Downward spiral….

I’ve made a realization. I’m guilty of greed. I have been asking and asking God for art skills/talents for years now. He rewarded me finally with an awesome gift. Due to my strange confusion lately, I was avoiding that gift. Not only was I avoiding it, but I was trying to move to a different form of art…oh, same medium, just different content. Well. Last night, while I tried to do a different kind, it hit me. God did indeed give me the gift I asked for…yet here I was asking for a different gift. Avoiding the one provided and ticked that I didn’t get the other. Well now. THAT just won’t do. I shall concentrate on the gift I was freely given instead of pining for one I wasn’t. Be happy with what you have. Old old concept. Face slap received and appreciated. See, I want so badly to just paint what I want to paint. Just be good enough to be able to. WANT…..just plain greedy considering. So….what I do best….coming soon to a photo near you??? But I pretty much need to make a run. Probably have to wait till after Christmas at this point. It’s what, 11 days away??? Good grief!

Well. Jess hasn’t been here much since he got his new kitten. He’s been working. Not his fault, but a problem nonetheless. I’ve just spent about 45 minutes on the top step in the cold attic…why cold…who knows………talking sweetly to, sitting near and occasionally petting gently. When I pet her, she cries. Poor lonely baby, it’s breakin my heart. She has a cough and a sneeze but it’s not severe like Sneezy’s was. Good thing….hard to get this one to the vet. Last night as I was planning to attempt a painting, I was searching out a bag of fiber. Think I even told y’all that I had a bag missing. The one with all the tiny baggies of color curls from Kai Mohair. Well, last night I was having hissy fits…….tossing bag after bag….round 1, round 2, round 3. All night long, I tossed my bed. What a disaster! Around 2am, my eyes wandered ahead of me and to the left…over by the door…..where the new fiber container storage is, and my eye lights on green curls. Yup. I was that dumb. Those curls are no longer in a bag….they are in a drawer. Now if only I could find the black alpaca!!! Lol.

It feels like I’m waiting for something. Can’t be the muga silk, its delayed. Why am I not painting? I’m just sitting here like a lump. Just a big ole lump. Maybe it’s the fox. My fox. That is code for my winter solstice experience and my daughter should be showing up soon. Maybe that’s her answer from Spirit as to where she should go this winter. HERE! She will hate it in the Rv, but maybe she should indeed be coming here. After all, if she comes, she’s coming to learn from her Mama, so she will have a skill to offer to pay her way in this world. She’s a floater. She floats like a butterfly or hummingbird….going here, there. And speaking of that….Jess just called….gotta go get him. I did, he’s home….not a good night for us. And since it’s late, I’ll say goodnight gracie. 2:25am = 9 = endings.

Sunday night, 2:27am…ya, Monday morning. The fiber is staring at me. Fiber. I so hate that word. The curls….the hair, the fur….is staring at me. Especially the bottom drawer of the new plastic storage unit. Full of whites in their varying degrees of shade. I’ve been crying a lot. I’m faking it for you guys, but I’m still in a funk. Bigtime. It didn’t help that one person wanted 3 paintings worth 300, ha, ya right, but priced at 300. No show. Then someone was gonna buy Jimi. Oh what a night that was. The Jimi photo was shared like 7 times! Along with 2 others a few times! It was wondrous that people would do that for me. Astonishing and grand. I smiled so much that night that my jaws ached a bit. Thank you Natalie from Namaste Farms. She started the avalanche of shares. She has a TV show coming around the end of January, beginning of February. Shear Madness on the NatGeoWild channel. I’ve been trying to help her get followers on twitter….ha….see, there was a reason for all that insanity I just went through there!!! 3 thousand some followers in just 2 months…..I’m trying to help her do the same so that when her show airs…..there will be followers on Twitter, that the show can use to then help the ratings and such. That way, she gets a second season. It’s really hard to guess when the people are gonna be on to follow and a lot of my promo tweets/retweets have been useless, but some aren’t. I’ll keep going as long as she needs or wants me to.

Whoa….got off track. Anyways…both paintings sales have apparently fallen through. In the cracks of time and Christmas. All is well though. Hubby took me shopping today cuz I asked him to. Strange, after 12 years in this house of having the same routine at Christmas….I suddenly have to ask…..will you take me shopping? I still wanted to buy more for Jesse. I can’t explain how fun this is to buy him things he really wants. A Christmas like no other he’s ever had. This is important to me. I’ve got a lot…but most of it he already knows about. Got some stuff today but it’s all generic brand and he’s really really into the brand name. Like Polo. Northface or something like that…you get my drift. My cats name is Gucci….my new goats names are Bentley and Armani…..surely you didn’t think that was me!!!!! So…you can imagine….today we shopped at Sears and target. We used to also shop at Bed Bath Beyond, Victorias Secret(underwear) , Crate n Barrel, Sheplers country store, JoAnns. All in one day. Nope…target, sears and petsmart. But then again…he’s supposed to pay for my goats….which…..freakin out…..I paid for the new red goat, Pirouette, with a check from my account…from the earnings from Kid n Ewe. I was so careful not to spend money from the bank…instead using the Paypal account. On Friday, I got my balance……$134. While still having Paypal, which had $112 and is supposedly connected. Saturday, I get a returned check notice…with a $21 charge. What the??????? I should have nearly enough to pay for the new goat in there. I wasn’t sure hubby would cover it. So upset and confused. Was and have been thinking of taking a blog break. SO much depression. Not what I want to talk about. Not quitting…just a break, like a vacation, maybe a week or two. I haven’t decided so I’m telling you now. I’m just in a funk. A big funk. Big bunch of mess in my brain. Relentless. Aching. But……positive that I am strong and I will persevere and more than that I will thrive excellently. Night night. 2:54am = 11 = master number.

Took the boy to work then into town to the bank. Nope….it bounced. Got a copy of expenditures but it’s so confusing, it didn’t help a bit. All I know is….when I sent the check there was $664 in my account. Sucks. I pawned 3 rings today. Wow, got a whole big total of $105. One of my mite goats that is resisting the cure…is not doing well. I need her out of her misery. I’m praying she goes to the Rainbow Bridge very soon and Hopi will be there For the first time in many years…..I am actually sliding into a depression. A real one. I was just making it all flowery when I said it was only an art depression….but no….no mistaking it now. On the bright side…my eyes are getting cleansed. Love you guys! Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch.

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2 thoughts on “Downward spiral….

  1. Yes, I hate that moment when I have that awful feeling, behind my eyes and into the center of my brain and all the way down to my heart that says – ‘you are becoming depressed and there’s nothing you can do about it!’
    That hasn’t happened since about Feb. When it does, I just stop most of my usual activities and take care of myself. The meds don’t stop my depression, they just make it survivable.

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