Here’s the deal. It’s not exactly a depression….but it’s a wee tad similar. I’m going through a You have no talent …..phase. I’ve been here before, and it’s very familiar. It’s very painful as well. You might think of it as a petty thing in the world of suffering, but I feel it so deeply that it’s like a wound. You are no good. You can’t do it. Oh God, I’m so sorry, I can’t justify the money hubby spent on these painting backgrounds because I’m not artist enough to fill them. The word fraud comes up often. I’m no good. And also….you’re no good Sheri. I say them both in my head right now…must be a double whammy to my faith. Isn’t that funny? When I talk to myself I call myself both You and I. Maybe the thought thinker of the ….you are no good….drips its venom drip drip drip until the thought that thinks…..I am no good, thinks its thought. It’s a very heavy heart for both of us then. I am surrounded by beautiful things to create with and I feel like I won’t do them justice. Painting after painting lately…started….unfinished. And the little creature I made yesterday? Shoot, I couldn’t even turn that thing cute. It’s reminiscent of pity parties. Smells like a pity party….smells like pain.
On the shinier side of things….I have such wonderful animals. I have two kitties in my lap. You can’t really force that ye know. It’s natural here. The pups adore me….but on the other hand…they adore everyone. Bluedog. Hmmm, he tries so hard to be what I want him to be. He gets it wrong more often than not but I love his special soul so much. He’s my Budog, wigglebutt, zabu, booboo, baby dude, bestest mostest. Then there’s the goats. Flower lately has needed me most. And Buddha. I’m speaking of emotions. Animal emotions…not their health. Right this second, Wiz is staring up at me with an intensity that’s out loud. He is saying something. I want to know what. Blue used to be so protective of his food. He would growl at anyone coming anywhere near my chair cuz his bowl was right there by my chair. Now….I told him to let Smooch have the ones he spilled, while he ate out of the bowl and he basically said…ok. Yup…the brighter side of life right now. And no….I’m not saying this so y’all will come saying…oh but you are Sheri, you are very talented and a wonderful artist. Nope. I’m just talking out loud. As usual.
My son gets very upset when I talk bad about myself. He wants me to think positive like I taught him. How do I explain that I’ve stepped into a mud puddle and lost my balance? So, I just say thankyou for helping me. Which he does, but it doesn’t eradicate the problem. The issue is with myself. Some flaw within myself that I have the challenge of conquering. And I shall. When the time is right. Not one second before. Life has made me know that. It’s my life philosophy and I cherish it. WELL, IT’S 1:21am = 4 = Angels. Goodnight sweet ones. No biggie…just where I am right now.
It’s been a down day as well. I wanted to go shooting…hubby said only if we go in mornings. Well now…..since I’m not a morning person….kinda screws things, eh??? Then the addi felting tool disk wouldn’t work. Just wanted to watch it to see what all they say I can do with it, but no. Then I tried to buy a few small items from Etsy. Didn’t go well. Finally got em. So…..since I was so angry…..I went outside with a hoe…..and fixed the broken gate at the girls pen. Well, not fixed per say….but useable. Definitely useable. Right after I finished I realized nearly all the pregger girls were right there with me, so I threw in a few scoops of food, then hollered at Jesse who helped me then get the two out that didn’t belong. I’ll get the rest penned as it works out. I’m a bit early but whatever. There’s still a full month to go. But…..the good news is that I did get the gate fixed. Not a total waste day. Believe you me, they are not happy about being confined after a whole summer being free to roam. It’s just much easier to deliver babies and care for babies when they are in a small area. Only two missing right now…Happy and Belle.
It’s nearly time for dinner. Yesterday, the topic of my cooking came up and I said, but you don’t like my cooking. Name one food I cook that you like. He thought for a minute and says…..Prime Rib. Well……. We have Prime Rib about every 2 years….so, how do you think I feel about cooking now?????? What fun!!! Oh well. It is what it is. I’ll just keep on truckin. And now….guess I’ll truck on outside and see how everyone’s doing. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch.