I’m watching a movie called Abducted, The Carlina White Story. It’s about a baby that was stolen. It takes me back. My mother filed for custody of Jesse when he was 3, then after saying she would care for him until I could come home, she took him, changed his name and made visitation nearly impossible. My family thinks of this as…..the right thing to do…you were screwed up Sheri. Mom did great with Jesse, she supported him, gave him everything. You should be more appreciative that she took care of your kid. When you are in love with your baby, your child and someone takes him and keeps him from you…he is STOLEN. When you can’t hold your baby, kiss his boo boo’s, teach him, send him to school, well, that one is a bit overstated cuz the whole school thing is just ALL wrong, but that’s another blog. When you miss out on all the milestones, even though you would die to do so….he is STOLEN. When you cry yourself to sleep…he is Stolen.
So….when your baby is stolen and you visualize him showing up on the farm at age 18, and it happens……and he shows up as an atheist who was woken up on his 18th birthday, to be thrown out…….you actually reel with rage. It seethes, with intermittent rises to the light. This is something I think I may need to resolve. Somehow. I’m on a path to deal with and learn from and change and become. I need to resolve this anger. Interesting. Anger. Just what I was talking about last night. I shifted the sadness pain to anger pain. Wow, Oh my friggin gosh this is awesome!!!! So, I’m caught in the anger emotion now!!!! Heheheheheheheheheheheheheheheeeeee. Gee, how should I get rid of it???????? God I love life.
But you see….the lady in the movie got the child back…and they had the grand reunion…but they are still missing all those years. Yes, everything happens for a reason, yada yada…but pain is pain. History or two seconds from now. The pain of missing those years is intense….I would guess for the both of us…and for my Summer Girl as well. My beautiful girl. As she jut said in the movie…she, being the mom….we may not have a past, but we will have a future together. Speaking of Jess, he’s discovered that the music school he wanted so badly to attend in NYC doesn’t take financial aid, so he’s chosen another music school here in Austin to try and get funding for. I doubt my hubby would cosign for him, but I wish he would. My Summer, bless her heart, has also asked for such a thing. My guilt cannot stand up, I refuse too carry it. I love you Summer.
To tie things up….Jesse is no longer an atheist and my mother and I rarely speak. It’s been months, and very little on FB, just a like or how cute on a baby photo. The relationship with my mother has been a rollercoaster at best. I never heard I love you growing up and don’t recall being hugged. I’m probably repeating myself, but when I was away, at age 18 or so, I wrote my parents a letter asking why they didn’t tell us they loved us, or hug us. My 3 sisters were not happy that they now had to hug. My mom and I then bonded bigtime. She helped me with my crazy pregnancy with Summer and let me move in and out of the house as I was whisked through Lifes travails. Then…she stole my son. I’ve forgiven her, because forgiveness is for us…not them. I try to get beyond it and usually think I am beyond it…till I have an overwhelming surge of…..I didn’t get to……………………
Jesse’s gotta wonder too! What his life woulda been if his mama had tucked him in at night…if his mama had seen him score that goal….if his mama had been there to talk to him about girls, the internet, life, beliefs, goals, dreams, love. If his mama had told him that every thought, every word is energy…how that might have changed his life. BUT, on the other hand…if he’d been with me, the journey would have been different and I may not have learned the same things that I know now…ie, thoughts and words are energy. Ahhhh. New movie….I loved and loved…but I never had anyone to love me back. Yup….that’s how I felt most of my life. I’m so blessed now. I’ve built myself a family. Most of them I’ve never even seen or hugged….but I love them and consider them family just the same….whoa…wait….not the same….more. P.S….I hear ya Summer…you wonder too!
But before I watched that movie…I watched another. Twist of Faith, premiering on Lifetime tonight. Good Lord…how can anyone survive losing 3 children and a wife in one moment? My friend Tom lost his family too but not all at once. I would fall to the ground every single day…caught in a fetal clutch to which there was no ending. Every night when the moon said so, I would stand, then come morning, I would fall back down into the fetal clutch. That’s what would happen…so it shant. (shouldn’t can’t) Jesse just arrived, at 11:30pm, and we re now watching….Rob Dyrdek’s Ridiculousness. Save me. Ha…he’s talking about having the wind knocked out of yourself. That just happened to me…but my sails are straight….I’ma keep goin folks!!!!!! Lordie….too many words….only midnight exactly. Screw it. I’m a writer….I write. You can’t put a time limit on art. Art, as we’ve discussed has so many forms…but I feel that this is my best one. My best art form. My words.
Legacy Of Words
Words are pouring out of me
Pouring down like a hard rain
I sit here & try to capture them all
For you, I try to capture the pain
For a lifetime or just a minute
Or possibly even eternity
If my words can awaken or console
Then that’s my legacy
It’s a gift I leave to anyone
Anyone who wants to feel
Because my heart is inside each word
And every word is real…feel
I’ve lived too many lives
In the years I’ve been on this earth
I guess it’s really kinda sad
That words are all I grant as my worth
Sometimes I have to struggle
Just to get thru each minute
It’s a war between demons & angels
So far, the angels are winning it
I’m certain my life has a purpose
It may be these words I impart
I may never really know
So here, I leave…my heart.
1996 folks. You see that, right? I once had someone all worried about me and I had to point out that I’m referring to my past…not now. Now, I go through a depression is a matter of hours. 24, 36…2, whatever. Way better than the three 3 day ones of a few years back. I wish my internet companies Wildblue and Zochnet read my blog,….then they might step up. Honest to God, I’ve been forced into such shenanigans that I now only require about 1-2 minutes of good internet around 5-6pm central time. That’s it. One to two minutes. And let me tell ya….it’s hold your breath and pray, for those 1-2 minutes. Think what I could do if I had all kinds of internet. I could put the photos perfectly placed like I used to with captions that didn’t ruin the photo……I could…Oh for Gods sakes. The games of children…. I remember them. The subject sucked….so when he forgot what we were talking about….I didn’t tell him…then he says…you don’t remember, you don’t remember…lol. Kids. In other words he was trying to goad me into telling him what we were talking about and I wasn’t budging. Why go back to negative when you don’t have to?
Yes….I’m finally realizing I’m a good writer. Do you know that I have a book about CRACK…..called Cracked Up? Do you know that I have a book about life with an abusive husband?….called…….Dancing with the Devil? Nobody knows…that’s why I tell you what a miracle it is that I write this blog. Wellllll……night night folkie olkies…..sleep sweet and thorough. Find your dreams in your sleep and they will fall upon you. Keep them in your vision. Nightie night. 12:53 = 11.…master number or 1.
Timing is everything…Spirits timing that is. A lady I once had a shamanic reading with…offered to do a teleconference clearing of negatives. I musta knew I needed it cuz I actually participated!!! A half hour shamanic journey to release that which is no longer wanted and to cut the cords. It was needed. I said just a few paragraphs back…..I need to resolve this. And wala…a clearing ceremony. Oh…her name is Bloom Post if you’re interested in a session with her. She’s on my FB friends list or I can throw in a link if anyone is interested.
Today when I went down to socialize the littlest one, I saw his eyes were shut. Shut, shut. It rained last night and I guess dirt got in his eyes. I had first thought it was pink eye, but I’m thinking it was cuz of the rain. So, we carried him up to the house and wet his eyes in the sink. It didn’t remove a thing, with the paper towel. In the end….it was Mama’s long fingernails to the rescue and I peeled the gunk off with them. So…..Khalifa can see now, both eyes opened and mom fed him when we brought him back. Oh man….gotta tell ya bout this morning. Hubby needed to put a big bale out for the cows, hores and boys, so he needed me to help with gates. Already used up the ones in the L, so had to take one from the girls hay bale wind shelter. After he puts the hay in the ring…he pours feed in the feeders. I look up and…..holy smokes…..don’t know who, but one of the boy goats has crawled into the feed trough. Completely. He is all alone, laying in the feed, eating the feed. Then a cow and more goats come….not gonna budge, so the cows and goats ate around him till hubby finally at least stood him up…..more noses fit with him standing. Just too funny to watch. Goats. I took Jesse to apply for a job today too. And now, if I don’t go reload that dang dishwasher, there wil be no forks for dinner….whatever dinner may be, haven’t given it a thought and it’s 4pm. Gonna get off this here thing now. Got food to feed, food to cook, photos to take, kitchen to clean and babies to love on. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch…oh ya, and the girls want some more water. Lol.