We are who we are. Holy toledo…I wrote those words earlier tonight so I wouldn’t forget them. That was the direction I felt I should go in the blog tonight…and it takes on new meaning…humble and feeling silly meaning…but my daughter just said she thought I was white Buffalo Calf Woman. I giggled and said…I’ve thought that too. How silly, I do realize, but I am a silly gal. I do have grandiose thoughts. I have forever thought I was supposed to save the world. Not change it. Save it. Since early childhood. With thoughts like that…you end up thinking that you are…one of many things…..I thought I was the Rose from the DaVinci Code. I thought I was the one to make a wave…….that is my instruction as I know it. Make a wave. That was the absolute bottomline of the winter solstice 2006 event and I never ever said it before tonight. I didn’t know if that meant I had to give up everything and walk across America….or or or………
My point is…ownership of who we are. Who I am. Who I am to the world. What I’m here for. Why I’m here….and why I didn’t want to be here. Because I wasn’t worthy. But I am or I wouldn’t have been chosen to be me…to feel this way, to have these experiences or these theses. Pssshhhew. Goodness. What an evening. Summer decided that it was the right moment for me to drink the water from the Mt Shasta headwaters…wiggle territory… 😀 So she did a very special ceremony and anointed me and named me that name. It feels silly for me to say it. If I was worthy I would say it was so. But what do I know that could possibly be important? Crazy subject….makes me wanna erase it all. Why am I telling you guys this? You finally like me. Who knows if this will be here come blogtime.
It’s been a special evening. She leaves on Sunday….for Costa Rica….for a few months, then she goes back to Virginia I guess. She rearranged my living room display shelves last time she was here and I was unhappy with it cuz my crystals weren’t all together anymore….So……she redid it for me….Yay Summer!!!!!! Thank you Baby!!!! She reads my blogs now….she didn’t used to very often but something has changed. And Jesse has changed. Not a single argument. Not really. Huge improvement….I am truly blessed. He gave up his time downstairs for her tonight….due to last nights delay. All I know is….I’m so very proud of them both. It could have gone bad…..with them being so different, and having to share a space upstairs…but they handled it like pros.
So, I’ll admit it…all I just said above, is grandiose, but honestly….my whole life…I thought I was to save the world. Did any of you have such grandiose thoughts? Am I weird? Or are we all built with this feeling? Please tell me….comment….because I really don’t know the answer. Is it just me? Anyways…Summer has gone to sleep and the ceremony is over. She’s such a sweet girl.
So….I’m understanding all that’s happened recently to mean that I need to go into a meditative state…not my favorite thing….and find out what my fears really are…their roots…really, can’t I do that now?….awake???? Ok…I get it….Yes…meditative would be best….then see what we see. I have a hard time with it cuz it’s all truly pretend…but in the end it usually works, so who am I to fight it? Really? Why do I fight meditation so dang hard? I dunno. Well folks…it’s late. 1:59am = 6= earth. Nightie night night and sleep so well that your day flies by!!!!
So….I’ve been thinking……what am I afraid of? Living? Dying? Pain? I believe the answer is Pain. I could use all kinds of words, but they would still fall into those categories. How do you conquer a fear of pain…..have pain. I already have….that’s why I fear it. Hmmm, I’ll have to dig into this somehow cuz dang…..I’m quite sick of being scared. I’m also scared to post this with such honesty in it…..fear of what? Pain…mental pain….but still pain. Yes, I know I have the wrong color skin to be the lol, 2nd coming of White Buffalo Calf Woman…but on the other hand….maybe my skin was red last time. See? How silly is that. I also thought I’d found the missing piece of the Hopi rock….lol, but it was a drawing on paper and not a rock. Hey….it makes for a spiced up life, that’s for sure. Oh Lord am I really gonna post this? It’s all I’ve got written up!!!
Got the Saturday chores partially done…..they only had a few feed bags so gotta figure that one out. They rain checked me 40 bags but that won’t help this week. I’ll figure out something. Always do. My little Starling was smart and saw all the pups in the L, so she stayed in the pen till they ran off, then she came out to eat her greenies. I had on my new pink tractor supply jacket and she initiated it with tiny hoof prints. Darwin looks good still…outta the woods is my guess. Oh ya….I got my Tshirt from Hoegger last night….hehe. Tomorrow Summer leaves. Maybe she’ll take some of this rain with her….little Miss Singing Rain!!! I need a few dry days please. Okie dokie…..signing off at YeeHaw Ranch.