In the quest to lose ego, I realize I have a very long way to go. Someone complained that they had lost a large amount of LIKES on their page and I offered a couple suggestions. Granted, they were on the conspiracy side of things, but they poo poo’d em. I felt a twinge…and that instant….I realized that I want to be of help. I want to be the one who has the right answer. I want to be the one who knows what to do or how to solve the problem. I want, I want, I want. Boy, that was a lot of wants in one place. I digress. I recently asked someone…how do I reconcile the knowledge that the next step is losing SELF….when MY self still thinks she can be of help to others. I’m still pondering that.
Another aspect of ego is this here blog. I’m writing…then placing it on my FB for others to see and hopefully read. Every night I “LIKE” my own blog…to bump it up in the news feed. I want more people to read it. Not for me…at least I don’t think so…well, in a way for me, cuz I do so want to be of help or assistance or inspiration or use of my wisdom. But the me in me knows that it’s for you. But there has to be ego attached to that. And oh for the love of pete…..I’m 51 years old and never would have dreamed I’d say that in a million years. Me…talking about ego. Yikes. I remember being at a Primal Therapy place and they gave me a drawing of ego… of the mind…the computer, etc. It was a comic type thing and it sticks with me. I like that I can type in mama Sheri to google and find my blog. That’s ego. I like that my animals like me. That’s ego, isn’t it?
I got my little dead ladybug keeping me company tonight. I forgot she was here and I was gonna place her in my butterfly box, but now I’m glad I didn’t. In the box…I can’t see her. When I see her, I feel her. Blue is here too, of course. It’s getting colder now but still not too bad. I’m camped out in the Rv with nearly everything I need. At this moment…a functioning toilet would be nice. As I sit here pondering peeing in the cold……I remember the Florida rainbow Gathering, 2007. Good Lord was it cold. All night long I had to get up and walk into the woods to pee…..hearing the hiss of the alligator. In the dark. In the 18 degree weather. See….I’ve learned that experiences are there…the hard and the soft…to remind us in latter days…..oh ya…see….it could have been sooo much worse, cuz there was this one time….. Lol. For me and peeing in the cold….it’s alligator hiss. I’ll always remember it in these occasions, as my Icon moment. Another aspect of that memory thing is the key to a lot of my happiness. When you know the extremes of pain and suffering…..when you’ve been to the far side of the spectrum…….then, ANYthing after that…no matter where it lies on the spectrum….is better than before. Once you’ve known so much pain….you can recognize the joy, and you can grab it. See…..picture a car gas gauge…and say Intense pain is on the E end and Joy is on the F end….then even if you are at a quarter tank or half tank……..you are still much better off than being at E.
I’m twenty feet from the girls and I turn the tv down on commercials, even though I have the volume down. The pups have been nutty tonight due to someone…I have NO idea who….riding a 4wheeler or bike….within my land parameters. I say that cuz even tho we are at the end of the road…we have an easement….Joeboy has the stretch after the front girls pen…then all the way on the east of the perimeters….is Jerry the cow farmer and used to be the Hunters who had a cabin. They sold it and someone is living there. Tonight…if it’s them…is the first time I’ve really noticed them. Boy did they announce their presence as if from a loud speaker…ye know?!!! It sounds like growls or eerie music and sometimes it’s so close it feels like it’s actually on my land. Dunno. It’s dark. It’s cold. I ain’t goin wanderin to see. My son is on the roof!!!! He’s trying to sway the Rv! 11:35 at night and he’s climbin on the roof and now he’s knocking on my window and making all kinds of noises and shoves. He’s a goof pot!!! Oh…turns out he’s smoking a cigarette up there now. Oi ve. Now he’s wiggling a tree branch. Lol…silliness.
I’m kinda scared to use the heater just yet, so I’ll have to stick it out cold tonight. We didn’t test it tonight before hubby went to bed and I’d hate to blow the fuses when he’s asleep. Need to remember to bring down the kidding supply bucket. Need a bigger one! One that can hold towels and a box. The box is for me to carry any struggling newborns to the house….to get past the pups. It’s always uncomfortable for me, but now since they’ve eaten dead goat….I don’t wanna take any chances. Lol Ahhh gee…forgot my pillows!!!! Ahh, a nice warm toilet pee. Fed the pups and gave the kitties water. This feels like an adventure!!! I’m camping out alone! It’s a bit cold but I don’t care, it’s not freezing or anything! Oh how exciting! I just realized! Haha….I told Jesse if he was in my bubble he needed to behave. Like…this is my space right now…don’t F with me. It’s so wet right now…I could even have a fire down here. How cool that would be. But a fire with logs…not sticks. Sticks only warm you for a minute then you gotta feed it again. Ohhh…an analogy for life. You gotta grow yourself to a log…a large branch before you can sustain any warmth….the sticks are gone in a poof! I know….sounds like babble…but it means something to me.
This is a blast. I’m fixin to start decorating. The back blinds have fallen…lol….where my head will be while I sleep this time…usually I sleep in the upper bunk. Point being….light in my eyes in the morning. I’m a night hawk. A sharp shinned night hawk…lol, not owl. Anyway…I’ve spotted a sweater that I didn’t even miss….from the Lovey vet trip and I’m gonna string it up where the blinds should be. Then I’m gonna grab the huge comforter from my upper bunk and place it on the bed…next comes my special blanket with a hawk on it. That outta do it. Oooh…I’ve typed a lot. Better stop. Night night and sweet delicious dreams that propel your life into a higher place…space. 12:20am =5 = change.
Hey…they just said whackadoodle on the news! Lol. Well, the huge comforter things do NOT keep you warm!!! Man was I cold. Haha, but not as cold as the tent in Florida by those hissing gators. I survived my first night. And, I am now set up at the foot of the bed…much better arrangement than the table bench…..the biggest bonus though, is I can turn my head and see in both pens. Well now. The day has progressed. No babies. And no electricity in the Rv. The damn Baby Pups…know it was them cuz Baby Girl and Bubba are way past that.……they chewed my 100 ft. electrical cord in half.…while it was in use???????? Those things are so expensive. Hubby is supposed to get me one. I didn’t hurt them, but I did whip the chewed ends towards them as I was shaming them. Geezer looked very sorry. Jesse decides he wants a fire soon, so I tell him I want one down there, by the Rv…..so he gather sticks and places them where? Right where I step out of the Rv to pee. Should be fun in the dark , say, 5am! (I turn the high powered light off when I go to sleep). No fire tonight…he was just preparing. Well….guess that’s it for today. Oh wait…went to feed and found my little squishy in the wrong pen!!! She obviously crawled in…where Yoki goes in and out. And they didn’t bash her to death!!!! WOW. She is a stranger to them….lol, except that they see her everyday in the alley. They try to bash her through the fence, that’s why I was a bit concerned. LOL. Ok….signing off at YeeHaw Ranch. P.S. I read today that Fear is an ego thing. Well, then boy…do I have a BIG EGO.