forgive me……I’m so sorry

Bad news at the bottom. No photos today

My spiritual self is assaulted by some of the tv shows I’m subjected to now. Most of it is so beyond stupid and gross and horrifying that I find that it numbs me. I’m surprised I’m finding these words. It’s a compromise but he stretches it. This is just too much. I’m trying so hard to zone out, become numb…rather reminds me of my past. Some of it is as bad as the chalkboard fingernail thing. This is my chair. I sit in my chair. What’s 7 ft from me, in front of me, on a 55 or so inch screen……comes my way if you know what I mean. Ok, enough complaining. Oh dear….I wasn’t worried about the gun thing cuz I watched some of the press conference this morning. Dang….now they tell me what’s in it….oh crap…..this don’t bode pretty. This frightens me. Ya, I know….a lot of things scare me….but with all the stuff I’ve read on FB about people wanting to fight to keep their guns…..top it off with the Indians occasional talk of violence. The IDLE NO MORE is a bit confusing these days…one minute is sounds like it’s for all people of all colors who are for the Earth….and the next, they say violence is not the agenda but they will use it if necessary. Confusing for me. I feel like that frog. Ooh, that didn’t sit well with me, being the last words of a paragraph…I felt that way a moment ago…there, that sounds much better! But fears….don’t we all got em? Why am I sitting here thinking we don’t and I’m the only one? Ha! Or, as Oprah would say……Ah ha!!! YeeHaw!

Fox. Keep seein reference to fox pop up and told someone earlier that theirs was mention number 3 therefore I would look it up to see what message was being brought to me. Well, turns out my books aren’t all that accurate. One doesn’t mention fox at all and the other says….become invisible. Looked it up on my internet site and…sum it up same thing. Camouflage. I just need to set aside some time, to…well, tomorrow at 2pm. There. I now have an appointment with the outdoors. I’m learning that I’m learning and all of this is normal. My confusion about reality and the universe is a part of my changing. My quickening. There’s that word again, only this time I’m not being directed to study study learn learn something. Well, I am….but this time…instead of a book or article….the subject to study is….ME. What fun!!! (that was said somewhat sarcastically)

Nah…it’s not that bad….I’m quite used to lessons. Hard usually, a few soft and grateful for those. We get what we get…the lessons, the life…..it’s all for us, to experience….to feel…..to love….to love deeply….to feel it all, joy, pain, sorrow, grief, envy, greed, happiness, insight, ah ha moments. We get what we get…we steer when we think about it and when we make the attempt….but in the end…we still get what we get. We deal. We have to. The only option is killing ourselves, and if it’s true that we come right back again after that….nope, not a good idea then is it? So, we deal. Some deal with bandaids that are visible and some hide theirs with great dexterity. But all…..ALL….have bandaids. Things to help us cope. Deal. Live…. Acohol, drugs, persctiption drugs, cigarettes, food, women, crime, you name it…people will use it to ease their pain…work…..as you’ve seen me advocate against…Cutting, stealing….oh so many ways to get a thrill to take away the pain for a split second. Problem with that is…the second is over and guess what…pain still there. Gotta learn to deal. See it, analyze it, dice it up and microscope it. Then release it. I’m learning for both our sakes. Yes…I’m speaking to you.

I’m really not the weak pathetic creature that I appear at times. I used to be. I am now stronger than one would realize. Rollercoasters and drama and hell….they are great teachers. I, am a great learner. See how I made a positive out of hell? We all can, if we but try. Touch me I bleed, speak softly, I wither. A line from one of my old poems that just came up top for me to catch. Nowadays….I would say……..touch me, I joy…..speak softly, I smile. A tiny bit of difference, eh? And don’t forget the physical strength. I, who have pain that used to debilitate me…now have pain that just sits in the background while I do what I gotta do. For my goats. Some for my family and husband, but mostly for the goats. It’s the goats that have my 98%. Them and my kids….human kids that is.

So….we could be waiting a bit for the births. I just looked….I took Mooney out a whole month after I put him in. They could be pregnant from any of those days…all the way up to a month!!!! I don’t think so though. Cuz the other girls are pretty big now and they’re due mid February. The waiting is just awful and joyous at the same time. I go into my room at night to pee and listen for moans….then I remind myself…I don’t want to hear moans late at night. Lol. But listen I do. One year, Baby girl woke me up to tell me Ella was delivering. Speaking of Ella….who recently died…her 2 year old is now being cared for by her grandmother, Choxie. Surprise surprise. Chox was one of my first does and she is not all that loyal that I could see, but here she is stepping up for her grandkid. Pretty cool beans, eh? Chox bites during shearing….bet she doesn’t now that I know the sit down method…lol. Ok…bedtime for goodness sakes. It’s 2:56am = 4=angels again!!!! Night night!!!!

I am delaying my outside appointment due to a phone call that may or may not come…lol, I know I know…good excuse! Well….I’ll at least go outside at 2.…maybe stay near the house and still do it. Haha, the pups will help me meditate, I’m sure. Best laid plans and God laughing……lol….I am too. At 2 o’clock, neighbor Cathy arrived with a friend to show off baby Star. So I did the normal tour thing then came back inside. At 3, I went outside and closed myself in the dog pen. Hehehe. The pups didn’t know what to think. I meditated for a few minutes….gave my thanks…..attempted to turn myself invisible…but how would I know if it worked? Lol, and then I began to OM. On the third om…..my leg vibrated. It was Mea!!! Calling me to ask if I would mind if she names one of her baby goats….Stardust, who will be called Star. Isn’t that sweet to ask that? Unnecessary, cuz of course I told her I loved the idea of a Ziggy and Stardust goat duo. Sweet people in my life these days, eh? So…..I did keep my appointment after all…..aren’t you proud of me? LOL….need to make more.

And somewhere in there….while I was medtating or on the phone or blogging………Happy had her baby and it didn’t make it. I went to feed and found her behind the goat house. She’d been dead an hour or so based on stiffness/non stiffness and even knowing she was dead and gone…I couldn’t stop myself from tryin mouth to mouth and heart palpations. I have wailed for nearly 2 hours now…..Cathy came, and Jesse dug her hole. I named her Hap…after her mom. I am devastated and don’t feel like putting photos in today. I have 2 photos of baby Hap….but since I don’t know if you all can handle that….I will place them in the other blog I started but didn’t use….a photo blog. That will happen tomorrow cuz writing this is too much. Goodnight friends. Signing sadly off.

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4 thoughts on “forgive me……I’m so sorry

  1. It’s 2:00 AM and I just spent an hour looking at you FB page and blog. It completely warms my heart to see what you are doing. My wife and I are both childhood trauma survivors, and I so relate to the things you share.
    What I love is how the land and your animals are providing for your support and recovery. The goats and yarn and knitting are what caught my attention, I think your creations are lovely, and just last week Dianne started to teach herself to knit. How cool is that to do everything from raising the goat to knitting the garment. I can’t wait to show her about what you and your husband do! I found out about you from the Tsehootsooie Healing Circle. You are such an inspiration.

    • Bless your heart!!!! I’m so happy to meet a kindred spirit! My life is awesome but life is what it is. Just tonight I’m juggling between grief and joy. What more could ya want? Did ya read My Wackadoodle Story? Also my children’s type story at the top of every page…the Wiggles of Crystal Cave…such a fun cool story if I say so myself! Hearts and blessings to ya!

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