I guess I had too much pride cuz I’ve just been given a major blow. I’m so upset I just can’t stop crying. My blog, the H blog has been cut this month…for sure, she said, to appear next month. Apparently they have too many contributors and too many topics and only enough space for 4. You have no idea how much of myself I put into these. I’m in the middle of the March Blog…ya right. Oh God. This is just devastating to me. They asked for a fiber blogger. One whose posts would come out first Tuesday of every month. I get no pay for this. For 2 days I’ve been going to the site looking for it. It’s a very exciting day for me, when the H blog comes out. I’ve worked hard on it and done my best to entertain and teach at the same time and I proudly tell people and provide the link. See…proud. Pride. I finally sent a message asking if the release date had been changed. She said, the newsletter came out today. I said…oh, well I didn’t see the fiber blog, I’ll go look again. Then she says it’s not in it. I feel so damned stupid. Just pulled a baby out of it’s mother and now I feel stupid. Can’t stop shaking.
I’m supposed to put my heart and passion into something that may or may not be used? I’m a writer. Something like this could close me up like a walnut. Like a locked door. Like a very full vault with one of those spin locks on it. I feel unwanted. Like an unwanted gift. Yes….I’m being dramatic. I Am dramatic….I’m an artist. I’ve always dealt in extremes…it’s only been recently when I settled in the center. This is an extreme curve for me. It’s like in school…being told you got the part for the play…then not finding your name on the list. Someone else was deemed better than you, to do the play. But you had already told everyone that you’d got the part…cuz they told you you did. You even did a couple of rehearsals. I feel so stupid. So embarrassed. So unutilized. I sit here and gush on day after day. What am I doing. I’m spinning…and not the wheel kind of way.
What a downer after being lifted so high. Isn’t that usually the way of things? What goes up must come down? I’d rather defy gravity. Defy it, beat it….rise above it. Where did my wind go? I had my sails up! To me…this is rejection, any way I slice it. Still spinning and it’s been a few hours since I said that the first time. I see a spark. But my brain is still soggy. It’s a very dim spark. Don’t get me wrong. I still have my babies and I can maybe make it into their future blogs if I want to. It wasn’t good enough. That’s the bottom line, isn’t it? Oi ve…I hate this part of my brain. I hate being down or feeling worth deprived. I hate it. Yet, here I am writing about it. Why? Cuz it might help someone, anyone? Showing you the process of my fall from grace and rise from the ashes….even if it will appear fast…..I have achieved this fastness. I’ve earned it…..and it must have a purpose or it wouldn’t be happening. This is how my brain works. Just sharing the misery of it. Crap. This just sucks. Feelin yukky sucks. I mean…I have a deadline. The 21st. How odd is this.
I need to find a way to make lemon souffle…yuk…no. Cheesecake from this goat cheese. Ha! I never buy myself food at the store. This week, I insisted on buying myself….some chewy chocolate chip cookies that I usually like…and a Sara Lee All Butter Coffeecake, which I’ve eaten forever….but not in a few years. Somehow the cookies were all wrong and the guy in the freezer section said he’d never heard of them as he helped me look for the Sara Lee. I’m eating the damn cookies anyway right now. When I turn my head toward the window….all I have to do is search my eyes for the brilliant white. Funny, Jesse wanted to call him Mr. White at one point and I vetoed that immediately. Star cried for me today. A first. The timing is not the most awesome….just as I’m having to wean her from being on my back….there’s a new baby. I am spending time with her but she doesn’t understand. She’s so cool though….very chill. Never had this time span difference before. Cheerio and goodnight fine people. See ya in a bit. 12:52am = 1 = Beginnings.
Can’t tell ya how long it’s been since I woke up crying. Yup, great start to the day. Gonna go get me some curly lovin to cheer me up. Well, it didn’t really work. I sat down in the narrow place between the shed and the fence where Khalifa was, and Georgia laid down next to me. I took photos and touched his softness and snuggled with the G girl. Star made only one attempt to jump and wandered away when she was unsuccessful. Jesse just came down and I told him what was happening. HE SAID>>>>DO IT YOURSELF> I called Cathy earlier and she too said…..Do it yourself. Which is what I ended up thinking late late last night. (Spirit/God put the caps on, then took em off at the end of the sentence…to me a positive sign, eh?) What do y’all think about this idea? Doing my own Fiber Blog…without all the spiritual insights…just fiber and fiber animals. This blog will remain…cuz it’s my outlet. My, I can say anything Blog. Gosh, I’m just still so sad. As Jesse was walking away….he hollered…..I know you’re a good writer! My own personal feeling on this is…..just instruction, doesn’t seep in well. Add some life, some spark, some fun… and learning happens.
Gosh, it took me hours to write that last paragraph. My brain is on a zigzag train. Back and forth between pulling the baby out and this here business, or lack of business. As you can tell, I’m a bit sensitive. So…it’s no longer a monthly blog gig. It’s a when we can fit you in, blog gig. I’m not angry with them. If they want a wide variety of bloggers and want to rotate them to fit them all, that’s fine for them. It’s not fine for me. They’ve turned me into a Fiber Blogger and I want to keep going. I AM a fiber blogger and I shall keep going. Maybe instead of me linking to theirs, they can link to mine. This is where I am at the moment. Guessin I’ll sign off at Yeehaw Ranch.