I guess I struggle with things. Like us all. I try to share my struggles but then sometimes it makes me feel childish to discuss such things and sometimes it makes me embarrassed to discuss such things. I try to persevere because I want to show that problems and struggles can be overcome much more gracefully if you can see the lesson or learn something. My recent huge letdown scam thing….well, it affected me more than I wanted to let you know. I’m very embarrassed by it. I can’t hide it though cuz it affects me still. I try not to mention it. Then the goat struggles. When I lost Moonee……..I felt like I just wanted to crawl under a blanket and stay there. I didn’t wanna have to keep explaining how he died or why he died or any of that. I just wanted my Moonee back and hindsight…got me Nowhere. I felt like all eyes were on me and were judging me. I think that’s a huge part of why I said I was quitting the blog. There were many things that just kept stacking and stacking up until I just sorta blew.
In reality….it’s not the blogs fault that I haven’t accomplished as many fiber goodies as I would have wanted or as many as I would have made in the past. No…I think that was my excuse to quit. At that moment….I needed an excuse to quit. The living with a son who thinks in a completely different way than me….well, that weighs on me too. Some of what he says to me would shock you, but at the same time….I love him still. I always will. Not much I can do about our angst, but I think Cathy has helped me come to terms some with the Scam thing. See, I was wondering why IT had been allowed. I have a really great relationship with who I call Father…..so I was stunned that this had happened. To give someone hope then yank it away after having them swim in the pool of hope for months……is unforgiveable. Or is it? She suggested that with my taking on the Suicide issue…….that perhaps I was giving out hope that I couldn’t back up. True enough. God saved me. I can remember it no different than that cuz that’s what happened. So, if God saved me…maybe it is only my job to inspire hope…but not to promise it. Cuz I’m not God and can’t do what He did…with others. I shall try to remember that because it was a heavy cloak to wear.
I have missed this and I have missed YOU. Ha….Em said she didn’t really like me right now cuz I took away her nightly reading. Lol. Seems that when I started this blog, by getting so personal…..I pulled y’all into my world….and it’s not really fair to then yank the carpet out from under ya. So…..I may not blog every single day……but I won’t quit. How’s that? Sometimes I just don’t feel like it and sometimes technology fights against me, so how bout we agree to just let the blogs flow when they need to. Ha…you wouldn’t believe how many times I thought…oh I have to tell them, lol.
It’s a form of humiliation that I’m feeling. It doesn’t feel good. Who wants to be brought to their knees, brought to depths, to yuk. Noone. Nobody. Being in the present has proved to be interesting. It turns out that there are certain things which drag time out like a turtle crossing the road. Jesse being at work…drags…..knowing I’m going somewhere….drags. Hubby being home….drags. Basically, the bottom line is tension. UN ease. (G) distance from where self should be thinking, feeling at that moment. Non acceptance. Different frequency. Swimming on the edges of life and not in the center of the river. The question then arises….which is best …fast or slow? Do I want to speed through things or do I want to experience each and every moment…of being human, which apparently is the only LOGICAL explanation for why we are Here.
The boy should be here by now. Instead of worrying, I try to see him pulling in. See him walking in the door. Hear the pups bark cuz a car is arriving. That…is how I NOT worry. It ain’t easy, goodness knows, but I try. And he’s home…later than usual due to them having a band tonight. And…..nightie night…ahhhh, feels good to say that again. 2:27am = 11 = master!
Let’s play catch up. Khalifa is still in the playpen in my room and the room is now way more of a barn, which almost….almost received another animal yesterday…..decided to think about it….a pot bellied pig baby. Nearly came home with one yesterday now that we drive to Austin for cheaper feed. This farm store has baby animals for sale and a band playing. Hardly an available parking spot. He must be doing much better because now he is trying so very hard to break out of the playpen. He’s ramming it as hard as he can. Time for him to move outside. He is going stir crazy. All goats are alive and seem to be doing ok. Still dealing with fallback from the feed change though. Buddha is a bit weak but holding his own. Mimi can walk much better now too. Picasso still has the big ball on his throat but he is still holding on and the ball gets smaller and smaller. Planning on taking the girl kittens to the vet tomorrow for fixing. Can’t believe we actually have a moment when neither one is in heat. So much medicine has been given that I think all our heads are spinning.
I got sick with a cold right when I announced I was selling a lot of the goats and quitting the blog. It’s still here and has been trying to creep into my lungs but so many prayers are being said that it’s holding off and I just might be turning the corner. Been working on paintings and giving meds mostly. Plan on taking needlefelting lessons this week if I get totally well. I missed the goat show so decided to skip the sale as well. Oh well, maybe next year. Hubby finally found a pool……just the size I wanted but it’ll have to wait for this Mama to feel better. Wishing I was in it right now. Had a topic I couldn’t wait to write about….but alas…it has left my brain…..but now that I’m BAAAAACCCCKKKKKKK…….there’s plenty of time for it to reenter my brain and thusly enters yours. Okie dokie then……..yeehaw!!!! Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch!