My self esteem is showing…….

I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting. What I’m discovering is rather concerning to me. Apparently there is a deeply unconscious part of me that is still very wounded. As I go through the day, it’s been brought to my attention…by me, with a funny feeling….that I have very low self esteem. I knew that I had it but I didn’t realize the extent. As this funny feeling hits me and the light comes on and I recognize a moment or thought of inferiority or non worth, I shake my head and say really? This is happening more and more often, but at least it’s got a pop up warning that comes with it. This new age is very interesting indeed. See….I thought I was doing a pretty good job of loving myself…all of myself….even the fear self and the angry self. But how can I truly love myself with one breath and think I’m not good enough with the next breath…..if I really do love ME. Hmmm, let’s analyze this. So. I DO know, that I have been successful with feelings of love and worthiness. I DO know that energies are changing and things are purging. It could be as simple as that….that it’s being brought up so that I can heal it. I really thought I had already healed it……guessin I was wrong cuz these feelings of inadequacy are comin at me left and right. This needs fixed…..Pronto.

Speaking of self esteem and pronto….sometimes it takes me a few days just to get one spool spun, let alone the ply. Yet I see people every day talking on FB about how much yarn they’ve spun that day. I scratch my head. Most of these people have goats too, yet they can spin 2 or 3 skeins in an afternoon. Not that I’m tryin to be like everyone else, I’m not….but it does make me shrink. I don’t want to shrink…..I want to grow. After all….I’m an ex hermit that’s not a pleasant existence. Maybe using the word ex hermit isn’t approprite anymore in this case…..maybe it is better put, partially reformed hermit. 😀 Hmm, just read something on FB…the Spiritual Journey is the unlearning of fear and the acceptance of love back into our hearts. It says we’re born with love and learn fear. Well, if that’s true then it looks like I’m right on track cuz I’m struggling with both!

If it’s a healing episode or two, I’m game…Like….I KNOW that logically assuming that you put 5 girls in with a boy and one of them has a baby, you just might go ahead and expect the rest to have their babies too. That didn’t happen. Two weeks has gone by and I’m feeling sillier and sillier by the day. Oh dear God. I just remembered something, Apparently I didn’t write it down! It was a very horrible experience for me and I probably just didn’t deal well. Quite traumatic for me so I guess I shut it out of my memory. Now this all makes sense. Maybe Moonee didn’t father any babies. Maybe they’re all due at the same time….well, the great majority anyway. Why? Ok. Here goes. I was in the front girls pen when I hear a cry. A Yoki cry. Not where it was supposed to be. I look up and she has escaped the L and is near the water trough where I take so many horse/cow Bigboy photos…just 25 ft from the Littles and Beautifuls. I take off running. It’s a ways. I call her as I’m running and she runs to meet me and the boys come out of the woodwork and in the end I’m dragging her and she’s three boys deep. Honest to God. One was getting her, one was getting that one…you get the drift. Somehow I get her into the gate, into the yard. I’m exhausted and out of breath and totally freaked out.

Out of the corner of my eye I see something that just doesn’t look right. Couldn’t put my finger on it. Just kept staring and staring. Finally I decided it was Miyagi and he was in trouble. So I go out into the big bad yonder beyond the gate where the big cows and horses are and I run over to help Miyagi. He is inside of a tractor tiller implement. Huge blades. As I attempt to pull him out cuz it’s evident he is stuck….I’m pulling his horns with all my might and he’s not budging. Then I see it. It’s a Happy. Completely underneath him. Buried. I presumed dead. I climbed inside with the blades and the goat and I summoned that mom/child under car energy, flipping him over and out. She didn’t move. I ran around the other end of the tiller and tried to coax her out. Nothin. I drug her as well….to the gate. She was alive…which I found out as I started to drag her, she started to put up a fight, but quickly lagged.

So….obviously Yoki didn’t get pregnant that day…..and Happy did. A child…well, kid….of rape. Maybe God knew I’d eventually unlock the memory and resent little Hap. I dunno. Just remembered. I couldn’t make sense of the logic. Why would Moonee only do it with one girl? And now I see why Yoki and Happy escaped….they weren’t getting any!!!! Well…either he did in the last week, or WyWy is the dad to most in there. Don’t forget….I did have to do a little house switching after the bucks were removed to keep peace. I basically split up the first timers with the old timers so the new girls could see how it’s done. Also…I moved Chox and Mimi cuz they were being bitches. That’s a relief on my brain. I just was so confused and starting to feel silly…sittin here day after day. Hmmm….I could go in the house now for a week. But everything is here. And the weather is supposed to be warm and shoot…babies come early and late. I think I’ll stay, but I sure am glad that puzzle was solved. The only goat in those two pens who was showing any normal pregnancy signs….was baby Star…..digging before laying down. Awwwe, but Mea posted a video of her tiny ones playing in what she calls the hotbox. I want one for my new dream barn. I’ll be adding to the dream barn as I go, as I live and learn. Night and sweet dreams sweet ones. Oooh……11:44am My favorite. Hello angels….. =1=beginnings. Ahhhhhh….mystery solved.

Still up. I’ve decided to throw away my Permethrin. It’s useless. It’s a harsh chemical that does no friggin good that I’ve found. I will be buying the more expensive…Eprinex from now on. My poor goats are so itchy. The time I used the Eprinex, they weren’t. The end. Apparently I did mark down that Tika got out. So tomorrow I’ll carry the laptop up to the house as usual to post this…but I’ll also check the gestation calculator to see the next possible dates. With my logic…it would be Feb 17. 5 months. Remember, I just take the date the mated then go 5 months forward. It’s worked in the past. Haha…I’ve just realized why I don’t spin as much as the others….I’m a blogger. Not only that, I’m a photographer. Take Ernie, the peacock for example. You have no idea how long I will stand still waiting….just in case he decides to fly off of wherever he’s perched. Be easy on yourself Sheri. You do deserve it.

I think I’m realizing what’s different between hubby and I. I am different. I am challenging the things that go on and don’t go on. I never used to. That could be it. Just tonight….I told him he should take responsibility for his lunch while I’m in the Rv….and check and make sure I put all the ingredients of dinner into the lunch containers. Last night…I had everything ready but the friggin meat. The roast. He didn’t check before he went to bed…I was down here….and I woke up to the two veggies still in the fridge and the dead meat in the pan. Just one example, but I am more vocal now about what’s ok and what’s not. Ahhhh…. The question of life….learn first? ….Or play first? I say play first…but then again…I’m the one with self esteem issues, lol. Like I said people……I seem to be writing more while I’m on my Rv vacation. Ha…vacation, lol. The stress. Oh ya!!! Vacation!!!! Anyways….night night again. 1:20am = 3 = trinity…holy.

Well, I already carried the laptop to the house to check. Feb 14 is the official due date for Tika….if she’s pregnant from her escape. So….the big huge 6 month old buck was NOT ready, as I was told he was. Poor Moonee, hope this doesn’t affect his future buck use. I’ll try him one more time some day. Ha….and the Wy, same age, 6 months…apparently was ready. Then the next date to start watching is Feb 19. Feb 19 is the due date for the first day I put Wy in. As always….who knows which day they actually mated….so anytime after that till they have em all. And, I’ll find out today about the Washington 3. Or not. Haha…it can be so hard to tell sometimes. Well…it doesn’t matter now. Have a baby or don’t have a baby….everyone is now crutched and ready just in case. Boy, Georgia and Pearl didn’t like that shearing position at all!!! Poor Jesse got stabbed by horns twice! Once was my fault. Didn’t realize he wasn’t ready and I pulled her back feet and her horn dug in his shoulder. We survived it. They survived it….and in the end….we just did Donna standing up. Yay!!!! All done!!! And I even got some spinning in this morning! Ok…..ended up letting Star play on me again….jeesh I’m a sucker. Love her. Sorry this is so long. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch. P.S. Thank you Jesse.

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