animals….they live because of me. The exist….because of me. They are my babies. How bout you? You got any babies? Night night sweetie peteys. Love you. Yin yang, life death, beauty, ugly, hard, soft……..grace and ease people, grace and ease. Night night. 3:31am = 7 = HOLY!!!

Oh gee. Well, I finally pulled that shearing bag out and off we went. Doc was first and he has the mites. Here’s the deal. Didn’t wanna fess up about this and I mighta hinted. When I “cured” those 2 mite goats, Einstein and Darwin….well, turns out they weren’t cured. Nope…just not presenting. I had moved them in with my boys. So….when I began shearing the boys this spring….and sheared the dying goat accidentally…not knowing he was dying….I realized that those 2 boys mites were back. They died with the one I sheared….from worms. In the meantime though….they contaminated my buck pen. This is one of the reasons I have not been into shearing now….I didn’t wanna know the answer. But I can’t keep my head in the sand forever, so……Opti was next. He has a tiny patch. Damn. We also got one of the Pyr pups partially sheared and my extra large boy who had fever from worms but lived…was shedding and he’s so big we can’t put him in stanchion so we just sheared him with scissors where he stood. After awhile he got restless and Jesse had to hold him. Got it all off though. And, Angel was partially sheared. So…2 1/3 goats and 1/3 pup. And the stickerburrs!!!! Yikes! Good thing I’m keeping these fleeces and no one else…ouch! And ya…most of it is felty but some may be useable.

Well…the lil elephant is getting there. Cathy thought it was a rabbit so maybe not, eh? LOL…..its still in such beginner stage. Summer was telling me…his foot is too big and that color over there….I had to stop her and remind her I just began the darn thing! Just a few hours ago and ya….gonna take me a bit. It will come together, I’m confidant. Money issues are ever present. Hubby told me to quit using a certain credit card. Can’t. Need it to buy the meds when Summer goes to Austin and to pay for the naturopath phone call. Also…heard back about Iboga. $7500 each!!! Hmmmmmm. Not counting airfare. Hmmmmm. Where there is a will……there is a way. I’m not panicking. Or maybe I am. Not sure yet. Still just trying to breathe it all in and figure it out. Little discouraged now. Ah well….it is what it is. We shall see. Okie dok. It’s that time folks. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch.

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