When someone very successful takes their own life….usually at the beginning of what appears to be a skyrocketing career, people wonder to themselves and also quite vocally…..why? he/she had it all. Heshe was just beginning, heshe had so much to look forward to. Even I am guilty of this. I remember when Karen Carpenter died. I was just a young’un but was in awe of her voice and quite jealous of her talent. I was angry. Angry that she didn’t realize that she’d actually made it, she was supposed to be happy. This can be said for so many people it’s ridiculous. I think I may finally know the answer to the WHY. That answer is…..they are still the same person on the inside. Nothing can change that. Bravery, courage, rebelness…….may not mirror the inner.
I would lay odds that many of these people felt pressure. Pressure to change, to put out…in whatever manner that may be, to wear a mask, to deliver….to the now many fans. Pressure to write the next book, put out that next hit song, star in that next movie, score the big account. To be someone they’re not. To be outgoing when they are shy……to be outrageous when they are mortified. If a person…..before their fame, was hard on themselves mentally….then by golly they’ll be every bit as hard when famous, maybe even more…cuz now the world is watching. Before, their ineptitude was secret, unseen. Their momentary depressions, just that, momentary. Add glitz and glamour and paparazzi and those momentary depressions will still arrive. Can they handle them now? Probably not.
I came to this conclusion tonight as I was sitting here and a sadness wave came over me. I pondered it. Why was I sad? Dunno. I have so much. I have my new art and the people are liking it, I have my boy here finally, my daughter is in good health and is happy, I have many many friends now, really good people in my life, and potential. Huge potential. Does any of that change the voice in my head? Nope. And btw…..not a whit of this explains the sadness waves that come from nowhere. Oh ya…speaking of sadness. I made the call to the electric company to pay on the lady’s account. It was not as she said. The numbers were way off, which made me uncomfortable and I didn’t complete the payment. I’m still feeling the repercussions of my failed attempt to fundraise. I’m not even sure I gave it a chance, but my son is convinced I’ve done the right thing. Believe it or not, that’s what I’m going by. Oh….and I now understand the twenty dollars. NOBODY expects raffles to be that high. We walked into TSC Saturday and people offered us a ten dollar raffle ticket…..my body cringed. Then I had to giggle. Oh Lordie….I done let it get late. I’ve been working on this buck forever. So far from finished. The background and deer are mostly there, but the focal point, the antlers…..haven’t even gone there yet. The deer itself will need a million gazillion details……….I’m really feelin the human portraits right now…maybe that’s why this…nah…it’s just a lot to do on it Sheri. That simple. Well, there’s that! Night night people. 3:24am = 9 endings.
Halfway into the day, hubby decides we should go to town. So, that meant he had to run our errands too, since we were all going together. Got a container to hold paintings and some more 5 dollar fuzzy slippers. Jesse got a PO box, well, I can use it too if needed, and hubby got what he was after….the movie Red 2 had just come out! Goofy nut. Finally was a bit warmer and I was able to feed the girls myself. Had a nice visit and Crystal sure was glad to see me….and of course, the resident crier……little Flower. They were mostly dry. Crystal just hovered near me. Oh ya….and I think I can relax a bit on the weather. I was told by folks in colder parts………….that their goats stand with ice on their coats….out in the weather…when they could go to shelter. So….I think I’ll try to stop fretting. Little Buddha…swear he grew up in the few days Jesse fed for me. Wow, he looks so mature. Very handsome. And, I can’t take any more photos. Gonna have to do the photo dump….cuz without photos….I can’t paint. Sounds strange, I realize, but with this art form and the way I have to do it….yup. Need photo ability. Now, if my needle foam was on the wall…..that’d be a different story.
Well…..the night is creepin and the dark is seepin…………about time to blend with deer, to see if we can come together as one…one mind, one painting, eh? Hehehe. Itchin to do that Miley one but the Yarnorama was closed. Oops…….tryin to find Miley skin fiber and have been on the phone for awhile!!!! Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch.