….a better state of MIND

Ok, so….I’m supposed to just pretend I didn’t hear the call. I find that interesting. I’m just not sure it’s accurate. I’m a bit confused right now. So much swirling through my brain. My son says I’m starting a business and don’t have a big enough database. My heart says I’m quitting, as usual. I’m trying to reconcile these things with the fact of the avoidance of the posts. It’s hard to do. I just don’t understand. Not one donation. I guess I probably did the thing too fast and not well enough, but it hurts my soul. I committed to this. I’m giving up cuz my son says I should. He is right. I may only sell 4 tickets….and the painting would go at $80 bucks. I need to reconcile that. He also says if I reduce my prices to 100-150, that I could sell some and generate business. All of this is smart…but it still hurts my soul. The Indians. Screw it, sorry, the Indians need help…I’ve known this for years. How do I sit here and not …….and not……….

Gotta tell ya. I went to the brinks of lowness tonight. My new kitten Mocha brought me out of it. Thank GOD she did. I was doing a high dive into the depths of depression. Add to that, my son and I were supposed to collaborate on a painting. Only that’s not the word he used. I want to be affiliated with this one, he said. Well…..I did two days of work…got to a point where I said…hmmm. He’s there, but he could be better….Jesse came and did his affiliation. He changed the nose, the eyebrows a tad and he reformed the hands, as I wanted him to. In the end…the painting looked better and I got jealous. Now it wasn’t my painting, but I’d painted it and built it and he just refined it…but I sunk. I sunk to bitter depths. Tears streamed like a waterfall. I was swallowed up in defeat. I was a failure. That’s when Jess came down…well, later…..and suggested lowering the prices……………and reminded me that I couldn’t do anything to help the Native Elders right now. I feel like an old lady. Night night folks. 2:06am = 8 = infinity.

Drove into Austin today with Jess and Cathy. Went for my breathe easy vape thing. Expensive but already planned. Am very anxious to try it out tonight. We had a good day. Cathy knew who the guy in the painting was. Posted it last night with no words…..got a lot of comments but we weren’t for sure they knew who it was….I was sure they did but Jess wasn’t sure. I’ll plunk it in here tonight so Y’all can see too. Oh ya….yesterday when I was soooooo down……I saw a rainbow while driving. Then….when nearly home….we saw another one. And today….another!!!! And now…rain. My first with my own eyes rainbow in quite awhile. For me, they are messages from God. That’s what I believe they are, so for me, that’s what they are. They are….you’re on the right track Sheri. You’re ok Sheri. That kinda thing.

When I told Jesse last night…what my brain was sayin….he got all upset. He was mad at the voice in my head! Wanted to bitchslap her!!! He said, man, you tell her to shut the F up!!!! I told him……This is always inside me, but the struggle and the journey…is the rising above that voice…the squashing of that voice….the silencing, of that voice. And she is indeed silenced. Great little kitten helped me out. My Mocha Latte pulled me before I reached bottom. Yay.

So…..even though the boy helped at the end, it seems that my first real portrait was a success. I have another one lined up but not yet….rather do an animal right now. Probably finish up Hera. As you can probably tell…………my mood has improved and I’m treating myself less harshly today. Jesse is going to redo the photo on the youcaring site…so it fits tonight…..and maybe it’ll get some traffic one day. I’m ok and I pray the Native Elders are ok too. The hat scarf drive is a good idea, even though I was sarcastic with it yesterday. They are warm. So….if anyone has any they can spare…… message me and I’ll get you my address. Also, if you have boys clothes size 6-8 and or shoe/boots size 2…….same thing…..email me or comment and I’ll get you my address. My email is sherilee@wildblue.net.

Ok….I have a goat issue. One I’ve never encountered before. Joy. Joy is hollerin. I don’t understand why. She hollers like she has lost someone….but Petunia is right there. I really don’t know what to make of it. I suppose she could be in pain…but it also seems more like she’s extra hungry??? Anyone have anything similar???? No clue. Ok….well, dinner is cookin…gotta go. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch.

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