The artist from Scotland messaged me late last night. One of my friends had asked her about framing for me. In the end, she said I should just concentrate on doing what I love and worry about framing later. Yes. I hope it’ll be that simple. It almost feels as if…well, as if it’s over. My 15 minutes as an artist. I hope I’m wrong….hope my mind rallies….and my heart and soul. Ya….and the wheel is still in the Rv….obviously no spinning tonight either. Not sure why I keep blogging. Only cuz y’all want me to I guess. I still feel pretty stupid. Pretty flat. Not sure what’s holding me back from starting a real painting. Crap…ya I am. See………..why am I blogging????? The voice of the old me is growing very loud. Didn’t realize she had so much power for Gods sakes. It’s a struggle for me folks. As you all know…..I do my utmost to keep my headvoice positive. To create what I want. Unfortunately, when it comes to anything personally and specifically me…..I don’t do so well.
I can pray shields of protection and believe in them….I can see something happening over and over…to create it. I can give wisdom and advice……but…..my art, my writing, anything that is my creative side…..is held in a different regard. Like a sand hourglass. Sometimes it’s full…….of belief in myself…..but mostly, it’s very close to empty. Sometimes it even splits, like a wall comes up in the middle of the hourglass and half of it fills and the other half empties. I know. Strange. In other words……I can have two opposing thoughts in the same second. You can do it…no you cant. That looks great…..no it looks like crap. And no….antidepressants won’t help…lol, in case you’re feeling led to suggest them these days. I’m not depressed. I’m art depressed. Oh who am I trying to kid. It’s all connected. I just discovered there’s another painter. Another lady, of course. Wow. And the lady who told me that…paints herself…with a needle. Not so rare as I thought. And where, just where will that knowledge play…….which sandbox? Haha, which side of the hourglass.
Oh LOrdie……the kittens willy just came out!!!! Sneezy!!! NOOOOO!!! It’s Christmas…..no becoming a mancat yet!!! Got presents to buy! Ahh, but at least we can just take him now instead of the three girls. Yikes. I’m the cat lady. Speaking of cats….the new baby, Polo, well, he got her out and brought her down and I got the photo…then he took her back up and petted and petted…she’s back in hiding. Went through that with Monalisa too though, so not worried.
Goodness. Well. Hmmm. The lady and I are now friends again. I am giving it another chance. Why? Cuz God told me to. How did God tell me to? Well, just last night I was thinkin that something was up with the stars. I generally don’t hold to that mercury going retrograde crap but last night I as actively, nearly desperately seeking a star report on FB. Something retrograde, please???? Tonight…my shaman lady posted about Venus Retrograde. Perfectly described my past few months. And days. And hours. And it said…friends and foes from the past would be appearing to heal things. So….I am healing things. Ok, well….night night my friends. It’s 3:55am = 4 = Angels. Hmmmm.
Sent off the Hoegger blog today. Not much else. Cathy came to visit and it’s just been a 4 cat sprawled on mama’s bed kinda day. Worked on the colorful painting at the very last second last night. It became a present. Literally. With a bow. I was tellin Cathy I had wanted to do a portrait of Jesus but didn’t think I could pull it off and the present painting ended up in its place. This triggered a memory. I’m at Primal Therapy…..I’ve done well, so they give me a gift, a guided journey while in altered state of consciousness. I’m told to open a treasure chest. Inside is a flying carpet. I’m told to fly across the oceans, going back, back in time and suddenly I arrive at the spot where they are crucifying Jesus. I’m at the back of the throng of people. He asks me to move forward all the way up front. Jeesh. Then he tells me to ask Jesus if he has a gift for me. WHAT??????? The guy is hanging bloody from this huge post and you want me to ask him if he has a present for me?????? They guy pushed, so I asked. My subconscious wouldn’t allow. No, he has no gift for me. It always bothered me that he wanted me to ask that. But what I find funny today is that where I wanted to make Jesus, is now a present. A gift. The irony.
I was supposed to do a painting release thing today, with a bunch of other women online. Thought about it before but this one was free so I said why not. An hour before time, I realized…..I probably can’t paint with fiber as fast as they paint with oils….so I didn’t do it. But I think I’d still like to. Think they keep the video up…I should check. Working on it. Think it’s available on Livestream. The class is for Our Lady of Guadalupe….aka, Mother Mary. If I had a canvas, I’d use oil…but think I only have a canvas board and good grief, who knows where. The idea appeals to me. I have a thing, a problem, a disconnect to the feminine God or part of God. I try, but just can’t seem to go there. I call him Father. That’s what he told me to call him. Is there a mother? There must be. Maybe I have a disconnect due to my own mother issues. Point is…..I want to do this painting….whether oil or fuzz. I need…..to do this painting. OH…..I gotta grab you the link to the Venus retrograde thing….you’ll see!!!! VENUS RETROGRADE. Ok…well….I did delete a paragraph…just sayin. Maybe tomorrow I’ll type it again. Gotta take the boy to work…..by the way, he really is still eagerly working there even though he’s only being sporadically paid for the OLD work he did there. No time cards, no tax forms, no paychecks. Just an occasional check with an odd amount. 85 once, 50 another. That’s it. Yet he still goes. Go figure. AND…….i can see to drive in the dark now….nightblind 60% healed. Ok….signing off at YeeHaw Ranch.
PS…….I FINALLY HIT 200 FOLLOWERS HERE!!!!! 201 to be exact!!! YeeHaw! Thanks!!! Now…Fresh Press me already!!!!