When you don’t breathe…..you face your Maker……………..

Not breathing right…..alters your world. We rarely think about it….it’s so taken for granted…especially for cigarette smokers since childhood, like me….. every breath….means we are alive. It’s that simple. And when you have difficulty in taking those breaths…..life flashes…death flashes…..fever flashes. I had double pneumonia two autumns ago. A lung issue with me, is usually very painful. This one isn’t so painful. That’s why I didn’t go to the Doc. Tonight I got scared. My lungs felt so closed and my head and body was buzzing………so I put out a frantic Reiki call out on FB. Within minutes I felt some better. Had even contemplated going to the hospital, but lung infections and hospitals don’t go well together…too many germs. Then my daughter called and she’d been telling me about the Violet Flame. I had an interest in it once…it waned. But I was looking for a better source to heal myself. Thank you Summer Girl. Then Cathy called and said Jesse had undermined my healing gift and abilities. She is indeed right. He thoroughly disputed my hand healing. Said, then it wasn’t hurt so bad in the first place. I friggin guarantee…..it was cracked….during the day…..that night, I did a healing and the pain was gone. Over the next few weeks…including now…….I just had to be careful not to move my pinky and ring fingers and I was pain FREE. She’s right…he dissed it. My kid. Maybe it did affect me.

When he was supposed to leave and I cracked my hand…he had to stay….as if the universe, or God was telling him he was needed here. When I felt this illness coming on…I told him, I think it’s saying you’re supposed to stay. On the day of the trip, I told him I believed he was supposed to stay but he had free will and I knew he wanted to go. Now I know. He was supposed to stay. If this thing is like the last one….I was flat down for a month….down down down. 18 days of fever….outta my mind….couldn’t eat, drink, sleep, smoke(either) and completely looneytunes. He’s been telling me lately…how can you tell me to believe that words and thoughts have power, yet you don’t use them when it’s most important. All I know is…when you’re in it…..it’s different. You actually feel the sickness. So telling yourself you are healthy…while you feel like shit…seems contradictory… yet I do believe. But when you’re already there…..already sick…..telling yourself you’re not…is hard. That’s all I got, explanation wise for ya Jess. Nobody has called me so I assume he hasn’t done it yet. It’s got to be one of the hardest things he’s ever done.

Hmmm, I have been around death a bit lately….buryin again and again. It’s funny….I kinda felt this illness when I was with Lovey…but as a whisper. Ok, my brain is already starting to go out. Fevers tend to do that, in case you didn’t know. Believe you me…18 days is a long long time to study something while you’re in it. I did. I studied it. I analyzed it. That’s when I discovered the key to the future of such events……a taste. A taste when I cough. If I taste that……katy bar the door. I should have gone to Doc right away. My fault. Didn’t put my foot down. It’s ok Jess…..I knew better and didn’t stand up for myself…..my bad…..not yours. I need to be stronger in my SELF.

I was scared earlier. Death….the thought of dying….is petrifying!!! I’m not ready. I’ve just begun to LIVE. I spent my whole life waiting for and seeking death….now I seek life. No, I’m not that sick…but I did have that period of yuk that really scared me. Heck, I dunno anymore. Ok….night night sweet ones. Loving you…….12:55am. Oh wait…..I was talkin to Cathy about Etta’s belly looking smaller. She said when she came to feed while I was gone, she thought she was skinny, and so she looked around for babies but didn’t see any. I was like, well…that’s two of us thinking she looks different…then I thought, well that must mean that the babies have dropped into place for birth…haha, notice I said babies. Wonder if I’m right. Makes sense, right? I’ve heard of the drop….in human females and animals…but I’ve never actually seen it. Could be wrong. As always…I will grant you that……for goodness sakes…it could even be possible she’s not pregnant. Shoot. I thought Lovey was a girl. I thought Fudgy cow was a boy. But in my defense….I did feel a bag, and it was warm and it had teats hanging from it. I’m not crazy. I don’t think. Night night…..12:31am.

Checked on Etta. Nothin. She did talk to me though, which is unusual. Let the Little’s out and they are having a blast…running from one greenie patch to the next. It’s so funny to watch. They all hop to the new patch together…..and if one somehow gets separated….he will let out a cry and the others will call back to tell him where they are. Doc got lost for a second today. So cute. Need to go back out and try again for a good photo of Opti. I get so tired that I have to take photos in spurts. They’re still out, so I still have a chance. Little cutie pie. Checked his front waddle area to make sure he wasn’t still retaining water…nope…he’s good. Yay. So hungry…..but every time I eat…it makes me nauseous. Wrote up a first draft of the January Hoegger blog…..just in case fever gets worse and I lose my mind. It’s not too bad…will need some tweaks.

Cathy came over to help me feed. Technically, it’s a one person job, but I showed her how I want the feed placed……………so everyone gets some. Everytime the goats in the pens change up…….how the feed goes in….changes. I’ll tell ya, man that Mimi. She literally wants every bite of grain. It’s all for her, and she spends a lot of energy trying to make sure nobody eats any of her food. Shoot….I now have to walk to the other side of the pen…..just so some can eat in peace. I’m very very hungry but food makes me nauseous, so I’m gonna try a nausea food that I once came across….a ground beef patty, no bun…..and a baked potato. It’s certainly worth a try. Still no word from the Jess. He SO went against the plan. But I trust him. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch. Just heard from the boy and he’s headed there tonight. I love you baby. 44 from me and 144,000 from Sissy.

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