Weird night. When Jess got home from work, we tried to watch the rest of the Jobs movie, which he finished last night and I didn’t. Well now. Total 180 from normal. Usually, I can’t turn my head without him pausing it so I don’t miss a second. Tonight…he talked all the way through and we argued to boot. It was horrible…ok, maybe not horrible, but it sucked, how’s that? Add to that….in the last 15 or so years….. I haven’t been this close to out for my meds….and it’s driving me nuts. I’ve not had to go without in all that time. I’m a hairsbreath from that. I’ve just gone to the 4th floor to manifest its hurried arrival and my happiness thereupon. I do that ye know. 4th floor…to create what you need or find what you’ve lost. Ooooooh…ye know….I never went there for the FeltLOOM! I just did. I’ve gone there before for serious things…and it went dark. No white room. That’s a NO. Hehe…but the other night, George wanted me to find her Tv remote. So…I went there and it was oh so quick…light to dark,,,, the room gone. I said…I’m sorry George, it didn’t work….she said…ya huh! I found the remote! Hehehehe. George and I used to play mind games to enhance our skills. We were really quite good at it. My house looks close to a Hoarders episode….yet, we could find things we each thought of…in a room of everthing!!! And quickly! Ya…fun times. I love mind play.
Dear Lord…when religion backfires…wow. It can be dangerous to teach…without them having the experience that you had that got you there. It’s just words…without meaning…..and they then apply it at will. Big mistake, but you can’t know…you have to teach and impart the wisdom you have. And…it’s all on purpose…all destiny…every second….so in the end this is futile. Absolutely futile. And on that note….goodnight all. Not a great night here. Love ya! 3:28am = 4 =Angels. Thank you Angels!
Another New Years Eve. I used to hate them with a passion. It meant I was still alive. I so hated being alive. My everyday thoughts on a running basis back then were….get me outta here….I can’t do this anymore….lemme out!!!! I wonder how many people go around with those thoughts in their head. I wonder how I could help them. Toasting to a future that is uncertain can be scary. The unknown…scares people. Scares me! I only like to drive on roads I’ve been on. Known. Just an example. I celebrated when I was a late teen, that’s about it….cuz I was married at 17 and there went that. Hmmm, I grew up too fast didn’t I? Hadn’t ever noticed that or thought of it at all. Jeesh…I sure was a dumb human before my Godly Rebirth. Very dumb. Lookin for love in all the wrong places. Lookin for love….Period. My family Never ever said the love words. Well, not till I was 19 and forced them. When your mom doesn’t tell you she loves you…you wonder what LOVE even is. You wonder about everything, when you feel unloved. Why. Everything is a Why…like a 2-3 year old. Why me….why not me…….why won’t you kill me….why must I suffer…why won’t you love me??? Why doesn’t anyone love me. That one wasn’t really a question…more of a statement. An acknowledgement that I was unloved. It helped me to sorta deal. It was something…it was mine…I was unloved and that made me special. Ha. Yup…dumb human.
I AM NOT that dumb human anymore. I have awoken. I was not really dumb…but asleep. Which sounds strange cuz I felt the pain so raw that seconds were anguish…….how could I be asleep and yet feel pain????? Answer……asleep to wht I could be. Asleep to what was going on that I couldn’t see. Asleep to the energy all around me, the colors all around me, the beauty all around me, the love all around me. LOVE? What? Asleep to love when I craved it so???? Yes. It was there all along…I couldn’t feel it, see it, smell it, hear it, touch it. It was dead to me and then it was alive. LOVE was alive inside of lil ole me. Whoda thunk??? Once the love was awake…I no longer wanted to die. I was no longer alone. I could have a connection with a blade of grass for goodness sakes…..how could I be alone???? There have been moments since then when I felt a bit alone or scared or worthless…but they remain moments…small amounts of time…because I AM awake…therefore, I can remind myself I am awake. I do not need to stay DOWN any longer…unless I choose to be down…to befriend…down. TO remember and be grateful. When I am in the tunnel of dark…I now simply wait for the light to find me. It always does…it resides in me and just needs the switch thrown again here and there.
When you are asleep…..not much is possible. Things need to remain the same. When you are awake…..all things are possible. All things need to change. Change is every second, so embrace it. It is life. Change is life. Life is never the same…after that second. It was only alive for that one second and it lived hard and well…all over the world. Blink. Yup, the world just changed. Think about something you love with all your heart. Feel it, really feel that love, you’ll recognize it when it reaches your stomach…..you got it…good….now guess what….the world has just changed….and your love….that depth love….has just been released into the world…..you blinked again…and you changed the world.
May all beings wake to the beauty of this spinning ball, to the beauty of life and to the beauty of themselves…a mirror image of God. Mirror…..cuz he’s inside.I didn’t mean to get all maudlin…..but I felt this should be shared. And the only way to share is to first discuss the old me…sorry, I know some of you hate to read about it. Without the old me….there would be no new me. We are a package deal. We are One….and We are God…cuz God is in us, me. Merry Merry Wake UP!!!! Happy Wake up!!!! Happy New Opportunity to wake up Day!!!!! Loving you all. I clink my beer can to your wine glass……well, at midnight, eh? Oh…make sure you read my blog year in review gift from wordpress…they are so silly. See, Previous Post. Ok……….Signing off in 2013 at YeeHaw Ranch.