I, who am usually Up and cheerful, irritated and gushy……am also feeling that horrible word. Discouraged. Dis = no. courage. No courage. That seems about right. No courage to keep doing this. No courage to find what I may find within some births. No courage to wait and wait and wait. No courage to dig graves and bury babies. It’s just too much this year. I’m feeling like I’ve screwed up royally and it’s all my fault. I’m feeling inadequate for the task. I’m feeling stupid, plain ole plain ole stupid. I’m feeling empty. Yes, there are other babies out there, but I’m still in a bad space. I wonder if I should move back to the house. If I hadn’t been here, the incident with Lily would never have happened. Maybe that day hurt the baby. I just don’t know and I feel so stupid. Sorry guys……not a fun blog. I hate feeling this way. Sure, I could put my happy cap on, but what’s the point? The stress is still here. The reality of what could be coming is still here.
I am here to experience the deepest love possible. That would be my children, and apparently my goats as well. This is deep love. This waiting, longing, grieving, smiling, playing, hugging. Deep love hurts as well as joys. It fills as well as empties. It cleanses as well as dirties. It takes us to heights unseen and depths best unseen and whips us into shape. Into what we can be. It takes age. On the other hand, I’ve seen child courage of utmost proportions. Children with cancer, children with bad water, children walking through the dark of night to escape the bad guys. Children who are bad guys. Forced to be bad guys, forced to rape and mutilate their mothers. Life is love in all its measures. To every extreme from left to right, deep to surface and high and low.
Sadness, I’m just feeling a lot of sadness right now. Will I get over it….yes indeedy. Will I let course through my body…yes. Will I shove it down? NO. I try to never do that. I’m done swallowing. Well, no, I’m really not, cuz if I was….I’d be out there protesting the friggin Keystone Pipeline and I’d be in the Amazon stopping the dams. Nope, I’m here. Sitting in an Rv, eating a toxic cookie and fretting over life and death with my goats while in the meantime, children are sold and raped and women and men are held captive, and children, the children. Ahhh, what can be done about this??? Sadness at the death of a loved one…..the neverending missing, the aching for, the please, just come backs…… The I see you from afar, yet feel like I know you….the oh man, let me send you some reiki, the please don’t give ups. Ahhh geeze…..it’s bedtime for Bonza…..lol, I’m female. Night night sweet ones. Sleep sweet and prosper. 1:03am = 4 = Angels!!!!
And that fast, I’m back up again. Got away from the house today. Nobody to watch the goats and I left anyway. Took Jesse with me and went to post office, had Jack in the Box, got money for meds from the bank and a smoothie for the ride home. And whatdya know…..no babies at deaths door. I also put up the April. Hoegger Blog today, but at my own site. It was the only way I could get the a link…to go ahead and hit the publish button. Guess I’m supposed to wait till First Tuesday in April to advertise it. They may or may not be happy with it, but I hope they are. Frees up space for them. I feel pretty good about it. I’m tired of stressing it. It’s up. I like it. Enough said. OH…..and Jesse calls me last night and says there’s a 6ft snake on the porch. He tried to kill it but only injured it and it hid. Later, the pups found it and finished the job. Needless to say, Jesse was walking me to and from the house before and after the movie we watched up there. We also saw one on the road today, so………….it’s snake season again folks!!! Heads up.
As for the babies………….I’m human. I have ups and downs over life and death and situations inbetween. I’m on an up note at the moment. I will survive any deaths and I will survive any miscarriages. Just need to remember that not all beings are supposed to stay….some are here for a second, some a week, some a month, some a year. It’s not my choice or my decision. I just need to remember that on dark days and I need to be thankful for what is given to me for whatever length of time. I just need to go about my life and if I’m here when a goat is birthing and is in trouble, then I will help. Thinking I’m superwoman is not working….it’s only making me crazy. I’ll stay down here I guess, cuz it’s fun. Ahhh jeeze. Jesse left the L and Star cried like she was lost. I called and called and finally she found me. She loves her humans. And on a mystery note…..Jesse remarked that Shortcake doesn’t look pregnant. So I snatched her and did a bag check. I think her bag is smaller too. What is going on? You don’t suppose that fracking has done something to the water? Nah….then they’d all be sick. Like I said…..I get what I get and not a pooplet more. God is good. I am ……..ha, I am the lady who just got to play with babies and talk to them and get them to jump, just by the tone of my voice. I am the lady who was just escorted to the gate by baby Star, who cried when I locked myself on the other side. I am the lady who is Blessed, and signing off here at the YeeHaw Ranch. P.S, Hoegger can’t link to me, so what the heck. I’ll do it both ways. If you can’t wait till April….try googling Mamasheri’s fiber blog. PSS…… Have I told you about the gas? I keep deleting stuff and I don’t know what I’ve said or what I’ve said and actually published. There’s a leak in the propane tank. Everyday as I go in and out of the door, I smell it. It bothers me. No, not physically, just knowing it’s there. We haven’t blown up but I’m afraid to run the heater. Hubby didn’t fix it for me over weekend. There…. I didn’t delete it. Psss…..We wrangled 3 boys into a yard pen for shearing. yeehaw!!!