I find it interesting that I am addressing the suicide part of my life. I had thought I was done with it. Then I was asked to write 5 things I know now, that I didn‘t know when I was suicidal, which was my whole life up to age 38, remember, I‘ll be 51 in August. I wrote them, and shared them with a grief group, but the face book version. https://www.facebook.com/tomzuba1
Not too long before, I found an angora goat group on Facebook and my life spiraled into what you see before you. A blogger, and a full time face book encourager. My mom said, how do I keep from having to see all these pictures you and Summer post? I dunno Mom, I think you either put up with it, or you get miniscule posts. Your choice. May I explain? Nah, I’m stronger than that. I will explain.
As photos and posts come across my feed, I respond in many ways for many reasons. Sometimes I Like something because nobody else has. Others, I Like because I either want to share it with people or I want to share it with myself, which is the same thing. We are all one. Then, there are the photos, that Speak a friends name, and I post them on their page. I am an encourager, plain and simple. I am because I can. I can tell you it can get better…I can tell you I admire your artwork, because I know you need the validation, I can tell you I’m sorry you hurt cuz your baby goat died or you got stung by 7 yellow jackets. That is a part of who I am now. I am always changing, always evolving. I see need and I now bring it to attention…because I can….and sometimes because I Need to. And why do I tell you these things? Perhaps I can be a mirror of sorts. An anchor or a hand. If you see how I deal, it might give you something you can use.
Compasion is contagious. Remember the pyramid schemes? How bout the movie…Amazing Grace and Chuck…or how about….Pay it Forward? These are examples of what can happen when compassion goes viral. In this day and age of mobbing and twitter, we should be able to make it go viral. Make Life, go viral. Joy, wonder, Hope!!! Maybe my compassion for you, and even for me, can rub off, can cause a quickfire challenge, can ignite passion in something you love….if you haven’t found your passion yet….think back. Think back to when you were 3 or 4 years old. What did you do? What did you play with? What made you happy beyond happy? That is your passion, lying hidden in your remote childhood. Dig deep people. Remember. Remember your love. What made your heart sing, as an itty bitty child.
I’m thinking, that I am going to start thinking outwardly that I am Crone. Wisdom bound. I know it inside, but I still hesitate and shrink at the thought of others. If I am alone in the room, I am all powerful. It’s when I subject myself to you, expose myself to you, that I lose some of my power. But the truth is…I am crone, hear me roar. I have earned the wisdom I share. I have paid my life dues. As a short example……. Raped 5 times; miscarried 10 times; sold for crack once; sexless 1st mariage; beaten in 2nd marriage; didn’t get to raise either of my children; jail 3 times, drug abuse, yada yada yada. Oh…and the pain…the physical muscle pain, can’t forget that.
So…..what’dya think? Have I come far enough to consider myself a teacher? A wisdom share-er? Btw, if I had put in all the (Tv) things, your head would spin. Guess I’m lucky, my neck is a bit stiff. Ye know, I’m gonna take the question back. I am a teacher, a wisdom share-er. Otherwise what am I doing? Sitting here going on and on about my goats. This ones pretty and this one is cranky, and this one is a real bitch. God, I love my life. If I had died, if I had killed myself, I would have missed this. I would have missed this moment, where I truly feel I’m with all of you. I would have missed the dance. This Dance. 4am
I’ve been receiving some of the most wonderful comments. One yesterday, said…We read, do not be sad. And today, I had a wonderful analysis of my birthing story. A few comments later, and she was explaining the TV thing and how and why. Here, I’ll share:
“wow….I know it sounds crazy. But I believe it. totally. reality is crazy, its the illusion that we are conditioned to believe is life that is dysfunctional and boring. wow, it looks like you tune into the frequencies of the information coming in to the TV, and you pick up the broadcast a bit faster than the transmission in audio/visual on the screen!!!! You pick up all the frequencies around you!!!
There is so much going on that we really can’t figure out yet…..
What a world!!!!! “
And if you’d like to see more of her world…..
I’d be interested to see what she thinks of the time I substituted a different word from the norm. I was telling you about a little girl who had gotten her heart BROKEN, and at the last second I used a different word, can’t find the blog, but I used, torn, ripped or something like that, and as I’m typing it, the TV says…broken. Haha.
And just now, another reader http://rigzenchomo.com/ suggested I look into…Intenders. http://www.intenders.com/index.shtml
Where we can work to set our intentions, or help others manifest theirs. Working together, we are, we are. Thank you to all who read and contribute! And you silent readers….Thank you as well! You are equally valuable. Value, interesting word. We usually use it in conjunction with money, but I value each and every one of you. I see your worth.
Well, it’s rainy like here. No actual rain, but it wants to. If I really need rain, I usually visualize myself jumping in the puddles in my yard and catching raindrops on my tongue. Reminds me, and takes me way way back. Before I place this poem here, I should tell you, it is a remake, and a not so good one at that. My teacher had all of my poems, (nope, no copies) and she was killed. I had to attempt to recreate this, but it is nowhere as good as the original. Sheri Lee, 1983 The date makes no sense….The original was written when I was about 14, which was in ‘75, so this was probably rewritten in ‘76.
I hear it coming, I can feel it coming too
Come on, let’s go outside and watch
No, don’t run away, it won’t hurt you.
Look at the sky, look at the beauty of it
Try to see it as though through my eyes
Just let it run through you soul
It relaxes and yet it mystifies.
Touch the rain, just reach out and grab it
Let it run down your face and all through your hair
Catch a drop on your tongue, now wasn’t that good?
Don’t deny your senses, nobody will care.
I sometimes wonder what God had in mind
When he created the summer rain
I’d like to think he did it just for me
Just to lift me up when I’m feeling pain.
Well, I do believe you’ve got it now
So maybe you’ll enjoy instead of complaining
All I ask is that you share it with a friend
And think of me sometimes when….it’s raining.
It’s always fun for me to read my really old poems. And, now, off I go to take care of the critters. My babies. I’m going out early, since nobody seems to be having any babies. I feed them late when I think babies are due, and most of the time, it keeps them from having babies at night. For y’all newbies here, I thought my entire female herd had gotten pregnant from an accidental..get out. Apparently not. Just fat and healthy. Everybody good, as expected.
Well, just like Spirit…after I pronounced myself as teacher and crone, I now find myself in a position to request help from you. It looks like my son will be coming after all. I will be driving 5 hours each way, to get him nd come home. After surviving that….I will be needing prayers galore. Thankyou in advance. Signing off at Curly Locks Ranch.