One of the downsides of being a blogger with emotional issues, is that every now and then, you(the world), get to see my neurosis firsthand. Up front and personal. In your face. The other day, when I posted what happened at the gallery….that was me, charging up the hill in the front seat of the rollercoaster…arms thrown out and wide. Now……I am on the steep drop and up ahead is a curve. My coaster is in danger of jumping the tracks……Otherwise known as crashing. Another analogy that is appropriate is…..I’m treading water in an ocean with no land in sight. What was fun and easy for me and gave me such a lift of spirits…..of my self esteem…….has been bound up. Tightly wrapped like a mummy. I really don’t know where to go with this. I don’t even want to start a painting. Whats the point, says my brain. Beautiful paintings that I could gather up easily and carry………have been slated for unmanageable, unwieldly, and unaffordable ends.
Of course I know that a 52 year old woman SHOULD not be thinking this way. Of course I know that it’s just a glitch, just a hiccup in the scheme of things and that one day I will get it all figured out and will be successful with my art. But that isn’t strong enough to hold me up now. I feel like a failure. It’s never good for me to feel like a failure. Not with my background. Why is she feeling like a failure you ask? Because I don’t think I can do it. I don’t think framing is in my skillset. I’m sinking and I don’t want you to know. I want you to think of me as the lady who has it all together. The goat rancher, blogger, artist, mother, human. I’m those things most of the time, but every now and then….something, a big wind…comes and blows me over. I really need to get back up. Don’t know how. All the good ideas from yesterday given to me by y’all good people……..poo poo’d by hubby as not workable. He has me back at the fancy canvas and glue. In the meantime…….no art. I’m so sad….and I’m so sorry. Some people have real things to be sad about. Some peoples fathers are dying any day, some don’t have food to feed their family or money for their childrens Christmas. I’m so shallow and am being very hard on myself at the same time. I shouldn’t be blogging this. I should shut up. I really am sorry. To have led you to a blog with no cheer. I feel certain that what I’m experiencing is nothing different than what all humans experience on a regular basis. It just feels singular cuz it’s only me in my head….not me and the world. Time will pass, I will cry I will smile. I will even laugh. More days need to pass. Hurry!!! Going to stop now cuz I’m too down to be blogging….nothing but whine whine whine. Later people. 8:28pm = 9 = endings. Jeesh.
That was written Saturday night and I didn’t post it cuz it was too down. I was encouraged to share my humanity, so wala…… the guts. Analyzing the guts of my downward spiral. That’s what I do. I analyze and ponder and try to make sense of it. There are several voices in my head, telling me things. The old me, the new me, the recently new me and the future me. Yesterday hubby took me to Austin to Jerry’s Artarama. He really didn’t wanna go and I was so down. I left the store with nothing. Spoke to the framers there and it would be $250-$500 to frame just one this close to Christmas. Double pay. I didn’t buy a canvas cuz they said the linen tape wouldn’t work with fabric, and I’d already read that galleries and fine art people consider glueing to be a severe no no. The closer we got to home, the less I could control my tears. Hubby started asking questions and as I answered, we figured out one way to do some. I had already thought of it and it needed to happen….I need to enlarge nearly every painting….so there is excess edge…to use for framing. This is not fun work. I haven’t picked up a needle since the day I went to that gallery. What I thought was good………only became my enemy. Then, I showed some of my work to a friend of a friend, who owns a gallery in Santa Fe. He obviously didn’t think too much of em and suggested I go to arts and crafts fairs. Yup….that helped.
I feel as if all spontaneity has been melted off me. It feels like God is playing a trick on me. He gave me this awesome gift….but I now see that he only gave me half a gift. The art, I can create the art. Ya, and it can sit and sit and sit here…..still and once again broke and reliant on hubby’s money. No hope of more money. I don’t know whether to bother making any more. Here’s where I am at this moment…..which changes rapidly. I’ll probably take the paintings back to that gallery and have him tell me which ones he might like me to frame. This process is too expensive for me to do many. Bottom line……its around $200 or so per painting, to frame. So….if he really wants one or some, I’ll figure them out. After that…..I’ll just sell at high end markets, monthly art things that towns hold. I think that’s my only hope with these. Facebook people are NOT buying, no matter how low I go. My son says I need to take some of the love I have for him….and use it instead to love myself. Sweet boy, but that’s not how it works. Faith. I am lacking faith. Faith in myself and faith in God to finish the gift. Feeling mighty useless and dumb and like a baby and just sick inside.
I know I know…this too shall pass. But will I still be an artist when it does? It was really fun. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be long lived. Ha…the artist who almost was. Or maybe God will send me a framer and people who want soft paintings. I have no idea when this fog will lift. Was trying to spare you my muck and mire, but use it if you can. This kind of blog makes me feel dirty. Shameful. Oh well. The truth is the truth and no shiny crap icing can hide it. And while I’m over here whining and moaning and having a pity party, the lady in Scotland who does these works only larger and better…Marie Sparks…..well, she’s just had a 2nd one break in transit this week. That’s 2 completely ruined paintings that will have to be redone cuz they were commissioned. And….my friends father did go to heaven. And I cry over fear and inadequacies. Go figure. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch. Ps. The goats are all good….cold and wet, but good……and……the photos are from the weekend….it’s really wet out and they are dripping…not good photos.