hmmm, do i need a Bucketlist?

My daughter told me my weight was scaring her and she was wondering if maybe I was in the process of dying. It’s funny. The idea is appealing. If someone, the Doc….were to tell me I was indeed dying….then that would change things. I would indeed then go to Peru…..to get the healing…the personal one on one Curandero healing….with the ayahuasca and the icaros. The icaros are the songs….songs sung for the universe or sung for the individual…to heal the individual. I would not go down easily. How odd…coming from the one who wanted to die for 38 years. No…I would fight it. But not with Western medicine. No way. No heart there. No…I would go to the Peruvians. The ones who know. Also…the idea that I might be dying…kinda gives you the idea of…what should I do? What do I want to do…if I’m dying. No…I have no idea if I am or not….will go have blood tests this week, but point is…..if I was….what would be my last wishes. My bucketlist. My wants before I go. And it occurred to me….what a wonderful way to live. As if you are dying!!!!! As if someone told you you only have months to live. LIVE!!! You would want to LIVE during those months! You would want to do it all. So…we should live as if we are dying.

I would still however…haha…want to go to Costa Rica! I think. Lol. I watch utube video after video and the problem is…their experience with drinking Grandmother is totally different than mine will be…so there is nothing more really I can watch. Now it’s just a waiting. A many month waiting. Shoot…..as long as a gestation period! The creation of a new baby! Will I be recreated before I even get there? I have loved the jungle or the idea of the jungle mhy whole life. To think that I might actually be going there! Holy Toledo! I wrote my fairy story about the jungle and special medicinal plants….this is spirit. SPIRIT, I say! Also…if it were true that I was dying…then I would want to finish things out. Finish out my studies. My spiritual journey. That will only be complete now…with the ayahuasca. Period. Peruvian or Costa Rican…or even Austin…if no other way. I shall meet the wise lady…and let her teach me what she wants to teach me. The plant folks…the plant. Actually….the plant….is two plants. Each growing on the opposite sides of the jungle. They say….that the plants taught them…told them to get them and combine them and how to boil it and all that. The whole idea of me going to either place…is a fairy tale. Why not live the fairytales? What other life is there????? We only have this one. Night night…….2:29am = 4 = ANGELS!!!!! Love you angels!!! Night night sweet people who share my world!!! Love ya.

We plan to go to Austin tomorrow to a fiber art museum. Probably shoulda just gone for labwork instead cuz this idea is on me like glue. Hmmm. No sense going there though when it’s just a guess. Could be something as simple as the thyroid. But since I was so so tired….I finally was able to go to bed early. 3am!!!! Yay!!! 9 solid hours of sleep! Been nearly 2months since I did that. I feel better. And, I had a bit of salad for lunch. Trying to eat at least something for lunch these days. I usually don’t. Summer is trying her best to learn the goats! She knows it’s important to me that someone other than me….know who they are. Jesse knows most. There are 3 that give Summer fits….Valey, Lila and Pearl. For me….they are nothing alike, but I can see where they could look similar. Of the 3, Valey would win in a contest or goat show….she has this regal stance, perfect horns and a beautiful face. Don’t expect to pet her though. Lila is looking healthy and more like her twin Lily everyday…shame Lily is no longer here to see! Put a mineral block in yesterday and it’s nearly gone already. May switch to the generic livestock block though(instead of goat)…..cuz it’s high in zinc…instead of the wheat germ…which is indeed working. My brain is not functioning properly these days. I returned goat wormer for the cow version instead of sheep….came home with…..DeLicer!!!!! Ya. Not good. Screwing up dinner often too. We shall see whats causing all this.

Ok….I am still working on that owl. It went all downhill for me when I realized I couldn’t decorate it in the normal fashion. It’s a different owl and I just automatically started building for a generic owl…once I had the shape and face in. Oops!!! Ya…lotta redoing….but it’s finally getting a bit better in my eyes. The kids love it. I’m finding it harder and harder these days to love them when they are done. Not sure why. They want me to add more color to it since all the detail work mostly covered it up…..and I’ve thrown a tiny bit in…and up close it looks very colorful but when you set it away…you can’t really see it. Gonna be hard to find a balance I’m happy with. Feel the need to show I can still make pretty paintings….but it just won’t finish!!! Not sure why my art esteem is once again in the toilet. Kinda like a boomerang….keeps coming back. I shouldn’t need to show anyone. Ha….and to help my esteem just got a tiny boost….Summer just showed me a tiny painting and I knew to tell her that she needed a hint of a second wing….since the body of the hummingbird was just so……..that it required the hint of a second wing. See…I at least knew that!!!!! Made me feel like I knew something, lol. Ya…I’m sorta in the pits…but not all the way….just hovering. There…hint of wing installed and much better!!! AND….executive decision made…..bloodwork tomorrow…to find out sooner…and Austin on Tuesday. Ya….feels better already! Just wanna know. Ok my good peeps!!! It’s that time! Lovin you!!! Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch. Ps….Cudandero…..means Shaman…..jungle shaman. Ok.

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