My instincts tell me to crunch up…stay….don’t move. Let the cares drip
off you like grease falls off bacon. Bacon is a prime example of
sloughing the crap away. The oil drips and collects at the bottom of
the pan…..leaving the cream of the crop on top. That’s what we need to
do. Let the crap bubble up…..let the sorrows of our past, bubble to
the surface and boil themselves away. Gone….done….finished. Released
of the guilt, the forever agony of hatred of ourselves or what we did.
We can release that now. Please…..release that now. I AM releasing it
now. Simple…I say it…therefore I command it.
Ah screw it. I’m gonna fess up. I’m an unloved person…asking to be
loved. That’s pretty much the bottom line. No matter how I try to
disguise it….I’m still just a little girl……wanting to be loved. How
many of you are just like me an just not saying so? Speak up…now is
the time. Come out and say who you are. Be who you are. Live to the
fullest as there is nothing else. Nothing else except drudgery and
when you have a choice between joy…something you love to do….and
drudgery…which should you choose? Choose joy. I say that a lot. Choose
joy. So do it already!!!!!!! But while I’m choosing joy…..I also know
that it is time for me to purge…..re-experience for a moment, grieve,
then heal coming out the other side. All in a matter of a few minutes.
Tiny little grieving things. Funny, I always thought I’d cried plenty
at the time. Haha, guess it’s different this way. More like saying
goodbye to the hurt, now that we understand it and what it was
necessary for. When you are in the moment of pain……all you notice is
the pain…not the lesson….and the lesson or reason may not present
itself for a long time. So, I’m taking the time, to…..on purpose….cry
when I feel that gut pain….analyze it, place it…keep crying till it’s
done….and done. Wala.
No…I am alone. I have been alone since the beginning and I am still.
Let’s be honest here. Who but ourselves, know what we want? What makes
us tick….what makes us cry, or get angry….these emotions are
universal…..but in the end…who gets more excited about my story than
myself…who gets more excited about the goats than myself…I could go on
forever, but why. Surely you get it. Surely you experience it
yourself. My point is…if I don’t love myself, I’m shortchanging myself
to the umpteenth degree. Because I’m the only one who really KNOWS.
Life. Strange and weary…..full and dreamy……..down and sufficient……love
and being loved. Night night people from everywhere……talk to ya
tomorrow. 1:12am. P.S. I do feel love now…thanks to you guys……and my
Today I plyed some, and spun some, then I went outside to just
sit…..with my girls. It was a multiple duty event. I sat against a
tree and did an energy exchange….kinda like hugging a tree only
backwards…lol. I also meditated a bit, and invited Archangel Michael
to guide me and teach me. Etta came very close several times and I
have photos to prove it! I loved it….just sitting on their level, just
one of the goats. Then I switched sides and sat with the girls in the
other pen, since they were jealous. I had a life/death event here today
but ye know….I’m gonna just gloss right over it. Why? Cuz I want to.
I’m sick of this topic and I’m done with it for now. So, let’s just
leave it at that. Thank you.
Hubby has been making use of his days off…shredding the pasture. What
was a brown pasture that I was stressing about….turned out to be a
green pasture that was sharing itself with some brown weeds. Looks
great now……..all green and pretty…haha, in November!!! The boys stayed
far away from the big yellow monster….instead, they took to hiding out
in the woods. I bet they went exploring cuz of this…there are meadows
all over in the back 99 acres….plenty of greenies other than the
pasture. I need to go out with them sometime. Need to be in nature
more….it’s all around me, yet I stay in the yard….outta fear. So sick
of fear. That’s something that Archangel Michael is supposed to be
able to help me with. Yay.
Man, I’m running very late today, due to things. What a bummer that I
have a whole bunch of good photos and no time to work them. Will have
to upload them via the phone due to the time factor. Wow, this is a
very short blog today…good thing I have some yummy photos to make up
for it. It’s nearly time for XFactor…jeesh, I’ve missed so much of
both it, and The Voice. Out to the RV….kinda fun out there. Having
chili tonight which will make me and Jesse happy but not hubby. Can’t
please everyone foodwise here, not often. Speaking of food….turns out
the Native Americans, at least some, will be eating turkey tomorrow
right along with us. Not sure who’s idea that was, but shoot…ya gotta
admit, turkey tastes good. Actually, I absolutely adore this meal. I
also make it for Christmas. That’s it…just twice a year, don’t know
why I deprive myself of it the rest of the year. Oh ya….hubby is over
there picking beans out of his chili. Jeesh. I’m not gonna watch.
Gonna pretend he likes it. 😀 Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch.