After a 52 year old forever lifetime…..of wanting to die for the first 38, and the now of the now….which has been holding hands with the past….finding kinship in my old depression….and LIVING. Well….I have come to the conclusion that Happiness is….ELUSIVE. It is not a permanent state…regardless of circumstances. I may think that cuz I have my beautiful awesome goats, and I have my new art, and I have my 2 kids healthy and fairly happy, and I get to spend time with some of the most exquisite animal soul beings……that happiness is here…just here. Cuz of all I have. All I am blessed with. But I do believe, that it was never meant to be so. Never meant to be a permanent thing. If it was….why would we strive? Why would we seek? Why would we try, and try harder??? Happiness my friends…comes in spurts. Tiny little spurts. Kinda like the ketchup on the hotdog…or the nuzzle of a baby goat…you’re happy right that moment…but then LIFE happens. Arguments are had, sadnesses are aroused……death is experienced….sorrow is confused….happy at the end of suffering or sad at the loss of a friend. These things happen all the time, tiny spurts. Tiny spurts of good…of bad…of horrible…of unmerciless…of strength…of brilliance…of happiness. How often does anyone see…the Bluebird of Happiness? Just tiny spurts. But lovely, they are. Nourishing they are. Cherishable, they are. Even the tiny’s of tiny’s….like…..spellcheck telling me that cherishable is not a word. Fooey on you spellcheck. Cherishable….baby goats, me…lol……, baby humans, friends, fiber….BOY…I HATE that word. FIBER. ARRRGH. Yuk and yukky poo poo!!!! It degrades the beauty of my babies soft soft ringlet curls.
My life…is a play. Beautifully orchestrated. It makes me wonder if it’s true that I was the designer…before I came….to experience what was necessary for God…and for my evolution. All I know is…it’s fascinating. I remember when the minutes…the seconds of my life….were endless. So unbelievably endless. Moments took forever. Life was unbearable. Breathing was unbearable. Being alive was…unbearable. No matter how sleepy I was…for 38 years…and still to this day, although a few have snuck in…I refused to take naps. That would be like living twice in one day!!! NO WAY!!! No FRIGGIN way. A day. 24 hours. Is sooooo long. Or it was. Now…the time flies quite quickly and I find I don’t have enough. The difference of night and day….that is the difference of ME. So…when I say my old brain is acting up………I guess you can catch a clue. Goodness….I guess I had something to say…that came out really fast! AND, I’m watching a movie! When the heart wants to speak…the heart wants to speak. I listen. Life on the farm…is sometimes unbearable…and sometimes cherishable. Light and dark. And speaking of dark….it’s night night time for this Bonzo. 2:34…GO… lol. 2:34 am = 9 = endings! Hehe…!
That was last night. I was busy the whole entire day and was too exhausted to finish it and blog. Hubby came home from India, so we went to town…after feeding not one, but 2 babies. Turns out, Heaven is not producing enough milk for Zeus. So, then town, which included, Walmart, TSC, Jaliscos for lunch :=) and HEB for groceries, then…unload, feed babies, feed goats, water goats, hay goats, cook dinner, feed dogs and birds…clean litter boxes, feed and water them, more bottles….just me. I realize it sounds miniscule compared to what others of you have to do…but all I know is…I’m tired. Very tired. I never catch up on sleep. I just keep losing it. And doing and doing. And carrying 50 lb sacks, and moving hay…jeesh. Feeling sorry for myself. Oh ya…I just finished making up the veggie bags for hubby’s lunches for the week….and gathering up his lunch to boot. …and his breakfast. I’m gonna quit….QUIT taking the trash out….for gods sakes. Hehehe…..yup…tired, I am. Ok…night night….2:43am = 9 = endings.
Well, I woke up and took 2 bottles down…fed them, then OPENED the gates to the pens. Very slowly they came out. Some leaving their babies in the pens with a strict…STAY…and some taking theirs or one of theirs out into the pasture. Little ears were flying and babies were leaping in the air. A group of babies went round and round a tree, chasing each other and jumping up the tree trunk. It was a very disjointed herd….all spread out…moms next to other babies…and not minding. Just goats everywhere. I finally came inside to let them regroup. I’m in the dumps again. Great, eh??? Ya….not. Oh well. Sent 3 packages out last Monday….not a word from any recipients. Yay? Nay? Whatever. Ya…I’m in a Whatever mood.
Hey…I get a part in a little book called…Bird Words 6. The first 5 books all had a word that the writer had to write about. She sends you the pages…small, ready…..and you write your words by hand, then send it back and it goes in the book. This time, there are no guidelines. No words to write about. Writers choice. So….I already wrote them. I may zing them up a bit, but upon waking…still think they are the right words. I get 2 pages. Must be 2 different things…could be stories or poems…I suppose mine came out as stories. Fun. Pretty sure all the words will fit on the page when I get them…we’ll see…that’s part of the challenge. AND, no backup pages for mistakes. Nope…one shot…with Sharpies!
Well….can’t seem to pull myself outta the dumps and nothing is pressing on me to DO….so…I’ll go sit with the girls. Later. Interesting. It was naptime. Some were in the pens, some laying outside them with their little ones. Some still eating greenies, but mostly….napping. Zeus crawled in my lap and out he went. An hour later, I fed them, then ran to make bottles. Everyone is now fed. I’ve just stopped the Bigboys grains…plenty of hay in the fields…and soon last years baby boys will be joining them.
This weeks episode of Shear Madness was my favorite. I loved little Roanie…all the parts…the driving of the little car calling for his missing kitty, the sharing of the kitty with big brother, finding a new kitty and loving it too and of course…him wanting to take all the shelter animals home. Precious. The icky part of the mastitis…well, just plain icky. That would be a vet thing for me. Only had one case of mastitis though, so yay….years ago. THEN….the bee sting lamb. Oh my gosh. When she rushed it to the barn, then saw what it was…..ran for the meds. But when she got scared…so evident. Her voice went way high…and she said….oh…help me!!! Oh gosh…the tears flowed. My heart broke for her and that wee lamb. Now that my friends…was true emotion. Absolutely raw. And yay…the lamb survived!!! No, the missing kitty was never found. ! Ah gee. Only one more episode. One more for this season and they don’t know yet if there will be a season 2…I say there will. I’ll have to find something else to create fun in my life….no more tweeting, no more sharing….ah…back to the regular old regular. Not yet. One more week!!! Ok folks….Oh ya….I’ve made an executive decision here…and it’s not a pleasant one. Not one I want to speak of…just know….life is hard here for me right now. Rough. Real rough….but I do believe it’s the right decision. It has to do with health of my goats and the herd as a whole…and a nasty nasty bug that thrives on goats. Ok…enough said. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch.