I have one friend who freaks out if I say anything negative, but honey….I really wanna chart my emotions as I go through this weird strange beautiful scary frustrating hopeless hopeful thing I’m going through. It’s a blessing and a curse to know what I now know. On the other hand….that means it’s perfectly balanced, eh????? Gotta find the light in the dark…the humor in the ugly and the meaningful in the meaningless. Knowing….changes everything. EVERYTHING WITH A CAPITAL E!!!!!!!! That was 8 exclamation points to represent infinity. I now feel really old. Really old, really frail….oh, really old. My daughter massaged medicine oil into my back tonight and it reminded me of all the hundreds of movies I’ve seen over the decades….of the daughter, caring for her ailing old mother. Goodness. I felt so thin, like paper. A few weeks ago…before I knew…..I was just fine. Sure, I was weak, no energy, exhausted…like I am now….but then…I was fine. The knowing sorta zaps the life right outta you. Almost as if to fulfill the diagnosis.
My baby is studying as fast as she can about every aspect of this illness, and we are storing this knowledge up….and time is just going by. I don’t know how this will all get done. So many herbs to take…haven’t ordered any yet. Shouldn’t have bought that fiber today, which some of you don’t know about, but I needed it. I really needed it, for my soul. See…this is how bad it is to know…..earlier, I found myself picturing myself in extreme agony….and still leaning over and poking the needle into the fiber. See….the mind, if it goes there too much…it creates it. I’m concerned about this aspect of my nowness. But seriously…how do you NOT think about it? How is it NOT a shadow over your brain, your every thought.
Nobody can get inside my brain, but if you were to take a peek, you would see fear. Fear and love. It’s a mixed emotion thing. Also, to be honest, is the factor of…do I really wanna stay here in this screwed up world? In this world of mOnsanto where a company is allowed to poison the world under the guise of growing crops where crops can’t be grown…don’t get me started, that’s just in underdeveloped countries. IN a world where you can blend the DNA of a fish with the DNA of a goat, for example….just to friggin see what would happen. Or…a world where they kill off the indigenous, or suppress them so drastically, that they keep their healing methods hidden, out of sight….so the masses can rest comfortably knowing their Insurance works and their Doctor will heal them. Ya right. Why???? Why would they heal you? Will you come back to them if you are healed??? That’s the western medicine mentality and I want nothing to do with it. Haven’t for a long time. Why am I defending myself and my choice? Cost? Probably. Fear? Probably. Emotions are raw, what can I say. And now I say night night, even though this is added material and I have already written more. I wanna change it up and say night night now. Here. I’m allowed. 3:08am = 11 = Master Number!!! Yay…night!!!
There is however a REALLY really cool thing I get to experience right now. That my friends, is being witness to all the tiny little things that happen when you’re making this particular art….that ONLY a person also making this particular kind of art can possible know. The little things. The sounds. The looks on the face and the sound…when you have to rip something up…it’s the same sound…both people….same face. These moments are actually aplenty! We giggle alot. Or when we go too big for the space! Hehehe. Always!!!! Well, no…in actuality…I am getting so much better. Ahhhhh……and she’s just told me….I asked…..in what position are you having Eagle in? She showed me the photo she would go by…it is coming straight at you!!!!!! Wowza…hard. Haha…but she also, just an hour ago, reminded me of when I was afraid of doing hummingbird. Y’all haven’t seen. I can do friggin hummingbird now. LOl…Love ya hummer!!!! Just felt like sayin Friggin. Or…beja flor….flower kisser! Beja flor. Remember that one Sheri. Haha…Summer gets a real kick….apparently I say Sheri a lot. What are you doing Sheri? Sheri, stop that! Hehehe.
Today hasn’t been the best of days. It’s a no hope day. It’s like, on a list…..number 10 needs done before No 4….and number 3 can’t be done until after no, 12…etc. Like a circle that needs to be cut open to make a straight road. Like…how can I gain weight if I have to eat stuff I don’t like? Or how do I gain weight if every food I eat makes me feel so bad. The costs are freaking me out. If the paintings don’t sell at the gallery……well, lets just pack my bags and get my life in order. I’ve been having lots of hot flashes. Menopause was years ago lasting only 6 months…cuz I willed it so. So, I researched hot flashes and liver disease. Great. Huge connection. Went to the grocery store and didn’t know how to buy different foods. I don’t know what to cook anymore. I don’t know. I don’t know how to do this. I bought all the same ole foods. Even a smoothie is heavy on me and I didn’t even realize it before cuz I tolerate stuff and rarely pay attention to pains or discomforts. I wonder what food there is that wouldn’t make me feel like I just ate an entire hog. BTW…..ask anyone in my family, they will tell you in a restaurant, I order a meal….and when it’s all over and done….it looks like I haven’t even eaten. Ha…wonderful topic. Gotta figure out how to juggle my thoughts with you guys too. Can’t have it all hopeless stuff….gotta even it out….balance. Y’all don’t need that any more than I do. I was too tired to paint last night and too much back pain from the trip….so I shall paint tonight. I need to get a move on. Lots more to paint. Something to leave behind. Ya…I’m kinda dismal today. But hey!!! I got new fibers!!!! Yay and YeeHaw! Signing off at the ranch.