When I’m in my 90’s, all old and gray, wrinkles so long I have to wipe em away…I’ll be sittin in my rocker sayin….damn. I’m growin again. I don’t know about you guys…but when I have sadness, frustration….pick an adjective, I know darn well I’m growin. I don’t always recognize it when the emotion is a pleasant one. But sometimes I do. I’m a frustrated cookie without cookies. It’s a process. We all go through it I’m pretty sure. But fortunately, I can’t get sucked too far down cuz I have all these goaties counting on me. And….it’s almost Saturday and I can at least get some kind of midnight snack that’s tolerable. Those grocery bakery cookies were horrible….Each time I tried to like them. I saw fireflies again tonight. Not very many…and just before dark. Ye know…come to think of it….it’s usually dusk when they come out. Not complete dark. Hmmm, maybe so we can play with them. Boy, I’m really in a mood. It’s about to be 11pm and I haven’t turned the Tv on yet.
Ye know, I wonder why I’ve been doubting myself so much lately. Why do I demand more of myself than I can give? At times, I’m my best friend and at others, my worst enemy. Lest anyone think my angst is because of them….V.…No. This has been ongoing. You know…you’ve been reading. It’s actually a many faceted angst. Lights and shadows and hard edges and all sorts of pretty colors. There has been no soft. Hmmm. No soft. Hmmm. I dunno, wouldn’t my goat babies be soft? The love there? Maybe not because with it comes the worry of are they now too close to humans, or what if. It’s a thin hair balance. So how do I get true soft then? Like ahhh, jeesh, I dunno….maybe like……the firefly story where I wondered if my goodtimes/fireflies were gone and they came instantly to blink on my window in winter…..maybe the problem is that I myself experienced it….wrote about it immediately in my datebook, and yet….and I tell people about it, and I smile so big while doing so, and yet. And yet….the conditioning of society has laid such a blanket on me that I cannot even believe what I’ve seen with my own eyes. So many things I’ve experienced that I discredit but then at the same time, I don’t. It’s like half a mustard seed. Yuk. Can’t get anywhere with those!!!
And……my hopes have just taken a shift. They are calm. Be still my heart and calm me. This here is multi faceted. Like a diamond. You know how many angles are on a really flashy cut diamond? There once was a diamond here at a local Austin store that I saw advertised on Tv for years. Then hubby has a gal, before we were married but he was taking care of me…he got engaged…to a gal who did a 21 day manifest, to get among other things….a man named holiday. She bought her own diamond…lol,,,,,and it cost 6 grand. I scoffed at that. Then, long story but due to her constant dissing of me….she exited and I returned and we married. A few years later, or one…..we are in Austin and he pulls into a jewelry store. Oh God…there’s so much you don’t know. Ok, hurry….2nd hubby, abusive one, asked me to go pick out my engagement ring…after we were married. I did and while there, I see a ring I loved that had baguettes or something like that. It was gorgeous. I told him. He got me the engagement ring I wanted which was an awesome marquis cut with a feather in it. Later, he bought me the other ring…with the baguettes….and they called and said the check was no good and he would go to jail….so I returned it. The jeweler thought I was nuts. He thought I should have just let him go to jail and keep the ring. Not. Anyways……back to hubby……We walk into this jewelry store…me going, whoa……and as we walk in, he says…pick any ring you want. Of course, we are in Americus Diamond, and all I can think of is Gabriella cut……but no. I walk the entire store, searching and searching for what I needed. In the meantime, he tells me that he’s been saving his lunch money to get me this. For a year. I will not lie. I did ask about the gabriella cut and they said yes, they had it…but then I said no and didn’t even look. I searched and searched and out I came with a very simple….well, I’ll show you a photo. Ok…it’s late my friends. Night night….she says with bated breath. 1:12am = 4 = hello angels. Ps…I forgot to tell you what was so special about the gabriella cut so I went and found an image for you. I think once you see it, you will understand the facets of our lives. Okie dokie…night night.
And it’s Friday. I’m thoroughly unhappy with my inhaler. I had them mail me one, as usual and its not the right one. So I call this morning and they say that the Fed friggin gov, has said they must change the delivery system of the inhaler, so…..it’s all whacked out and I just want my puff damnit. It’s so not the same…not even close. What’s a gal to do to breathe. Well now. This has been a different kinda day. I get overwhelmed with the amount of stuff here, so instead of shearing…sorry boys, we cleaned my room. It was long overdue and necessary for me to move back into the house….which I can do as soon as I get a phone charger. The only one I have now is the car one. There’s a massive pile of fiber still in there, but it can go alongside my bed without hardship. Oh….that Mimi. Just fed and she wants to hog the whole vtrough to herself and she’ll bash anybody in the vicinity. One of the black twins was going out of that pen, thru the baby hole and she went to town on it cuz it was near her food. Drives me plum insane. Got me some semi-soft love today! Sweet babies. Ok, well, I’m outta here. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch.