I’ve been giving you the steps I took AFTER Spirit/God intervened in my downward spiral. There’s only one step left, so I shall go ahead and tell you the weird and wacky story. I don’t tell this story because it sounds wackadoodle. Well, it sounds wackadoodle to the average person, which I’m not. I remember when I was 18, and asking Jesus into my life. It was recommended after another suicide attempt. They said I was saved. I was reborn. Not really. In truth, it was a nice diversion from my sadness but like all diversions, it found an end. And I was still here. I lived 20 more years in misery. Even the births of my children couldn’t keep me out of the pit of despair. Nothing cured me. Why was I here? Why was the world here, and why wasn’t there a God to tell us what to do. I felt abandoned. How dare this God or Gods drop us here on this planet with absolutely no explanation, no help, no instructions. The Bible? Made little sense to me.
At age 38, I was in a situation where I felt stuck. I was so tired of trying to live in this world, so tired of doing it alone. I’d found a friend who wanted to take care of me. A man. I was completely disillusioned by men. Hated them. It was around this time that I took an oath of celibacy as well as the oath of honesty, with myself. I was living in an apartment paid for by this…man. It was a 3 month lease. Who gets a 3 month lease? I was terrified that he was going to make me live with him.
Two things happened. One, when I had a good thought, maybe of my daughter, the picture of her in my mind would get sliced. I have a fear of knives. There was no blood, but it was like a blade was cutting the image up. The 2nd, was that Madonna came out with a song called Ray of Light. Whenever I heard that song, something stirred within me and I couldn’t help myself from getting up and twirling. For those three months, I cried, I twirled and I had my thoughts sliced. As the time approached for the end of the 3 month lease, I found out I was right. I was supposed to move in with the man. As the 3 months went by, the slicing got more regular, more often.
I moved in with the man. I had my own room though, so I was feeling sorta safe. The slicing was happening at a furious pace and I thought I was going insane. I rarely left my room. Then one night, very late, the slicing was every minute, then every second. I was screaming silently, this long long scream. Then suddenly, the slicing stopped. The pain was gone, mind pain, and in it’s place was a baby. A very tiny baby that I could see clearly. She existed inside my brain, that was all I knew. I could touch her and talk to her, and I grew to love this baby very rapidly. A day or two later, I asked…don’t know who I asked, just asked…Does this baby have a name? The answer came into my head, her name is Rose. And with that, the baby was gone. I was devastated. I never should have asked her name, cuz now she’s gone.
The baby was gone, but the me I used to know, was gone as well. I walked outside. I explored the 4 acre yard. I was like a baby, discovering the world in front of me. I saw so many yellow flowers. I decided to count them. The next day, I counted the white flowers. There were many varieties of each color. The next day, I saw deer in the backyard, then turkeys. I found a snake egg. I asked for Owl to come, and she did, in a dream. She parted the trees in my yard to reveal herself but said she preferred to remain hidden. I fed the wild animals and they treated me with their presence. Some days an entire deer family would come to eat, yes, babies too. Then the 18 wild turkeys would come and the deer would leave, or vice versa and then there were the rare times when they all commingled and ate the corn.
Next, I felt the need to create. You got it, Step #4. I got sculpey clay and clays that hardened in water. I made angels, babies in flowers and a slew of ……………?animals. Snake head lady; bear baby; pony boy and others similar. Half human, half animal. Why? Who knows. Any craft I wanted to try, I was able to try. The man kept buying me whatever I needed. I was able to create and explore to my hearts content. Then the insects came. The living room ceiling was nearly black with flies. They didn’t fly around, didn’t bother us, just sat on the ceiling. Grasshoppers were next. I remember running my bath water with hot water that I was just going to add cold to, to adjust it, and discovering so many dead baby grasshoppers. I killed them. I cried. The hot water.
I wondered if the insects could talk to us. I asked a fly. He said yes. I said, well, then get on my pointer finger for yes and my thumb for a no. We had a really nice conversation but when I woke in the morning, he was dead. I made a tiny white box out of an index card and tape. He sits on my shelf. Next, I tried it with a mosquito. He didn’t talk much, so I asked him to sit on my toe and not bite me. He did. For about 10 minutes he did.
I then read Shirley MacLain’s book, Out on a Limb. That’s when I found out there was more to life than I’d realized or been told. Was kinda angry about that. So, now that I knew the general area to look for answers, I moved onto Step #5, and expanded my mind. I read everything I could get my hands on that had anything to do with metaphysics. I just now looked up Meta……it means Beyond or After. Beyond Physics. That made sense to me. I was thrilled that there might be answers to my lifelong question of why am I here? I discovered that the world I had previously lived in, was pretty closed off. There is no Santa, no Easter bunny, no fairy tales, no fairies! No magic. Seriously, they don’t even call it magic anymore. Now it’s slight of hand, or mind tricks. Well, ye know what? I was miserable in that world. In this world, magic is everywhere and available to anyone. In this world, fireflies will appear on your window in the dead of winter when you have need of them. In this world, life doesn’t happen TO me, it happens With me.
It’s is a completely different mindset. I remember reading in one of the gospels from the Nag Hamadi, (the gospels found in recent years) that Jesus walked out of the womb to his mothers breast…… And I understood…… I have been on this journey for 13 years now, and I feel wise beyond my years. Everywhere I look, are people living in the old world I’d left behind. I wish I could just bring them on over here, but I have to remember that my new birth came when it was supposed to come and not a second before. I see things differently than the average person. And I am thrilled beyond measure about that. Thank God I walk to the beat of a different drummer….the normal drummer made me cry ever day of my life. I no longer live in depression, I’m no longer a hermit, and I never imagined that life could be so good. So good, and so bad, but still, so good. I am fascinated by life now. And by the way, the man….is now my husband and I still have my own room.
As for those hoping to break out of their box, I have just told you the last 2 steps……creating things with your hands and reading things that you consider…out there…to expand your mind. When you expand your mind, your world expands with you. Go on mind journeys. Do guided meditations, (way different than meditating), play. Read read read. God took me on another similar journey during Winter Solstice 2006, and during that, I discovered that the numbers weren’t right. I was really into sacred geometry and I wanted to know where was the missing letter of the alphabet? But that’s another story………
Sheared the last remaining girl today. Poor old Hannah, kept trying to bite us. Funny, in her old age, even she is changing color. She is going from tan to gray/silver. Loved on Optimus through the whole shearing, because he took my chair. Couldn’t boot the baby off the chair, so I stood., and repeatedly loved him up. There are still some BigBoys to shear and a few that need clippers, but we are getting there. I have concluded that most of the girls that I thought were pregnant, are not pregnant. It must have been the gases from all the greens. Anyway, I moved the Little Girls back to the Girls pen. Not an easy task, let me tell you. They didn’t want to follow, wanted to eat greenies. After alot of running in this heat, I was able to steer them with my arms from behind, out of the L, and into the yard. From there, I finally got Lily’s attention that I had food in my scoop. She followed me, then I ran, so they all followed me. Right through the garden with a multitude of goodies, and into the pen. Back with the family, and back to the head butting cuz that’s My food.
As I was checking the garden, it occurred to me to show you the tall tall weeds.
And as I was coming inside, Liberty did a stretch to let me know she was there. I tried to spin yarn today and it wouldn’t let me. When that happens, I stop. Going the wrong way in the river of life. I was supposed to write this up instead, and tell you my wackadoodle story. So, reborn, I am. Very grateful as well. Signing off at Curly Locks Ranch.