As you all know, I am a STRONG woman. It seems that my heart has healed faster than I could have imagined. And as my heart is healing, I see clearer. I told you I wouldn’t tell the story, cuz I didn’t want to hurt anyone. But upon thinking and processing, I’ve realized that this needs to see the light. That others need to be aware, so they don’t go down my path. It has once again been requested that I keep this silent, but ye know what? That silence weighed on me for months. Kept me in the dark and controlled my words. Nope. I claim myself back again. Out of the dark and into the light…my life shall rise….as my words reveal. Also, upon pondering, I’ve come to the realization that it was the gift of a future life of giving joy, which would be my ultimate joy…..that future life has been given and then taken away without even an explanation….that, is the hardest part. Yes, even harder than messing with my children, but I have to be honest. When I read this blog to Cathy this morning and I got to the part that concerns her….I choked up. I’m sorry Cathy. I’m sorry you had a dream for a moment too. Anyway….so, here are the words that I wrote while in the throes of grief. Straight from my bleeding heart……but just know….the bleeding has stopped and I shall go on. My voice will not be silenced….unless GOD wills it. And no….I’m not naming names….just sharing my truth and knowing that I did NOTHING, not one thing, to deserve this…..anyone who says differently….I have the messages….that tell the tale. And so….here it is…the story….hope I can get on to brighter things in the coming days. No, I shall, not hope…..shall. And yes…this is a long blog, but it’ll only take you a few minutes to read, whereas it took me months to live.
I’m in the quiet shocked stunned stage…where I shake and feel nothing. And do nothing. I wanted to write, wasn’t sure I could. I’ve already been in the screaming endless tears wailing mode, and probably will go there again. I make little movement and hang my head. Until I want to tell you something, then I reach up and my warbling fingers push the buttons…that allows me to speak the thoughts that are in my mind. I am weak. No, I’m strong. I spell the word fool. I. I believed. I don’t know if I can do that again. I was prey. I’ve aleady done the…I’m done with facebook and the blog thing. I called Cathy and she helped me shift a bit from devastation to despair. I heard my voice change. On the phone tonight, I heard my voice change. I heard Sheri Lee. Bobby’s girl, Sheri Lee. Whooped on, beat up, cheated on, lied to, betrayed, manipulated and pure D agony Bobby. That Bobby. I heard her voice. She reminded me of what abuse feels like. My end emotion would logically be anger…when I finally get there……we shall see if logic prevails with this human. This utterly deflated human. 2 days after she thought she could save the worlds suicidal sweet sweet people….is now writing these God…..not forsaken, but God allowed….words. My movements are still very slow. My focus is at about 10 % with my eyes. My head is cloudy…thick…heavy.
My sorrow is deep. Deeper than I have ever been pulled. So deep. My heart is down there. My poor children. I am so so sorry. I’m so sorry. Your dreams, preyed on…ah man…and the cruelty to the mother who helped the children dream the dreams….only to be deceived. My kindness, my innocence was exploited and put through a blender for so long. You think I’m being dramatic, when I’m just being honest to the core. This is what happens when you experience emotions to the core. In fact….yesterday, I found a green strand of my yarn. I asked Jesse to tie it on my wrist late last night…and he did. Green is the heart chakra color. God knew I would need it. My heart…..oh god…the tv says…chest pains!…..my heart….I fear for my heart. I, who took a vow of honesty with myself….am experiencing this. I, hurt repeatedly throughout life…am experiencing this. What purpose? What change in my life is being instigated that would cause this much pain of pains. Fool. I. A fool. A naïve trusting fool. Woe is me, I am in pain. Woe is you. You are in pain. We are all in pain. Oh woe is us. Woe is we. We innocents. We believers. I should have known. It was to be in the dark. It was all in the dark. I am the LIGHT. I am hoping I can exchange this sadness soon for anger. For pure D pissedoffedness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yup, I need some pure anger…utter righteousness. I am seething with sadness. I will recover, lest you think otherwise. Idiot extraordinaire….I. I. My green heart bracelet is helping me. My devastation is dense. I was drunk before I took my first drink of beer. Drunk with disbelief. Night night.1:16am = 8 = infinity. Yum. (Sunday night)
Upon going from unconscious to aware, as my eyes opened this morning….oh ya…it was all lies. You have been played like a Stradivarius of gold. You see, about 6 months ago, I gained a new blog follower. She then began making comments. We started to become friends. We got together on FB as well. We had many FB message chats, late at night. When I had my hat idea, I blogged about it. She then offered to join my venture. She would supply the homespun yarn and I would create, then she would sell them at the shows. It was always something, but the yarns never arrived. Then, she said she wanted to be a benefactor for Summer and Jesse. What? Oh wow, yes! What did they need? Well, Summer needs a used car and Jesse needs his fines paid off so he can get a drivers license and not worry about warrants, he could get a job cuz he has a license….and a piece of equipment to make his music with. She suggested she buy him a Mac computer do do his music on. She was going to give me a felt machine that she had no use for. Then she saw something made with a feltloom and said, why didn’t you tell me you’d rather have this? So…I was to get a feltloom and in order to be fully able to use it, I also was to receive a stracht double drum carder. A few weeks after this…..she said she wanted me to join her as a Secret Giver. I was to determine who needed help and what was the best way to help them, then we help them. Months went by with more conversations, more questions hammered at me and my stress level going off the charts. I can’t count how many times she was going to send the money tomorrow.
Then, she said she was coming to visit. She would be here Friday, June 8th. The Monday before, she asked if I’d gotten anything in the mail. Yay, she sent it….but no, I hadn’t. So….I did nothing all week….waiting, listening for the Ups man. Nothing. Each day, nothing. Friday arrives and she’s not here. I call her. Something I’ve never done. She’s still at home…hasn’t left. Rv is still in the shop…”.ok, Rv is out of shop and I’m leaving now. I’ll call and message you as I go”. She was to arrive yesterday morning. She didn’t. We were going to look for dung beetles and ride in the zen buggy, go to the place I released recently…..all things she’d read on the blog….that’s what she wanted to do when she got here. She was bringing gifts with her as well. Medicinal cannabis, both daytime and nighttime versions. Oh my, that sounded like heaven. I could use it during the day when in pain and still function? A handmade Navaho loom was to accompany her as well. For me! While she was here…..we were to give our first gift….to Cathy. What did Cathy need? Well, I had narrowed that down to a deck, a screened in deck and a back door screen door. Simple but would have given her such joy. I was also going to have her be queen for a day…..just lavish her with things she’d never dream of wearing or owning. For future secret giving….I was to make videos of their joy and happiness when possible and put it on youtube with a lock on it so only she and I could watch. For months…..I dreamed, I visioned….giving to people…..giving joy. A dream of dreams.
Which brings me back to the hat idea. I never made the first one. Nope….that train got thrown onto a different track. Now, I’m on a train in the middle of the desert and the track has ended. Here I am. In the desert. Crying. Lest you think…ah, that’s nothing. She spoke to my son. She made promises. She called him her adopted son. He was happy because he saw light at the end of his tunnel. And I…..I didn’t tell you much of anything. I hinted and sometimes I was so upset, I threw in bits and pieces hoping someone would grab the rope I was throwing. I was sinking, thrashing about in the water….and now here I am. In the desert. Nothin here but salty tears and deep endless sorrow. So, my kids didn’t get an angel to watch over their lives as promised, I didn’t get the friend that I thought, I thought I had. The feltloom that I just cleaned my room for, to house it….plus company was comin….imaginary. As fake as the friend I thought, …..I thought I had. We were connected, she said……we both had spider totems, she said. We knew each other in another life, she said. She had cancer, she said. I would be taken care of after she died, she said. She loved me, she said. She loved Jesse, she said. She wouldn’t hurt him, she said. She had already helped her nieces and nephews go to college, .and she needed someone else to help, she said. She would be here yesterday(Saturday) morning, driving highway 84 most of the morning, she said.
When I called last night and someone finally answered, it was her partner….she’s outside. What? She’s supposed to be in Texas! Lady said….she just started school, why would she go to Texas? Lady was clueless and would have her call me. She did call me. She acted like she didn’t know me. Sheri who??? MamaSheri. Then she said she’d left me a message and she hadn’t. She would call me back after feeding her animals….she said. The bile is staying near my throat and I just want to vomit. I hate vomiting. My son is able to still have joy. I haven’t told my daughter yet. She too will keep her joy, I bet. Trust? Hmmm, that’s another matter. Jesse is only 20, and to be deceived in such a way…..saddens this mother. And Summer, even went out looking at cars. I’m so sorry baby. Mama is so so sorry. I don’t want to give up on their dreams. So….here they are if you feel CALLED or able to help: Summer is wanting a used suv type vehicle. And Jesse’s fines come to $3,399.50. The equipment is $600 and the MacAir laptop is under 2 grand. As for Cathy….if anyone has a useable small camper, that would make her happy. It’s not a screened in porch, but it was also on her wishlist. Seems simpler than asking for help for a screened in deck, cuz that’s manpower and assorted supplies. There we go….in less than 24 hours….I’ve gone from believing I was going to be a Secret Giver…helping peoples lives be better…and am now asking for help. From giver to pauper….overnight. That was Cathy’s idea, by the way, she thinks it might make people feel good to help. I’m no salesman. I’m all artist. No goat talk today. Signing off.
There you have it. Now I can move on. No, not giving people hope with money or things, cuz I don’t have those…but giving hope once again, with my words. That…..I have….and I do. I may never know the truth….did she have money? Did she drive partway here? If she did, why didn’t she continue the rest of the way and why would I need to be given the benefit of doubt, when I was the one here waiting? Ah well….such is life….sometimes we don’t get to know. And so my friends…..Thank you for sharing this with me. Bless you all. And remember…..heed that still small voice and your gut. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch with the news that Flower is doing wonderful today….and my friend is still with us too. Yeehaw!