Writing is my Breath…….goats are my heart

The baby is gone and I am moving forward. It’s the only thing I Can do. My history of depression cannot be fooled with. I am very strong in that. I will not allow myself to sink into a sad hole that I can’t get out of. No way can I do that. No way I will do that. So….I have pulled myself out of sadness already. Many thanks to the friends who cheered me up. Oh ya…I forgot to tell you that I worked on that baby for 7 hours. So…what did I learn. Well, I learned to put the baby in a box and close the lid most of the way then turn the hair dryer on to make warm air for baby to breathe. You just hold the dryer at an angle on low and it warms them up. I learned how NOT to tube a baby. Do not do it while it’s in someone else’s lap, therefore not feeling the body yourself…and very uneven. I’m not sure I did the syringe part right, so I can’t count that as a learn. I learned that next time…and there is always a next time…..to practice tubing the baby after it has passed. IF I can.

I can’t believe I slept through that storm last night. I only heard a bit of thunder before I went to sleep, but Jesse says it was bad. He was concerned for the babies. When Oprah woke me at 6am, since everything was wet, I needed rubber boots. Somehow I lost my socks while I slept….no dryer involved….so I had to rubber boot it barefoot. Guess who has a blister? Oh ya….in my list yesterday of the things I did to try to revive the baby…..while we still thought it was a bacteria or something…..it was advised I make a place for them. So……I created a pen. Lotta walking involved in that endeavor, and hauling of half gates. Was short about 2 ft, so I grabbed a piece of junkwood from down near the pen and hauled it up to the house. Hubby helped me get holes drilled in it so I could secure it with rope. I now have a pen, within the pen. Also…..it creates an even better chute system for catch, than we already had. Now they can be actually completely cornered….ooooh…..and with it being 2 gates….ooooh, I need another one, then I can……oh ya….mind is a goin now. Oh……don’t get me wrong people…….i have moments, and will continue to have moments…but I will not slide down the mountain.

Kachina is grunting a lot. A LOT. Has been since yesterday that I noticed. She’s friggin huge, as is Mimi. Wondering if the babies dropping causes them to look so different seemingly overnight. Every day is an experience with these animals, no matter what day. I so so wish for you all….to find that one thing….that takes your breath away one second and gives it back to you in force….the next. Speaking of breath….I’m so glad that God/Spirit made me a writer. I fought it for so long, but a writer I am. Even in my grief, I’m a writer. It is my breath most of the time. Nearly every thought…..now goes to writing it. It’s official. I am now a Blogger with a capitol B. If there were money in it….I’d have a bunch of blogs. Of course….writing a weekly column for a newspaper would be awesome too…and they pay! Do you guys see that I just go on day after day….writing….blogging…rain or shine, practically 24/7….what with the photos and the night writings and the day writings. NO pay…..all free. Haha…Spirit did the NO….lol.

Just did a check and Oprah came running up crying when she saw me. She thought I was bringing her baby back. My pain is doubled. But my pain is also my joy. I was blessed. I am grateful for the moments with her and with Oprah. All the moments actually. Even the digging. The digging of the graves that is, not the digging and pawing at the ground of the about to give birth does. I dug the grave alone this time…..as many times before from chickens and ducks, to goats and kitties. It releases. Heals. Hard labor while you remember and agonize. Let it all out there……then and there. Then slowly ease off, back into joy. That’s my approach anyways. Night night sweet empathic folk. Diamond in the sky. Sweet ones……night night. 1:53am = 9……………………………………………………..endings.

8:30 this morning, I was woken with the sound of what I thought was a girl crying. I sat bolt upright and yelled…..mamas coming. Then I realize it’s the dang chickens in the coop next to me. Got up and did a check, then back to sleep for this girl. Then, while having my morning tea…..attempted copper once again. We shall see. Have another option after this, and in the meantime….Mea has mailed me some black walnuts!!! She also hinted that there was a goatie present in the package….yippee!!! Ahhh man……If I had magical powers……a tiny white curly baby would magically appear and Oprah would not be sad. Just heartwrenching. Just went in the pens to see babies and Oprah is finally calming some. Course, I’m about to attempt a milking……she may go back to missing her fiercely while we do that. That’s IF I’m successful at milking. I’ve gotten the colostrum started and gotten milk out before but just a dab…for baby….never to harvest. Whatdya know…..there is colostrum in my freezer! Was doing it the way suggested by Fiasco Farms…no go. Was about to give up when Jesse said…lemme try. He did it more like a milk cow and it worked!!! I could hear the milk hit the bottom of the cup! So, he taught me and yup….I milked the goat too. Yeehaw and hand grenades!!! I feel successful. Great job Jess.

I seem to have run oot of time today. Out of time for many things. Is it cuz of that damn daylight savings time? The girls are hollerin, wanting food, but it’s only 4 o’clock technically, as of a few days ago it was….So, that means, to avoid any night babies….Ii need to wait to feed them till 6, which will be like the 5 they are used to. It’s gonna be 32 tonight, so I don’t want anybody dropping babies when it’s that cold. They’re trying their darndest to try to make me feel bad…..but it won’t work. Safety outweighs goat cries. This time change sucks. Sucks bigtime for me. Ok…well, things to do so gotta cut this off. Have a great night y’all…..and thank you for the kind words regarding the Diamond. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch.

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2 thoughts on “Writing is my Breath…….goats are my heart

  1. I LOVE the white stripe down Heaven’s back leg, she is so cute. Biggest hugs. Babies coming soon by the size if that one.

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