The I that is the me….is so diverse that I get confused. While I have low self esteem, I also admire myself for my ability to deal and to be and to share. It’s like I’m many faced, like my painting.Which one is the real me? I think the answer is…they all are. Not individuals, like as in the split personality….but just many levels. I used to tell you it was a war….I don’t think so now. It’s just two things. Two aspects of me. The low down, unworthy, can’t do it…..vs the Look what I just made!, I’m so proud of me, High price tag on art….etc. So I don’t guess it’s a war at all…..or it doesn’t have to be. I’ve tried, in the past so many years while I journey….I’ve tried to allow my emotions…to let them come, feel them and feel them leave. Last night I read a different possibility. To not only allow….but to embrace and love. Embrace the sad sad feelings. Show them some love! How bout anger…..same thing! I never understood how I could have such conflicting feelings about myself…..this has been a productive depression. Ooooh, I just reread above after watching a movie for awhile and I saw the many faced part……my mind immediately thought. Many faceted. Like a diamond. I like that!
I’m actually very proud of the fact that I was able to rise from suicidal depression 14 years ago….so, this new dip scared me. I thought I had failed. Guess what? At what? Failed at what? At crying? At laughing? At loving? At caring? At smiling? At giving hope? On the other hand….there is the part that thinks it is the fear of success that is my true foe. When I heard myself back on Blogtalk radio….I thought, wow…I didn’t make any mistakes. I sounded like a professional human! Right after that is when I took the dive. Way bigger dive than the painting dive. Way deeper. Way further down in the black hole. However, I also rose so very quickly once I asked for help. I am, however, still analyzing. Still remembering. The feelings were so unbearably strong that they linger….and I analyze. That my friends, is the difference between wallowing in a depression and seeking an end to a depression. You see……Now that I’ve lived joy….I can no longer abide the depression. I no longer find solace in it. The light is what I seek now.
I’m so bummed that all my life people told me what was fake and what was real. Now I’m finding they were all real and the whitewash/brainwash is so successful that I, at this point…only TRY to believe in fairies. And unicorns…and and and. But all evidence is pointing that way…like I said, I’m bummed about it. Ok….gotta go to sleep soon. Night night folkie olkies!!! 3:27am = 3 = Trinity!!!
Ah man. 2 more goats sheared….whooped the crap outta me and Cathy. And I’m gonna tell you why. This is an issue I have with the breeding of angora goats. Thicker, longer, denser!!!! Gotta have it!!! Gotta make more more more. Longer longer longer. Denser. Denser. Denser!!! Longer curls…more coverage. Well….congratulations. You have succeeded. Now, an angora goat cannot have a baby without human intervention….removing the coat….or the baby will die. I sheared a goat yesterday and 2 today that were the same. So much hair. Too much hair. In every single nook and cranny that is on that skin. Not a shred of skin untouched by the massively growing curls Staple length has become a trigger word. Well………let me tell you, if no one else is…..this growing for curls and coverage…is selfish. It’s for us. How many babies die cuz the mom wasn’t shorn under there???? Today, I took a few photos for you. One is directly under where the udder should be. The other is the view from the back…also, where you should see the udder. Those who shear the sitdown method, like the pros…probably never even see these results. But when the goat is on a stand……getting to all those nooks and crannies can be so difficult. So….I’m here to say….for the goats sake…..can we say enough is enough? Before they have hair coming out their mouths???? Ha….my rant for the day.
So, Tika was the only one left in the pen with a coat…so Georgia decided to beat her up. Was vicious with her horns. Couldn’t wake Jesse and we were too tired to shear Tika, so we put Georgia in the other pen. Well………Pearl and Georgia are buddies. So, Pearl squeezed outta the pen. By putting her in with Georgia…it put my count all outta whack. Tried again to wake the boy and he yelled at me. So…called Cathy back and she helped me get Heaven and another moved over…I had already coaxed Maya. I want mama’s with their babies, in case assistance is needed. Course, once the babies come…sometimes the mom will then step away from it’s firstborn….like MIMI always does. As soon as Mimi has a new baby……she starts to ram and horn her elder children…to protect the new baby.
Donna is hanging out front by the bigboy gate. If she’d gone the other direction, she’d be near the girls. Oh well. Oh…..found her a buddy, unfortunately. One doe is not pregnant and has the damn mites. Ugggh. Hidden under all those curls. Put my hand in to feel for an udder and WHOA….not an udder. So….after Petunia gives birth, I’ll move Joy with Donna. I want Joy available for her daughter Petunia first. She might need her. So…that’s it right now. Deciding whether to go to town for groceries and feed tomorrow….not sure. Nobody is digging, no signs whatsoever, so I might. We’ll see tomorrow. Oh, and we might shear Tika sometime over the weekend cuz she’s the only one left and definitely has milk! Warm milk! It’s starting to get exciting here folks. The wait is almost over. Gonna plug in the flood lights tonight, hopefully move RV over weekend. Not sure I even feel like it this year though. I can hear them from my room. Dunno. Ok……have a great wweekend and I’ll see ya the next time I blog, which could be ….anytime. :=)) Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch. PS….OHHHHHH, one of my sweet friends told me how to do humane euthanasia. Starter fluid is like ether she said and you put it on cotton balls and hold to animals face to put them to sleep then hold longer to put them in permanent sleep….being careful not to breathe it yourself!!! So…………a relief like I can’t remember has come across me. Bless you Michele.
OH MY PSS…..I just got a message that my blog stats were rising. 45 views in one hour???? 124 views yesterday???? 67 for today already and I haven’t even put the blog up? Holding my breath till I find out why.